Trigger Warning... this is asking questions because I wonder if this is the reason I experience this... not intended to offend....

I grew up in a very volatile chaotic home with physical abuse and emotional abuse and suspected sexual abuse but have very little detailed memories.... This is ackward to ask and I dont want to offend...

I have certain fantasies that aren't normal.... and I've had these same type of fantasies since I was 12 or 13 ...when I wouldn't have known these things existed... and I wonder am I trying to somehow process something that happened to me? Or have I somehow have my mind so screwed up to think that violence equals love?

Has anyone else experienced this? I fear not,,,

[likewater]

Yeah. I have SA in my past and some of my fantasies used to involve violence

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Many of us have learned to interpret love that way because violence was often mixed with loving behavior. Or love was tainted with abuse. At least in my situation.

I think my own fantasies are my way of processing what happened to me.

On the whole, I don't want to actually act on them or act them out, but they appealed to me because they were familiar and all I knew growing up (abuse).

I am now attempting to reprogram my mind into having healthier fantasies and that's really strange for me. Painful in fact. I never thought that I was worth more than being abused.

Just my thoughts.

Take them or leave them.

Billi

[pbutton]

Yes, I have had some very unusual and violent sexual fantasies.

Same here. Though I don't think violent fantasies are unusual. Not only are sex & violence connected on a primal brain level, but based on your experiences, it makes sense that they are twisted. Get some therapy & figure out the core. Talk about it & sort it out. If you're still having fantasies, there are sites for those things. It doesn't make you a bad person.

[RainbowRoad]

You're not alone. I, too, have violent fantasies and fetishes that are directly related to my abuse. On the whole, I am at peace with the way my sexuality has turned out. Nearly everyone has a fetish of some kind, right? I guess it depends on how much it affects you, and your partner(s).

Are you in therapy? Is this something you would be comfortable sharing with your T?

[lastChance2change]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Trigger Warning... this is asking questions because I wonder if this is the reason I experience this... not intended to offend....

I grew up in a very volatile chaotic home with physical abuse and emotional abuse and suspected sexual abuse but have very little detailed memories.... This is ackward to ask and I dont want to offend...

I have certain fantasies that aren't normal.... and I've had these same type of fantasies since I was 12 or 13 ...when I wouldn't have known these things existed... and I wonder am I trying to somehow process something that happened to me? Or have I somehow have my mind so screwed up to think that violence equals love?

Has anyone else experienced this? I fear not,,,

Yes, I have experienced emotional abuse. I have not experienced physical or sexual abuse.
My heart goes out to you with everything you've been through. It sounds like you have experienced so much unimaginable pain and conflict. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You're definitely NOT screwed up. Your mind is NOT screwed up.
It sounds like you are curious about your own feelings, fantasies, and the events that have happened to you in your life.
Have you ever participated in Individual psychotherapy with a Ph.d therapist? (A therapist that you have felt a strong connection with, one that you could really open up to and build a strong therapeutic long term alliance with?)
You are never alone in your experiences, thoughts, and/or feelings.
A support group might be helpful, but I'd suggest trying out individual psychotherapy with a kind, empathic, genuine, honest therapist, one that is NO LESS than a qualified professional, and acts like one as well.
Sharing your fantasies takes a long time to build up the trust necessary in the therapeutic relationship; but by sharing them with a therapist you trust and who trusts YOU as well, by sharing any fantasies that you are able or wiling to, you will see the result is a thorough understanding of those fantasies, and how even though they are significant, the power of shame and or guilt they have over you will be diminished once you share them with a professional therapist. Any therapist that pressures you to share information, is not going to be helpful in the short term or long term, I hope that if you do decide to try and look for one, that you find one that is unconditionally supportive (within the therapeutic boundaries of course).
I wish you nothing but the best of luck when/if you chose to embark on the sometimes painful journey of learning about your experiences and how to understand them, and give them less power over you.