My daughter points out, correctly, that peers make fun of whatever a child is self-conscious about, whether it is even true or not. Take a child with perfectly normal ears, who thinks they are big, and his classmates are going to call him Dumbo simply because they know it bothers him. They don't even think he has big ears. They only know it gets under his skin.

My experience bears this out. I was over-the-moon happy to get braces on my teeth at age 13, because I had needed them badly ever since my adult teeth came in. The overbite was extreme to the point of downright facial deformity. I remember, if I were to touch my bottom teeth with the tip of my thumb, the top teeth extended out all the way to the knuckle. It was difficult for me to chew with my mouth closed. "Bugs Bunny" and "Bucky Beaver" had been far more hurtful than any "Metal Mouth" or "Tin Grin" I ever heard, and you know what? I don't remember hearing very much of it. There were maybe a couple of wisecracks at first about my braces, but it didn't last, whereas the razzing about my bucked teeth had been going on for years. Maybe this is because I was so glad to have the braces that I didn't care what anybody said.

There are a lot of parallels with my braces and my glasses. I didn't get my first pair of glasses until I was 14. I know I needed them as early as age 5, but my parents hadn't believed me. They assumed I was only trying to get attention when I told them I couldn't see. I specifically recall my father reacting with a sarcastic, "Yeah, sure," and then ignoring it. It took a note home from school to convince them otherwise, similar to the way I never would have had braces if a school counselor hadn't financed them. Just like my braces, I was overjoyed to have my glasses. And just as with "Metal Mouth," I heard "Four Eyes" maybe one or two times, and then it stopped.

I had been made fun of for so many other things, yet I was not laughed at because of my braces or my glasses. Why? I doubt it was because my classmates had outgrown that kind of behavior by the time I had braces and glasses. As evidence, I continued to hear jokes made about my last name that sounded like a body part, my first name that sounded like an animal, my clothing that was outdated, ill-fitting, in bad repair, and screamed "poverty," and my plus-size body type. Those things did bother me. Could it really be, that the only reason I was teased about the other things, but not about the braces or the glasses, was because having braces and glasses didn't bother me but actually made me happy?

[Sannah]

Yup................

Thought so.

I was endlessly and brutally teased about the things that did embarrass me. But I was so happy to have the braces and the glasses that I didn't even care if anybody called me "Metal Mouth" or "Four Eyes." So, they didn't. They tried a couple of times but quickly stopped, whereas on the other topics they didn't let up even for a minute.

I suppose this is fuel for the fires of all the adults who told me, "Just ignore them, and they'll stop. They only do it because they know it bothers you." Well, I have a few things to say about that. To begin with, I never could understand the concept of being mean on purpose, picking out the most hurtful things to say, just because they are the most hurtful things to say. The more sensitive the sore spot, the more likely it will be kicked. It doesn't make any sense to me. Why would anybody deliberately choose to hurt another person? It really wasn't the words they said that hurt me. It was the fact that they wanted me hurt, that hurt me. This is why I cannot imagine the words, "Don't be so sensitive, I'm just messing with you," coming out of a family member or anyone who claims to be my friend. People who actually care about me wouldn't consider it fun to "mess with" me.

Second, "just ignore them" doesn't go far enough. I ignored the other names I was called too, in that I didn't answer back, but those names kept on coming. Even as a senior in high school I was still hearing many a disapproving, "Where did you get that outfit? At the Goodwill?" They gave me the Forrest Gump treatment on the school bus, putting their feet up in the seats to stop me from sitting with them. When I entered the room, they would call out, "Whale on the beach!" And I said nothing back. I ignored it, just as parents and teachers always told me to. But it didn't stop them.

Come to think of it, I even remember telling some kid who was bullying me that he was not hurting me, and he knew I was lying. He answered with a laugh, "Oh yes I am," and kept right on. You can't just pretend it doesn't get to you. You have to find a way to make it honestly NOT get to you. That, not merely "ignoring it," is the only way it will stop.

[purple_fins]

Interesting thoughts LoveBirdsFlying I'm so sorry you experienced such meaness
I agree-- it's not just "ignoring" -- but resonating with body language and energy that one is NOT bothered by the "assault"-- be it physical assualt, verbal or what.....

this got me thinking--
I was bullied relentlessly at home by older, much bigger siblings(parents didn't stop it or care)-- there was NO WAY I would have it happen daily to me at school, around those who were closer to my age and size-- I think at school, I resonated some kind of energy that kept me from being bullied.... thank the stars, don't think I would have survived otherwise..... I was alone most of the time-- but at least I wasn't bullied at school.

and you also said another thing:

It really wasn't the words they said that hurt me. It was the fact that they wanted me hurt, that hurt me.

Yes! I'd never had these words before^^^^
-- that is exactly how I felt. I couldn't believe how siblings could enjoy inflicting pain on a littler sibling, that had no way or means to defend herself....
why? why would one being WANT to cause another's deep pain and silent tears??

best to you
fins

[Sannah]

I teach children how to deal with bullying and what you are explaining is exactly what it is all about. What I found works really good with the kids is when I can actually get them to believe that they are okay just the way they are whether they are obese or have big ears or whatever. It really works. Once they believe that they are good then the bullying doesn't bother them anymore and it stops immediately.

I have heard that kids bully because this is what goes on at home. If you aren't on the top you are on the bottom so it is a rat race to make sure that you are on top.

So I guess it is about them not about the person being bullied. As usual, perpetrators are thinking about themselves not the victim.

That makes a lot of sense, Sannah.

Daughter tells me that thrift store clothing is "in" now. When she was in elementary school, she got a few comments because we were poor, and by then I had figured out a comeback, which I taught her.

Bully: Where did you get that outfit? At the Goodwill?
Daughter: (cheerfully, conversationally, pretending to miss the disapproval in the voice) Why, did you see it there? It sounds like you shop at the Goodwill a lot.
Bully: (shuts up)

About the Forrest Gump treatment on the school bus, I finally did manage to stop that, my senior year in high school. I reasoned that girls don't have qualms about hitting other girls, while in my youth boys were often taught that they shouldn't hit girls. So I picked out a boy. Everyone had their legs spread across the seats to keep me from sitting with them, and I just jolly well sat on his legs. He immediately scrambled out of the seat and, rather than sit with me, he chose to sit three to a seat with two other boys. But hey, for a change, I didn't have to stand in the aisle all the way home from school. I had a seat. Furthermore, I had a seat to myself! Meanwhile his butt was hanging off the edge of his seat, and he was struggling to keep his balance so he wouldn't fall over into the aisle. Which was his choice, because he could have sat with me and been much more comfortable. And nobody ever did that to me again.

I also recall this exchange from about the eighth grade.

Bully: Personally, I think you stink.
Me: (same tone) Personally, I don't give a damn what you think.

Sometimes that technique worked, and sometimes it didn't. That time, it shocked him into silence because I usually just took that kind of treatment without answering at all, and he never said another word to me.

Much of this way of coping finally came into my mind when I was in a previous marriage, to a man whose sister couldn't stand me. Her reasons were not good ones. She was the one who was dysfunctional. And it occurred to me that I really didn't care what she thought of me, because I didn't have enough respect for her opinion that it made a difference. So here, at last, was a case of someone not liking me, and I couldn't care less. Whereas before that, any time someone didn't like me, it crushed me.

It's true, in the end it's all about the potential target's self-esteem. If the potential target is OK with him/herself, and does not feel inferior to others, then chances are the potential target will not become an actual target.

[turquoisesea]

oh this a great thread. I just wanted to say thanks for posting this, reading is really helpful =)

I think these are all excellent observations, but I have to add that this isn't the ONLY reason people get bullied. I was a minority in my school, and when the bullying (physical and verbal) started, it was 100% due to this fact.

However, I eventually developed the body language of a victim. That DID serve as giant sign for bullies to proceed. And once I was marked as a victim, I became a convenient punching bag for any kid that needed to get some violence out of their system.

One day, I decided that I was going to kill the next person who hit me. I never said it aloud, but it must have been clear in my body language. The bullying abruptly stopped! (Good thing, too, eh?