[Alibongo]

My 60 year old mother was rushed into hospital last week with an acute angina attack. She is still in for a few days for further tests and I am very worried about her.

I am 39, married with two children and a very supportive husband. The terrible problem I am having is with my three brothers (eldest at home with my mother, the middle one married with no children and the youngest with his girlfriend). I cannot get my head round the fact that they are so totally and utterly selfish and every way. They have popped in and out to see my mum and are obviously concerned, but she tells them to carry on as normal. The first night she was in I had a call from my youngest brother who was stone drunk (he woke me up) at 3am, I had just got back from the hospital at 1am.

To cut a long story short I had a row with him and told him to grow up - I had asked him to drop a special pillow off to the hospital for my mum, she has a bad neck, and he was making excuses - this is all nothing new. My mum is bitterly disappointed in them all, for which I don't blame her for feeling the way she does.

My father died 8 years ago aged 57 so things have been very hard for my mum, but she has treated them all with kid gloves and it hasnt helped in any way. They are all totally selfish people.

I also have a disabled child of 9 years (autistic) to look after so yes I think it is totally unreasonable behaviour from my brothers, especially the youngest. Today has been a little better between us and we have spoken on the phone, I didnt mention his behaviour. My mum has to go back to hospital for yet more tests as they havent got to the bottom of the problem. As soon as she went home, my eldest brother (who lives with her and is 40) immediately started smoking around her when she specifically told everyone she is giving up.

Thing is I just couldnt face a family meeting right now but I kind of mentioned to them individually that she will need a lot of help when home. My mother will have to re-think her whole lifestyle too and eat properly, which she hasnt been at all and has lost weight.

I just don't like their attitude - but I know the root cause. I am not making excuses for them all but when growing up we were all very controlled by my mother and had no self confidence or self esteem - hence problems with emotions now. I got out early and had therapy for two years, had various breakdowns as well. They just don't know how to handle my mother now but they are still in child mode with her, I see it constantly. They are all adults so they should take responsibility. The more I am typing this the more angry I am getting - but as my husband said its best left with them, its too late for them to change but he is also very worried about my health too and the toll its all taking on me.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Any advice - now my mother is home and still very poorly they all expect me to look after her.

[LMo]

This is so sad, Ali. I'm sorry that you have to shoulder the burden of irresponsible siblings. Seems like it often falls on the daughter.

You are lucky to have such a supportive husband, and your mother is lucky to have you.

No advice -- but wanted to let you know that I read your post and am here if you'd like to talk.

Wow.. sounds like you are dealing with alot! Is there a way you can find some support for yourself? Sending good thoughts your way.