Dysfunctional Family

Hi all, I am new here and I am stressed by my family and not sure <font color="blue"> </font> <font color="#000088"> </font> how to best deal with them. It is a complicated situation but I will try to sum it up as best I can.

Background info: As children we were never allowed to have friends inside our house, mom had a drinking problem, dad was (and is) bipolar (manic only, lasting a couple of months at a time, then he is fine for several years), parents fought all the time, house was in state of needing repairs, messy, disorganized. Always had to try to figure out ways to avoid having friends and boyfriends come inside, I was questioned and teased a lot by my friends why they were not allowed inside my house . My stomach was always in knots, always felt like I didn't fit in, I wasn't normal. Talking to my parents about this did nothing, but get me yelled at. Mom would just tell me to play outside, and when I got older, she'd tell me to tell my friends that I don't get along with my parents as the reason why they can't come inside our house. If my friends had to come in to use the bathroom or phone, mom would act nice to them, but behind their back, she'd signal very angrily to me, to get out of the house. Mom just blamed dad for not being handy and she blamed me for the house being dirty, even though she did not work outside the house. When someone would unexpectedly come inside with me after school, and the house was a pig pen, I would dye of embarrassment and shame. I later would ask my mom if she was embarrassed too, and she would say in a "what are you crazy tone" that all the shame and embarrassment is on me - as a teenage daughter should clean the house, and that none of it was on her.

Looking back mom probably had major depression and drank to try to numb herself. Her own mother hated her. My grandmother was very kind to some of her children, but was very cruel to others, and my mother was probably the most hated of all, for some reason. She also played favorites with her grandchildren. I was one of the favorites, my brother and sister were not. I have no idea why, but this is how she was. Mom spent her whole life trying to please her, but never could. All the drinking did was make her bitter and angry. She was always living in the past, bringing up past events of how people have wronged her. As children, whenever mom drank, we had to hear over and over how horrible dad is, his family is, etc. We would have to hear things about our grandmother (my dad's mother) being a haw, things that children have no business hearing about, and wait for dad to lose it, and then the real fighting began until mom called the police to take dad out of the house. Then get teased by neighborhood kids about seeing your father leaving in the cop car. It was pretty horrible. Ofcourse there were some happy times too, but it is hard to ignore all the garbage. And ofcourse there was no discussing any of it, and so we just had to accept things as they were.

I saved up my money for a used car and moved in with a friend, (in another state) as soon as I could. At that time, my parents were separated. My mother never learned how to drive, even though several friends had offered to teach her, and I would beg her to try, but she refused. And later after I learned I also offered to teach her, but she always said she was too afraid. She also said that dad would gamble too much to afford a car for her anyway. My dad told me how selfish I was to leave my mother as soon as I bought a car, as I should be driving her around. (at that time, by brother was between jobs and didn't have a car) Never mind that her lack of driving had caused her children any problems, when everyone else I knew had driving mothers, to share in car pools, etc. I had to always rely on my friend's mothers and I also had to pay for my own driving lessons. But my parents seem to think that children owe more to their parents, I guess. I just know I am completely different with my own children. I am happy to be able to provide a nice clean home for them to bring their friends over, drive them around, and all the other normal mom stuff!

Anyway, I am married now with 2 great children, and we live 100 miles away from my family. I live a mostly happy and peaceful life. But I still suffer from anxiety, especially social anxiety. My sister finally moved out a couple of years ago, and is married now, but is constantly going to my mother for money. Both of her long term relationships have been with men who do not like to work. She is married to a guy that is very irresponsible, lazy, and selfish. He is a licensed plumber, yet he only works sporatically and has horrible credit. They cannot even get a checking account because of him, and my mother has to cash my sister's checks. My sister is very sweet, a very hard worker and does all the giving in the relationship. She works several jobs, but because her husband does not do his share, and spends "his money" recklessly, they are always broke and borrowing money from my mother. Mom gets frustrated, but gives it to my sister because she see's her working so hard, but having nothing because of her husband. I tell my mother that she is just enabling her to stay with him, and she seems to agree and says she will stop, but she says it is hard for her to say no when my sister is hungry, but has no money for food because she has to pay all the other bills while her husband takes his money and spends it on himself. I guess she see's her son-in-law hurting my sister enough.

My 45 year old brother still lives with our parents, and shows no signs of ever leaving. He has always contributed financially, and continues to even though he quit his job and has not worked in 5 years, as he is just living off his savings. Even though he does not rely on them financially, he is clearly emotionally dependent. He seems to suffer from fear of failure, fear of change, OCD, and who knows what else. He had never been diagnosed or treated, as he would never seek any treatment. My parents say they can not force him, it must be his decision. They also say he pays rent, so they would never kick him out. Mom sometimes get frustrated, but does not have the heart to tell him to leave. He has absolutely no social life and has never had a girlfriend that he has brought home or even spoke of. He just watches tv, or goes on the internet. Dad is retired, but works 2 part time jobs to support his gambling addiction. Mom is very arthritic and seems depressed, and relies on her son to drive her shopping, to dr. appt's, and to visit me & her grandchildren. Dad gave up his car to free up more gambling money, I suppose. And since he has his grown son there to drive mom around, why bother, I guess.

An additional problem is since my sister moved out of their house, we can no longer visit there because mom says due to her arthritis, she cannot keep up and she does not want us to see the house that way. So all visits are at my house mostly, and now sometimes at my sister's. (when she can afford to buy food) When I asked why the men do not clean, (especially my unemployed brother), she just casually says they don't. Then she blames my sister for not ever coming to clean. When I talk to my sister, she says she does clean (payed) but they need to get professional carpet cleaner in, and we didn't really go into anymore. I do know that my mother is not the least bit bothered by mess at all and has never really cared about it for herself. Even shaving was too much to be bothered with. Apparantly a cleaning lady must be out of the question, too, I guess. I think it may be a privacy issue with her, I don't know. But the bottom line is that there a surely other arthritic people in the world, too, and is this how it is handled? There are other options then to just not ever have people visit them. It is like my childhood all over again. So what am I supposed to tell my husband and kids when they suggest we go to their house for a visit? If I tell them the truth, they will wonder why they don't want a clean home for themselves, regardless if anyone is visiting them.

I know I have moved on with my own life, but I do not want to be caught up in there problems anymore. Am I codependent too? How do I not feel bothered by them? The thing is that they are all really good to me and my husband and kids now, and my children and husband really enjoy seeing them. My husband has very cold parents, so I guess mine seen pretty nice to him. (I never told my husband about how it was for me growning up, I don't want him to know, I am still embarrassed by it, and I am afraid he would hate them and look down on them) I just find that I feel so depressed whenever I see them. I am so sad that my beautiful, kind sister settles for so little from her husband. But I also get annoyed that she is always going to mom for money instead of dumping her loser husband. I am so sad that my intelligent, kind brother does not want more out of life. But I also get annoyed that he is clearly "in charge" as far as when he brings my mother to visit and when they will leave, as he is the driver, and mom is subservient to him. She usually gets tired early and just wants to go home, but she always has to wait until my brother is ready to go.

I do not see even the slightest hint of change anywhere in sight. I have suggested downsizing and living in a smaller condo in a cheaper area, as many retiree's their age do, but it is dismissed. And I have learned over the years not to even mention that it is strange that my brother has not ever had the desire to move out on his own, or brought home a girlfriend. Mom would get very defensive, and hang up on me, although she would occasionally say she gets frustrated that he is always there. Now she no longer mentions it because she knows how I will respond. And now she just seems depressed and often tells me that seeing her grandchildren is what cheers her up.

I'm sorry for such a long post, and thanks for reading it! I would greatly appreciate any thoughts or advice on my situation.

((((Kallen)))) I will read this some more and come back later and maybe I can offer something . I also grew up with a dysfunctional family, different issues than yours but I certainly understand the shame and all. The confusion that still exists for you I am sorry that it does. I will try to put my head together a bit more here and see what more if anything I can say. I wish you the best and this is a great place to reach out to others as I have found out. Hugs and peace to you Kallen

Hi Kallen,

Many of us here have been brought up by dysfunctional parents of some kind, in one way or another. Here are a couple of my thoughts after briefly scanning your post. The ones that jumped out at me!

First, Don't you think your husband can't tell that there may be something wrong with your family, and do you really think he will be surprised if you would tell him. I would think it really strange just the fact that the '45' year old brother is still living at home!
Also, you stated that you have moved on with your life, and don't want to be caught up in their problems!
You answered your own question there! It looks from my point of view, that you are well on your way to your saying good-bye.
In my unprofessional opinion, I bet too you would feel better by letting your husband know your past life. He is your husband, you should be able to share that with him. Lean on him, and I bet you will be surprised at his response. Perhaps that will be the obstical to overcome the past, and move on with your new life, with your own family!

Prayers in your journey to peace,

SongBird

Kallen,

You have been immersed in this stuff for such a long time. But, you are your own person and deserve and should have a life of your own. Make the kind of life that you want for yourself; don't live in the past anymore. I'm being quite definite about this because I know what it's like.

It is possible to move on, maybe with some help from a therapist or a counsellor. You owe this to yourself.

Good thoughts, M

walkswithspiritbear,
Thank you for the hugs, understanding, and support, I really appreciate it. Yes, I am a confused mess at times, though I hide it really well most of the time. If you have any insights, please share, I would love to hear them.

SongBird,
Thank you for your kind support. My husband does know some of it, but not all of it. He knows my brother has problems, with still living there and all. He thinks it is odd and sad, but he doesn't say anything. They actually get along rather well, as my brother is very nice to my husband and they talk about sports, our kids, politics, etc. Not something he is used to from any members of his own family. At times I want to to let it all out and tell him everything, but I am afraid to. I don't want his pity. And since we have an extremely strained relationship with his family, mine is all we have. I am afraid if he knew everything, he would really dislike and lose all respect for my parents. It would definitely change the whole dynamic of our visits with them for sure.

Myzen,
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I do have my own life, thankfully, but there are still family visits that often leave me depressed. We live far enough away that we don't get together that often, but often enough to see their only grandchildren. And because of this, they stay for hours! It is too far of a drive for a short visit. I just hate how we all ignore the big old elephant in the room, but then again, what can be said about how they live? I just wish I could enjoy my visits with them, but I don't know how to, so I just pretend to, and count the minutes until they leave. I hate feeling that way, and feel guilty about it, too. They are afterall, "nice" to us. But I just try to be nice even though I feel like screaming at them sometimes.

ozzie,
Thank you! Yes, I can only change myself and not anyone else. But how do you deal with visiting your dysfunctional family as an adult? Especially when the problems that you tried to leave are staring at you in the face? I only see them all getting worse, so it is really hard not to be saddened when I keep seeing it in front of me.

(((Kallen...I used the trophy icon for this post b/c YOU DESERVE ONE!!)))))

My first thought was.....wow.....that's quite a full plate you've carried through your life! And look where you are! Taking into consideration all the stages of passing through the life of a very dysfunctional family (me, too)but you so eloquently described how you shifted, folded,and slide to keep YOUR mind straight and focused... BLUE RIBBON, GF!

Everything & every "player" moved & shifted that...yea, life still sucked major league at times (ALOT of times!) I can relate to your younger life....My Father was an alcoholic, physically & sexually abusive & my Mother put on her side-blinders & crawled into a bottle of Valium; my 4 older brothers (who were choir boys at church on Sundays) were all drug-dealers & burgulars in the neighborhood; I tried to look normal, but hey.......what's "normal" anyhow?

It sounded extremely emotionally "mish-mashed" with all family members...some sad & pathetic....yet, Kallen

Look at where you are today; smartly 100 miles from family (nice, "safe distance")two great kids & DH.....yeah, so they're all still alittle "off". But it sounds like you did what you "could do" for them & then you have to just step back, let out a huge sigh.......and let go.........live your life; there are some things can/will never change,unfortunetly. But YOU can & YOU did!

I had to stand back at age 43; my father no longer drinks but has turned into an absolute recluse (he does not have ONE friend...no lie)I think of it as he's "doing time" for all he inflicted on others; Mother is a tough broad who doesn't take %#@&#! from no one, hates taking ANY medications!
2 brothers have committed suicide & the other 2.....they're "different"

Kallen, you deserve great merit for going through what you did & it sounds like as long as you don't feel/take responsibility for anything any of the rest does in life.
You are doing great! no one's pushing the bad stuff off & saying that none of it mattered b/c you know better.

I say you deserve a medal of Valor & a HUGE
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS!!!)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Well done, soldier!

Peace, DAYZEE9

Wow, what a considerate and thoughtful reply! Thank you so much dayzee9!!! I'm sorry about your own dysfunctional upbringing, all of that must have been very traumatic. And I am so sorry about your brothers. How tragic. But look at you here helping others out! To have so much done to you, and then turn around and be so kind to others.

I don't know about deserving any praise, but it is nice to hear. We all do what we can to get through. As much as I think I put my past behind me, it is still there. And to keep my children's grandparents and aunt & uncle in their lives, I have to keep seeing their sad lives going down the tubes. No talk of ever changing anything either. So sad.

One thing you said about no one being able to say it didn't matter because I know better, well what about my mother telling me that she didn't know she was hurting me at the time. She has apologized, but still to say that she didn't know......how can that be? I have a really hard time believing that.

Anyway, thank you so much for your kind words. It helps more than you know.