How can I say goodbye to dysfunctional family members?

Hi. Thank you for the opportunity to ask you fine folks for your opinion.

I am a member of a dysfunctional family. I'm 39 and single and live alone, thank God! However, I'm the adult version of that kid that points out that the Emperor isn't wearing any clothes, and my family seems to despise me for my honesty about our situation. And I've had it with them.

My sister's family is falling apart because of their illusions of their lives. I can't stand my nephews and nieces because they are screaming, angry, attention-desperate kids. My sister is pregnant with their fifth child and no one in the household is working. My brother-in-law is a programmer who doesn't feel like working anymore. They are broke, about to lose everything, and they just don't seem to care.

My mother lives with them and is there for the purpose of being a live-in nanny. Yet she pits them all against each other. Her favorite phrases are, "I don't care," "I don't know," and "I can't." That's basically now how the whole lot of them reply to any kind of obstacle.

These people have nearly driven me to a breakdown once, and I feel like because their lives are out of control and spiraling downward that they are trying to take me along for the ride. But I'm not going with them nor will I be there for them when they're all homeless. I have limited financial means and I am unable to support them in any way. Yet they have brushed off any help I've tried to provide with job seeking, trying to get their family communicating properly, and just generally trying to be upbeat to help them through this situation of theirs.

So, what I would like help with is how can I tactfully say good riddance to these people? They call me and we live in the same town, so I can't just avoid them. I need to tell them that I just can't stand to be around them any longer, but I don't want to be mean about it. Is there any way to do this in a nice manner? Thank you.

Hi Oziad:
Well, I am in a similar situation, although mine isn't as extreme as yours. I can relate to the need to distance yourself, though. I haven't completely managed to make a clean break, and to be honest, my need to COMPLETELY break from them has diminished quite a bit since I initially decided that I should do so.

In my case, and maybe yours, there is a lot of guilt that goes along with deciding to disengage with family. I, like you, have no problem confronting them, but the resulting drama that ensues just doesn't seem to be worth it anymore. I have a really great therapist who "gave me permission" to develop stronger boundaries, and as weird as that seems to need "permission" from another adult to do something, it actually helped quite a bit. I didn't invite my parents to my wedding, and I stopped bending over backwards to accommodate their dysfunction. They don't like it and it has caused some resentment in my family, but we all survived, and as I mentioned before, my need to completely remove myself from them has diminished to some extent, which I consider to be a good thing. There was a point when I was ready to write them off altogether, but now I'm finding that I can tolerate them a little more now that I truly understand that my participation in my family is optional instead of mandatory.

Do you have a therapist? The "permission" thing is weird, but somehow very helpful. My other suggestion is to practice saying "wow, that's too bad" when they complain about how messed up their lives are, instead of trying to find solutions. I'm still not very good at it, but practicing is helping me become desensitized to their drama.

Stick around - hopefully we can help each other in this!

Hang in there,
LMo

Family relationships are a funny thing because you are born to it, and at one time beleived it to be the way life was. Now that you are conscoiusly aware of the disfunction, the situations grate on you. Also, you learned (and have been taught) to play a role of something like a peacekeeper as you try to make things better.

My solution was to move 800 km away, but, lo-and-behold, my family now lives within a 2km radious of me, so, what I ran away from has followed to vex me.

I have a mantra now that I repeat in my head when I'm with them. 'this is not my issue, nothing I do will help anyways, and say nothing". Now I sit back as an observer and although this new role confuses them, I just shrug and relax. Annoying things don't bother me much (or for long) anymore because I have disassociated myself from the scenerios.

You can't change them, but you can change how you react and what you decide will matter to you,,,,,or not. My sister has responded by adopting her friend and calling her 'sister' and inviting her to everything and excluding me. At first it hurt and bugged me but now I chuckle because it's such a stupid petty thing to do and I know I'm a great sister. Her loss, my chuckle.

Try reversing one annoying situation at a time and see if you can let some of this drop.

Good luck

Oh boy do I know that feeling LOL I AM the girl who pointed out the emperor had no clothes. LOL and had to cut off contact with family and friends many times. The last time lasted for I think 7-10 years. and even now those that don't agree with the fact that I exposed my abusers publically have no contact with me and I say their loss.

I have been over the past few years been reconciling with those that do accept that I did what I had to do because I was protecting myself and other potential victims and that I will always continue with my advocacy work with survivors in one way or another, Laura Davis's book - I thought we'd never speak again came in real handy, great advice and info that helped me to know when to choose my battles and so on in trying to get back in touch and form new healthier relationships with these people.

But those that still don't see that I could not keep quiet any longer and possibly allow others to get hurt by my abusers or even accept that their loved one was my abuser I leave it up to them now. and go on with my life with my friends who have become a new non abusive family for me along with those true family that are now back in my life.

How did I cut of contact welll I basically didn't have to once I opened my mouth about who my abusers were and let it be known that I was doing public speaking engagements in schools, community agencies, and in the mass media by way of local newspapers they themselves cut off contact with me after much threatening and abusive behavior against me and then my friends to try and force me to recant the newspaper article and stop doing my guest speaking engagements. when I held my ground they backed off and disapeared from my life. Their loss.

Tactfully? the only thing I can think of is just start pulling yourself away from family gatherings and so on, get an unlisted number and don't give it out to anyone other than your personal friends that you know would not give it to your family. Many people just walk away without saying goodbye. they just go or remove themselves from family situations until the family no longer assumes the person has the time for the picnic reunion, graduations, weddings and so on.

I just wanted to ask is having a family that is dysfunctional something to give up on. I hate not having a family. I feel awful my kids don't feel close to my family. It has become a battleground trying to be with one another. However, I want us all to seek help from couseling. I don't believe it is hopeless. I hate not having family. So many of the people I know and love have families. It is so embarrassing to be the only one without. I also wouldn't want to barge in on theirs to feel like I have family. It doesn't seem right.

Well, I know that you mean, in a way. I crave having a family to be close to. I tend to latch on to other people's families. My stepmom has inordinate power to hurt me because I am starved for mothering (my mom died when I was a teenager).

But, honestly - sometimes I think that no family at all would be better than a family filled with drama and criticism. If I could just deal with my family in short doses, it would be a lot easier to appreciate the good parts. I do my best to limit my exposure to them (last year I flew 3000 miles to spend Christmas day with them -- for the day. I arrived at 8am and was back on a plane to return home at 6pm). They just have a way of sucking the life force out of me.

I know but I am alone as a single parent now. My husband left me 4 years ago and now I feel so afraid to remarry until I have this resolved. I believe that my lack of family is to blame for my inability to function as a wife. My family was never close, we never listened to each other, we couldn't hug each other without feeling strange. My husband always said it drove him nuts and I was as cold as ice. He hasn't found much better but I still feel I am without faith in my ability to change my chances of having a loving family until I do. So I go on being lonely. It hurts like hell and I worry it will be my kids destiny. I don't want them to resent me for never having the family they could have had. I guess this is just like living in a fairy tale and most families don't have these close relationships, but I ache like you say in the presence of my family at holidays. Like you said it is worse to go than not, but I also ache being alone. I just can't wait till the holiday is over.

Determined, I'm going to start another thread to continue this part of the discussion, ok?

Oziad - is any of this helpful? What are your thoughts?

Hi Oziad,

I had to "divorse" most of the members of my mom side including her, to keep my family safe espeically my kids. If you want to PM , I can tell you more. But it was the BEST thing for me to do, 5 years later, I don't miss them and I feel like I stopped the cycle of disfunction at least for my family. Don't let them bring you down to their level. Good luck!

No giving up on a dysfunctional family is not required for healing. Many survivors don't shut out their families. partly because they have reached a point already in their healing to understand that things are not always "if you don't give up the abuser you are siding with the abuser and in order for me to heal you must give up this that and the other to be in MY life not theirs" kind of thing. Many survivors that I met couldnt understand why I was not asking and forcing my mother to give up on my step father, and at times having contact with her while she was still with him. But I was at a point where I knew my mother choosing him over me does not prevent me from getting the therapy and so on that I needed and it didn't prevent me from keeping myself safe from him. I also knew that there may be a possibility that yea he abused me but he may be non abusive with her. and also I respect the fact that it was her life if she choose to be with him with or without abuse happening thats her choice for she was an adult. I certainly wouldn't want someone telling me to choose them or my loved one for who I date and fall in love with is my business and no one elses. They don't have a right to tell me who to be freinds with or love and the same for me I don't have the right to tell my non abusive family members who they can have contact with and so on. When my family and I split it was based on what was happening to me and what I needed to do to keep me safe. The only ultimatum I gave was to my abuser that he stay away from me. The others choose to follow suit. and I was in therapy and healing for years before this happened. so I know from personal experience that cutting off family is not always going to prevent a person from doing what they need to do for thier self.

I am not really considering my situation as abuse other than emotional. Which is difficult in its own. I am not sure what you are refering to. My father despite his best efforts has never understood what it should be like to have a father. He had a father but he was an alcoholic. My father despite not being an alcoholic was a work-a-holic. It may have been his escape from the reality he had children, something he may have never been allowed to be. My mother who did loose her father at an early age dotes on my dad probably because she is afraid to loose him. He has alienated almost all of us. We hardly speak to them because he continues to treat us like we are winers. If we have a bad day he has no sympathy, basically ignores our feelings. I know his mother wouldn't let him cry. I know that is corney but I remember grandma not letting me cry when I was little. I was scared to death to stay with her because she made me sleep in Grandpa's bedroom. They had separate rooms so that tells you how great their relationship was. (He was dead, but I thought he had died there? As a child it was tramatic for me) I had two sisters and a brother. We are all big babies in his eyes. Not tough enough to handle life, which strangely enough his tougher than nails mother committed suicide. So then you wonder is it us who is not tough or their facade of being tough a hoaks. My brother rarely visits, he is 45 and single. My little sister has refused to admit we are family. My older sister is giving up the battle. She being the oldest tried for years to keep us together but I think she has given up too. Myself, I don't know what to do.

what am I referring to?
You don't have to give up family and loved ones just to feel better.

I was referring to a situation that comes up alot when I meet survivors when I was in contact with my whole family.

Alot of survivors basically give their loved ones an ultimatum -

"you give up on the person who abused me or I can't have you in my life."

or

"This person abused me so I cant be in contact with you if you still like that abuser"

or

"you like him? But he abused me so now you are taking his side if you are staying with him."

Those are examples of ultimatums I have heard when attending various support groups, seminars and so on.

I chose not to do that. I flat out told my relatives. This person abused me. No I am not asking you to choose him over me. If you want contact with that person that is your choice. My choice for ME is that I will not have contact with my abuser. He is your husband, father, brother and so on I am not going to make you choose.

So then sitting in groups, seminars and so on I would get asked -

How can you like your mother, sisters, brothers and so on? they are still in contact with the abuser that means they have chosen the abuser over you thats not right. how can you heal if they are not on your side.

My answer back was -

What I can't go to therapy if they have contact with my abuser? I can't work on taking care of my flashbacks if they see my abuser? Come on healing does not depend on other people choosing sides. Yes my abuser was wrong in what he did to me but that does not mean my relatives are wrong in that they love their husband, brother, father and want contact with him.

whether or not they see him I can still do what I need to do to take care of me.

What to do?

take it one step at a time.

The first step is to throw everything to the side lines except what you need. You can't help them if you are falling apart kind of thing so the first step is getting yourself on track.

Do you have a therapist, psychiatrist or psychologist? if not that is the first step because they can help you put things in perspective and help you work on things one thing at a time.

have a nice dinner with everyone together, then ask them to listen to your problem about needing to take care of yourself, then say i love you but i can't do this anymore and goodbye.

whatever you decide they should respect. it's best to have everyone together when you say goodbye so they don't confuse "how" you said goodbye through gossip.

I have not had to do this with my family, but with close (so called) friends that I have known for years. I wish you the best!

Love,
Sujin

Thank you all for you help. It has made me realize that I didn't need to cut off ties with my family members.

I had the opportunity the other day to stand up for myself and let them know that I'm tired of being manipulated by them and constantly feeling worried about their futures. I told them that I've done all I can to help them and that I need some time to concentrate on my life, and would they mind not dumping their problems on me any longer.

I actually got an apology from them! I think they knew how much it took for me to stand up to them and they agreed they had been dumping their worries on me.

My sister and brother-in-law somehow got his parents to pay their late bills. He's been actively looking for a job the last couple days. And Mom has knocked it off with her nonsense when I talked to her yesterday.

For me, this has been a miracle. But, I wouldn't have done it if it hadn't been for you nice people. Thank you all for your replies!

oziad, be proud of you! (((((((huggs))))))))

I get what you mean about not cutting off the family ties to those who did not hurt you. I did seek therapy but can't really see it going anywhere. I did manage to overcome some issues with my ex seeing my kids. I still worrry he will turn them against me because he made me feel most of the issues we had were my fault. Sometimes I fall into his trap and doubt myself and that causes me to be insecure and beg my kids to not leave me. However lately I have realized this is what gives him and my family power over my self esteme. I realize if they try to pit another against me and I react it makes it easier for them to justify that I am abnormal. So I am trying to not react. I want to so bad but it is funny even my kids remind me that I don't have to. I guess I am paranoid that what they say is true but I am learning it isn't. So with or without a counselor I just have to remember I am only as confident as I believe I am. No one can make me feel bad, I am just letting them. I have to be the one to be okay no matter what they say or do.