[greenfairy]

didnt know where to post this and sorry if i'm rambling but i haven't slept and am a complete mess. my grandfather raised me first part of my life. parents never around and he took care of us, in his own slow, half the time asleep but always caring way. loved him so much its hard to think about him without crying and when he died it ripped me a part. so much of my love for him was destroyed, because after he died was when the abuse started and god i blamed him, felt he abandoned me. and it lasted two years, two years of hell that turned me into just an empty shell of a person. things didnt get any easier growing up, went through alot. i guess i could get past all of it, live with all of it, if i didn't keep ruining my life. every time there is someone in my life that i care about in any capacity, its like a switch goes off in my brain and i have this urge to destroy. and if i think theres something really good there? i take that relationship and i beat it with a stick, hack it with an axe and burn it to ashes and then bury my feelings with it. forced myself to return to therapy recently because i dont want to keep doing this but its too late. i did it again. i waited too long and thats it. its like a cycle and i dont know how to break it. i keep telling myself that things cant always end badly, that i just need to give something a chance just once, just wait and see, but theres a part of me so terrified of more pain, so convinced i dont have any healing left, that its not worth the risk. just wondering if this makes sense to anyone.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((greenfairy)))))))))))))

I had the same anger at my father. He was the one who loved me the most and could've saved me but he just didn't know...then he left.

I so understand. However, please don't think it's too late. It's not.

Therapy has saved my quality of life. It truly has. I'm now able to enjoy life and function much better in appreciating what is around me while dealing with the yuck.

You can do this. We'll be here with you while you do.

KD

((((((((((((((greenfairy and Kimmydawn)))))))))))))

[Rhapsody]

Yes it makes sense - You are afraid of loving someone and then maybe having to hurt all over again.... but please do remember that what happen in one relationship will not always happen in another.

Find the center of your deep empty hole (from hurt and lost love) and fill it with happiness and a new life.... let the love of another work its own self out and all will be good.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ((((((( HUGS )))))))

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((greenfairy)))))))))))))))))))) It is so hard to untangle all t he emotions from something like that. I am still trying and making progress in t. Please trust that not all relationships are like that but it takes time to learn how to trust again. Please don't give up.

[greenfairy]

thank you for being here. i dont know how i got by before pc. just that i was lonely. and i guess so much of my hurt is that the people in my life who should have been there to care for me and protect me werent.
i'm trying to put the wrecking ball away for a while. i've been drinking too much, pushing people out of my life with all the strength i can muster, and going through every day like there is no future anyway so why bother. i dont want to be that person. i hate that i always give up the things that mean the most to me. had this terrible urge all morning to call one of the few remaining people in my life who actually cares and say go away already. so i put the phone in my car and i'm sitting here, typing this, resisting the urge to destroy destroy destroy. thank you for listening.