Feel so weak and like such an idiot

I'm in my forties and I still cannot even try on a bra in a store without feeling shaky and anxious. My mother f'ed me up so badly for so many situations. Forcing me to shop for bras with her and change in front of her and feeling me up "to see if it fits." Going into my first gyno appointment with me to "protect" me. Inspecting us all the time for breast cancer and to see if we were . . . ugh. never mind. cannot even type it.

So I'm too shaky and scared to see a doctor and keep putting it off and I cannot stop being shaky and queasy after HAVING to buy a bra this morning. When do the crappy feelings finally go away?? It seems like therapy has actually made things worse in that I have lost the ability to disassociate unless something HUGE happens.

Therapy is how to feel better. It takes time though. I'm sorry that you have been in distress.

I've been told that sometimes you feel worse before you get better. The dissociation probably numbed you out to help you survive, but the therapist is supposed to help you actually deal with your pain/emotions so you can get through and past the pain so it no longer controls you. At least that is my understanding.

Probably if you go bra shopping and nothing bad happens, it will cease to bother you in time. Your body will adapt to the new situation. If you avoid it, the old associations will remain.

wow, your mom was sick and really violated you. i can understand your response to what you are going thru. its going to take a lot of exposure and self talk to get over it. maybe going bra shopping (without buying) several times over, telling yourself mom is not here, and has no power over you, you can get any bra you want, mom can no longer touch me, will eventually desensitize you to bra shopping.

as for the obgyn appts. I cant do them. the only time i have ever had them is when i was pregnant. i went 16 years without one, which wasnt good since i came up bad once and had cryosurgery after my second child, but i just cant bring myself to do it. when i was using a physicians assistant to try and get psych meds taken care of, she was nagging me to do one at every appt, so as i gained trust in her, i finally let her do one, but that was 4 years ago.

but you are not weak. you have reason to feel the way you do.

I can't say this any better than kaliope has. I am so sorry you're suffering from your mom's abuse & hope therapy breaks you thru it. *hugs*

Dissociation was definitely how I survived. And it was definitely "easier" for me than actually feeling emotions. I'm a little perplexed about why I am now not able to get away and turn off emotions when my T and I have barely discussed and never 'worked' on the dissociation.

In your last paragraph, what you're saying is I just need to sort of desensitize myself to bra shopping? Ugh. I'm not sure I can face that right now. Just the thought of it has me all sweaty and shaky inside.

Thanks Kaliope. I see you're suggesting the same desensitizing thing as roadrunner. bleah. Just the thought makes me want to cry and curl up in a corner. Ugh. See, I am SO weak. Maybe I'll discuss it with my T and see if he can help me with what kind of things I can say to myself to get through it.

I'm sorry you have the same issue with the ob/gyn appointments. I used to be able to just turn off my emotions and get through them. Maybe if I trusted a doctor and felt I really knew him/her, it would be better. But, I don't have a doctor I feel that way about.

you took your first baby step in healing by buying your bra GOOD FOR YOU!
now maybe the next time it won't be so bad.
remember you did it, and the journey to healing is one day at a time. (((hugs)))

I would think that you would first need to talk about the past some with your T and release some of these stored emotions before you could start to desensitize. If you are still filled with the emotions they need to be released first.