Things people say...

*miht trigger for mention of SA*
I have a best friend, shes truly a wonderful friend..in all other things..weve been friends since middle school and shes one of the few people that know my secrets...she lives far awaym, but in one of my *crisises* I told her i needed to talk to somebody (and im too shy to call my T or email my T)

she knows about my SA. I told her the other day, that I re-experienced something frmo SA in my head and I was really scared,, and I didnt want to make the conversation akward so I was like "oh whatever blah its ok..anyway..." and she was like "Dont wory..everything will change when u meet a nice guy"..

and im 100% deathly afraid of a man just looking at me 100 feet away from me...



I should have saved this conversation for my T

Has this ever happened to u...people said stuff that didnt really help at all....or they just didnt understand (even if they meant well)

yup. it's awkward.. people mean well, but they don't know what to say...but they want to say something...

especially if you are young & didn't send pout a specific message..well chances are you are going to get a pretty general not so good but i'm trying response...

i get those sometimes..& i'm 53...so yeah it gets better but...

sexual abuse is hard for people...to grasp. mental illness is too. my friends have a hard time with my ptsd, & my sexual abuse stuff & all..i am patient with them because i know they try...they do...& if their response isn't perfect or what i totally need at the time...i can either tell that that & see if they will try to respond clearer & closer to my needs...or just be happy that as my friends they are sticking with me & not running for the hills.

sometimes i must frustrate them with my responses...so i figure it balances out..i have to miss the boat at times & i am sure when i do i flop pretty good.

so like you said..you didn't give your friend much to go on because you didn't want to make the conversation awkward...she might not have been paying close enough attention at that moment...you both kind of missed each other on that one.

next time like i mentioned...you be specific about your needs if you want something & define what you are talking about...& then she will know it is important to you.

sorry this happened...i hate it when it does..makes me mad...

signed
been there, done that..couldn't by the t shirt cuz the ship done left without me & i couldn't get to the gift shop

It's disappointing when we reach out to people and they don't quite get it. I'm glad that you can see she is a wonderful friend, even if she's not able to really support you on coping with the effects of the abuse. I've had some similar experiences, and it really hurts when you want a friend to understand and they don't.

One of my friends doesn't quite get the dynamics of what happened or the symptoms I experience today, so to avoid feeling misunderstood, with her I will talk about "feeling panic" rather than getting into the specifics of a flashback or something. This way she can give me support--meet up with me so I don't feel alone, or chat with me on the phone until I feel calmer. This way, I get the support she can give without feeling hurt by what she can't give.

Stumpy makes a good point that maybe you guys missed each other...maybe initiate another conversation, or ask her if she felt uncomfortable when you brought it up, and talk about what you do need to hear when you can share. Good luck!

I can relate to friends not being very friendly. I was friendly in high school with people. I met friends to play music with. I met friends to play sports with. I met friends to listen to music and goof around with. I guess I never met anyone who liked me for me though. I was a good athelete. I was a talented guitarist. I was OK in academics. I knew the right musical bands to listen to so that I could appear "cool" or unafraid, I guess. I had the song and dance down pretty well. When graduation came, I had zero coping skills and mega problems. It was like hitting a concrete wall at 100 miles an hour. SPLAT. That was my introduction to the adult world. All the friends I thought I had made in high school, disregarded me as though I was a sick pet. Kinda sad but, life goes on. So I was disregarded and having to comprehend tons of issues flodding on me all at once. Unresolved issues from early childhood, major issues. I will most likely never be able to trust anyone as a friend again. It was that painful. I got help from docs and therapists. My birth family helped a bit, also. I met my wife, and she has been my rock of stability. Life does go on, but compassion and empathy are very important. I think my friends now realize that they were insensitive. That isn't my problem. I can't try to be their friend, anymore. If they want my friendship, they have to express an interest in me. I hope this helps.

At 38, I told my oldest brother a snippet of things I've endured since I can remember at the hands of the next in line. The oldest laughed.

People are stupid, at times, and really have to concept of how SA affects some. Especially if victimized at a young age (and repeated victimized throughout life).

Hugs to you. Give it no value.

god people can be so insenstive sometimes!!! your friend clearly has no idea of the effect the SA has had on you, and yes i agree, you shld have saved it for your T...god bless...

Meet a nice guy???

Like that's going to cure it?

for many years, I tried to meet men so that I could forget about it.

it backfired.

And that was insensitive, or at best, ignorant of her.

I think I avoid making friends with women because they seem to profess at "matchmaking" and look at me weird if I don't have anyone. Or they think that having the right man or the right s*x will instantly cure me.

I got married 2 years ago and lost my husband because I was not ready to deal with my issues.

It is not a cure.

I wish your friend had just listened to you and been empathetic instead of trying to "fix" you.

Billi