[shoez]

..*trigger warning*..

I know mayb lots of CSA ppl understand this.....but sometimes I wonder..

Right now im at a state where..everything is triggering me. But...I realized, Ive never ever had any romantic feelings for anybody ever. All Ive ever felt is fear.
Usually, if I have ever gotten close to a guy , I immediately assume that he is going to use me, and I have to let them. (ugh this is so hard to type.. its so scary..)

um..
and I realize, that I feel like a little kid in that area, I dont have any interest in .."it"..(ew ew ew )
and I dont ..really care about it...and i dont have any healthy or good feelings about it..
I feel like a little kid, and Ive never looked at someone and thought they were so attractive it made me "like" them or anything like that..

Ive always seen things ina little kid type of waay...like... mom and dad... teacher...

like just not relationships.

Does this make sense

anybody else feel like this sometimes...

yup. totally.

I have fallen in love with many woman. I've only told one. She dumped me. I love my wife. She clubbed me over the head and dragged me home. Uhh OK. Sex, I've been OK with that, if it is offered. I've never turned it down. It has only been offered a few times. Poor and crazy with zero social skill as well as talentless, doesn't tend to attract the ladies. Sad for me, but oh so true. I've considered castrating myself before, to avoid further frustration. I didn't. I'm glad about that. So, I'm awkward with the opposite sex also, it is an understatement.

[Switch]

It could be your past, or you could be asexual, or both? I have a few friends who are asexual, and for them it's just... they're just not interested in sex. It doesn't appeal to them, they don't really have a desire for it, and they don't really want to deal with it. They have close friendships, and I know of an asexual woman who "dates" people, but never really has sex with them unless they want it - that would be Emillie Autumn, fyi. So not someone I "know" but I know of. (ps, Emillie Autumn's work (shes a singer/poet/performer) is really triggering, as is the story of her past. If you're easily triggered please don't submit yourself to that. She holds nothing back.)

My girlfriends sister is asexual. For her, she just never got to the point in her life where anyone became "attractive" so she just lives her life and doesn't worry about it.

One friend was in a relationship at one point, and it wasn't that he couldn't have sex or didn't get off, but that he didn't care about the sex, he cared about the person. She ended up using him then leaving him, which is sad and I think happens often.

I don't think you should worry about it. Just live the way you want to live, and don't think you need to "do" or "feel" things that you just don't. I don't think it means you won't have a fulfilling life, or fulfilling relationship with someone, just that it's not going to be the way the world would picture it. I'm getting use to living a way I want that the world doesn't quite get, so it takes some getting use to, but it's possible, and it's a lot brighter imo.

I hope that helps, and I hope I didn't misread your post. Tell me if I did, but regardless hope you're doing alright right now.

[shoez]

Originally Posted by Switch

It could be your past, or you could be asexual, or both? I have a few friends who are asexual, and for them it's just... they're just not interested in sex. It doesn't appeal to them, they don't really have a desire for it, and they don't really want to deal with it. They have close friendships, and I know of an asexual woman who "dates" people, but never really has sex with them unless they want it - that would be Emillie Autumn, fyi. So not someone I "know" but I know of. (ps, Emillie Autumn's work (shes a singer/poet/performer) is really triggering, as is the story of her past. If you're easily triggered please don't submit yourself to that. She holds nothing back.)

My girlfriends sister is asexual. For her, she just never got to the point in her life where anyone became "attractive" so she just lives her life and doesn't worry about it.

One friend was in a relationship at one point, and it wasn't that he couldn't have sex or didn't get off, but that he didn't care about the sex, he cared about the person. She ended up using him then leaving him, which is sad and I think happens often.

I don't think you should worry about it. Just live the way you want to live, and don't think you need to "do" or "feel" things that you just don't. I don't think it means you won't have a fulfilling life, or fulfilling relationship with someone, just that it's not going to be the way the world would picture it. I'm getting use to living a way I want that the world doesn't quite get, so it takes some getting use to, but it's possible, and it's a lot brighter imo.

I hope that helps, and I hope I didn't misread your post. Tell me if I did, but regardless hope you're doing alright right now.

Mayb ur right!, and u read my post just fine. I dont worry about it alot, but people ..are always asking me "Why dont u have a bf"..."when are u gonna get a bf". and then I start...freaking out like....ive never liked anyone romantically blah blah blah.
But..I think ur right, just because I dont have a bf doesnt mean i cant have a good life, (at this point I dont think having a bf would make my current state better at all...) Im doing better after reading all these helpful posts <3

[Open Eyes]

(((shoez))))

I am glad your feeling better about how you feel, you have some wonderful support in the posts here. Not everyone is cut out for relationships in the traditional sense, those who try to follow the norm can end up not feeling fulfilled at all. You really have to follow the beat of your own drumb. And if other people insist on asking why you havent fit into what they consider the norm, just say, its not my thing, I like to fly solo and that is it. You have every right to be matter of fact in your reply and if others have a problem with that, well, it is their problem, not yours.

"To thy own self be true"

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[Sannah]

Shoez, you need to heal first.

[BLUEDOVE]

Hi Shoez,
I can only tell you what I feel through my own
experience.I Think perhaps you feel like a little kid because
you ARE A LITTLE KID,at least mentally+emotionally.I think
since you have mentioned it twice in your post,your subcons-
ious is trying to tell you it's time to grow up;that you are
strong enough now to begin the work needed to become an
adult. For most of my life I was in a "deep-trance-state" that
occurred when I was very young and getting physically and
emotionally abused.I know now this is a survival strategy for
a child,rather than go insane with the knowledge that the
"perfect parents" he desperately loves,are in fact monsters to him or her.And so nature provides the ability to put self
in trance when there is no avenue of escape,no one to tell,
and TRAPPED. The child has no other option because of it's
powerlessness,and so in effect "goes away" in it's mind.
Although this may save it's life,there is a problem.The child
FREEZES emotionally+psychologically into that trance-state,
and here's the kicker,unless it is fortunate to find out his or
her condition,the child grows up to be in effect,an "Adult-
Child". A child in an adult's body,just like I was until the
year 2000 when I started to awaken.It is a long and difficult
journey,but if you do not take it you will never find out who
you really are!
But I must say,if I had NOT went for help and
done all the work I have done,I would never have found out
who I really was,so I am GLAD I found out;becaussseee,I
would never have found the good,decent,courageous,loving
person I am.
So,little Shoez,I think you have some work to do.Find a therapist,a good one can be hard to find,but a
good indication is,if they treat you with the utmost courtesy
and respect,they are liable to be good.
Meanwhile,please do
NOT let anyone do what they want to you!This is a symptom of the abuse. If ever there were a school for being
a victim,child abuse is it par execellence.Here are some things you may recognize in yourself that indicate the abuse:Pleasing other people regardless of YOUR wants+needs,trying to be perfect in all you do,a fear of
making mistakes,unnecessary hurrying,inability to stand up
for self when others are being rude or abusive,thinking you
are undeserving of others respect or kindness(it's just me),
miserly with self,again, because you don't feel worth it,afraid of anyone in "authority",giving in to others opinions
when you know otherwise.I've probably missed some out,
but you get the picture.But,for NOW,the main one for YOU
is,YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY BOUNDARIES!People say or do
whatever they like and you comply,just as you had to do
when you were a child.For God's sake Shoez,please don't
let them trample over you,YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO SAY NO!
Tell them to **** off! Well,OK,that may be asking too much
at present,but you CAN and should say NO! OTHER PEOPLE
DO NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.
Well,that's about all I can say for now,but please do not
hesitate to message me if you want further info,or you are
stuck at some point,I will only be too glad to help.
Deepest Respect + Compassion
To You,
BLUEDOVE

I'm glad you are feeling better. I wouldn't want a woman to pretend to like or want me. Or, god forbid, pretend to love. I've been alone in times in my past. Guys cry about "blue ****" but it isn't a big deal. No one should feel pressured into physical love. guys or gals.

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

I hope it's ok but I'm glad to see this being discussed.

I thought I was the only one. . .

Wishing us all recovery!

[shoez]

.I Think perhaps you feel like a little kid because
you ARE A LITTLE KID,at least mentally+emotionally.I think
since you have mentioned it twice in your post,your subcons-
ious is trying to tell you it's time to grow up;that you are
strong enough now to begin the work needed to become an
adult. For most of my life I was in a "deep-trance-state" that
occurred when I was very young and getting physically and
emotionally abused.I know now this is a survival strategy for
a child,rather than go insane with the knowledge that the
"perfect parents" he desperately loves,are in fact monsters to him or her.And so nature provides the ability to put self
in trance when there is no avenue of escape,no one to tell,
and TRAPPED.

-This almost made me cry, cuz a lot of the time....thats how i feel..I dont feel big...I feel like a little kid and Im always scared of everything cuz I dont feel big enough to deal with all this stuff at school or in life , and I still live with my mom and she still treats me the same and I cant tell my T everything about what she still does to me because im too scared. Im still trapped with my mom, and i dont feel my age around her....my sister is growing up, and her voice sometimes sounds like my moms voice, and one time she was talking and I thought I was literally going to pee in my pants (cuz my mom was supposed to be at work...and I didnt realize it was my sister talking).

The child has no other option because of it's
powerlessness,and so in effect "goes away" in it's mind.
Although this may save it's life,there is a problem.The child
FREEZES emotionally+psychologically into that trance-state,
and here's the kicker,unless it is fortunate to find out his or
her condition,the child grows up to be in effect,an "Adult-
Child". A child in an adult's body,just like I was until the
year 2000 when I started to awaken.It is a long and difficult
journey,but if you do not take it you will never find out who
you really are!

I found this out last Teusday at my T session..I didnt realize I was regressing to 7 years old until she said "I think your 7 years old right now..thats what u look like". Im happy I found my T, I used to have another T and she believed my mom, and didnt believe me. My T now ..I havent told her a lot but she said she wants to help me.

Meanwhile,please do
NOT let anyone do what they want to you!This is a symptom of the abuse. If ever there were a school for being
a victim,child abuse is it par execellence.Here are some things you may recognize in yourself that indicate the abuse:Pleasing other people regardless of YOUR wants+needs,trying to be perfect in all you do,a fear of
making mistakes,unnecessary hurrying,inability to stand up
for self when others are being rude or abusive,thinking you
are undeserving of others respect or kindness(it's just me),
miserly with self,again, because you don't feel worth it,afraid of anyone in "authority",giving in to others opinions
when you know otherwise.I've probably missed some out,
but you get the picture.But,for NOW,the main one for YOU
is,YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY BOUNDARIES!People say or do
whatever they like and you comply,just as you had to do
when you were a child.For God's sake Shoez,please don't
let them trample over you,YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO SAY NO!
Tell them to **** off! Well,OK,that may be asking too much
at present,but you CAN and should say NO! OTHER PEOPLE
DO NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.
Well,that's about all I can say for now,but please do not
hesitate to message me if you want further info,or you are
stuck at some point,I will only be too glad to help.
Deepest Respect + Compassion
To You,
BLUEDOVE

-I cant believe u listed some stuff I didnt even know I really did for a reason...
I just thought I did em cuz thats the way I am. I hurry a lot because im afraid of doing things wrong....and a lot of times my boss doesnt pay me cuz I dont say anything and I dont like asking for money. Ill try to be more aware of when i do these thigns, I dont know if I can change right away but it helps to know some of these things I do arent just by accident.
Thank u so much for your post...
Thank you everybody for your posts, they were all really helpful, and helped me feel validated in a lot of things.
I appreciate all of this so much I really really really do

Thank u

[WantingtoHeal]

Bluedove wrote:
For God's sake Shoez,please don't
let them trample over you,YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO SAY NO!

BLUEDOVE[/QUOTE]

This is powerful. I never felt I could say No to anyone. When someone asked me to do something inappropriate, I'd freeze, and follow every command. To this day, when someone is crossing my boundaries, I still freeze and can't say No.

Shoez, I'm glad you are finding some help here. I'm not proud to be male these days. I'm glad women are getting the respect they deserve though.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by shoez

..*trigger warning*..

I know mayb lots of CSA ppl understand this.....but sometimes I wonder..

Right now im at a state where..everything is triggering me. But...I realized, Ive never ever had any romantic feelings for anybody ever. All Ive ever felt is fear.
Usually, if I have ever gotten close to a guy , I immediately assume that he is going to use me, and I have to let them. (ugh this is so hard to type.. its so scary..)

um..
and I realize, that I feel like a little kid in that area, I dont have any interest in .."it"..(ew ew ew )
and I dont ..really care about it...and i dont have any healthy or good feelings about it..
I feel like a little kid, and Ive never looked at someone and thought they were so attractive it made me "like" them or anything like that..

Ive always seen things ina little kid type of waay...like... mom and dad... teacher...

like just not relationships.

Does this make sense

anybody else feel like this sometimes...

YES!

I have an abnormal aversion to s*x and to my own body, which I am painfully working thru right now.

I still feel like I relate like a child to ppl---doctors, storekeepers, my roommate, my bf, even ppl my own age!

I am very aware now that this is FROM BEING ABUSED. It's not what I am. I am an adult---a 44 year old woman who deserves to be treated like one. But it's hard to believe with all that conditioning, still.

makes perfect sense.

Billi

[BlackCat13]

7 out of 10 I feel like I'm 8 years old again. Like I'm back at the time where it all happened yet I'm making up for all the lost happiness. When I'm around certain people, I'm a little girl waiting for their approval. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever come out of my shell but atm I'm completely comfortable with it.

[Phreak]

IIRC ageplay is commonly recognised, and there are sites like Guardian Island that cater to it.

Psychologists used to, and some still do, use age regression as a form of psychotherapy, so being aware that at times you're not feeling your physical age is certainly nothing to worry about.

In my limited experience it's best to allow yourself to go with it in a safe environment, as personally I find when I'm feeling "little" I'm alot more emotionally fragile than I are when I'm emotionally feeling more my physical age.

There is however a frustrating lack of proper psychological research in this whole area that I've personally managed to find available on the net.

Just allow yourself the space and freedom to feel however you wish to feel without judging yourself for it, and surround yourself with people who will indulge you and look out for you as much as possible. I'd certainly recommend where possible speaking to a professional about it though in order for them to help you work through any deep rooted issues that could be underlying this and triggering it to occur.