[fishsandwich]

So um, I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this, sorry. I've been unable to sleep this morning because of some extremely specific worries, so I figured I'd "crowdsource" my problem.

I was raped by an ex-partner. I had wanted to be a virgin my entire life - and I told him this - but he did such disgusting things to me in spite of this. This was not something I had ever expected to happen in my life, and essentially I refuse to live with it. I must have my innocence back.

I've been in therapy since the rape, but it's done **** all. I keep telling the therapist that no amount of processing, coping, moving forward, etc. is going to happen, because my brain just doesn't work like that. He frustrates me, mostly by telling me to think in ways that just don't make any sense. Regular PTSD therapy also hasn't worked for me in the past. The rape crisis centre in my region refused to work with me because I "have a mental illness" (which I don't think I have) that I don't get any "treatment" for; one of their conditions was that I drug myself for this supposed illness.

I'm kind of at my wit's end. I can see myself committing suicide if I can't regain that innocence; I don't feel sad or desperate about that, just resigned. It seems unfortunate that I might have to kill myself because of his filth, but eh. That's life, I suppose. I just wanted to see if anyone had any ideas.

[carrie_ann]

i'm truly sorry for what your ex done to you but ... sorry this is not meant to sound harsh ... no amount of therapy or different types of therapy will work if you don't want them to. you need to want to move on for anything to work or improve.

again, i am truly sorry for what happened to you.

[in.neverland]

I really really think therapy will help you. i also think u should be able to share all of those concerns with the therapist and make a desicion with him/her, and if necessary just change the therapist. I think the person that helps is very important and also need to be able to understand our point of view and our concerns.

[nicoleflynn]

Contact RAINN....I have heard good things about them. Hugs

I have never heard of a Rape crisis center saying what they did to you; how can they diagnose anyone?!

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Contact RAINN....I have heard good things about them. Hugs

I have never heard of a Rape crisis center saying what they did to you; how can they diagnose anyone?!

I live in the United Kingdom and rape crisis centres in the major cities are connected to our national health service. It just works differently

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by in.neverland

I really really think therapy will help you. i also think u should be able to share all of those concerns with the therapist and make a desicion with him/her, and if necessary just change the therapist. I think the person that helps is very important and also need to be able to understand our point of view and our concerns.

Thanks. I have told the therapist, he can't understand; I'm unable (for various reasons) to easily change the therapist I see.

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by carrie_ann

i'm truly sorry for what your ex done to you but ... sorry this is not meant to sound harsh ... no amount of therapy or different types of therapy will work if you don't want them to. you need to want to move on for anything to work or improve.

again, i am truly sorry for what happened to you.

It's not that I don't want it to work, it's that I can't understand how it's supposed to. I keep getting told ways to look at the situation that are simply counterfactual.

[carrie_ann]

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

I live in the United Kingdom and rape crisis centres in the major cities are connected to our national health service. It just works differently

try the rape crisis helpline, they are an independant charity

[redbull]

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

I've been in therapy since the rape, but it's done **** all. I keep telling the therapist that no amount of processing, coping, moving forward, etc. is going to happen, because my brain just doesn't work like that. He frustrates me, mostly by telling me to think in ways that just don't make any sense.

I had to walk away from my therapist because of feeling similar to the way you describe. The frustration with everything..the abuse..my family..and then add on top of that the therapist that truly wasn't helping me in any way, only added to my anger. And anger is not healthy, it makes me want to escape into my obsessions/addictions.

Have you considered getting a new therapist? Or letting him know that he's not making sense to you?

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by carrie_ann

try the rape crisis helpline, they are an independant charity

Oh, I have done -- it's just the lady I spoke to asked me why I didn't do more to stop him. So yeah, not ringing them again.

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by redbull

I had to walk away from my therapist because of feeling similar to the way you describe. The frustration with everything..the abuse..my family..and then add on top of that the therapist that truly wasn't helping me in any way, only added to my anger. And anger is not healthy, it makes me want to escape into my obsessions/addictions.

Have you considered getting a new therapist? Or letting him know that he's not making sense to you?

Thanks for your response
I will, eventually. I'm extremely limited in who I pick by both funds and the fact that I refuse to see any therapist who interacts with psychiatry. I dunno, I just feel stuck.

[carrie_ann]

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

Oh, I have done -- it's just the lady I spoke to asked me why I didn't do more to stop him. So yeah, not ringing them again.

that's bang out of order, sorry to hear she said that to you.

[Sannah]

What is your therapist telling you that doesn't make sense?

[in.neverland]

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

I live in the United Kingdom and rape crisis centres in the major cities are connected to our national health service. It just works differently

I see. I don't think a crisis centre can do anything else. You can contact MIND and self refer yourself for counceling. It's not therapy but it might be helpful. If you are in the IAPT at the moment, you have the right to cancel your therapy, go to MIND and if you wish go back to IAPT. That is what happened to me and after seeing a few people I think I maybe finally found a good therapist. Also If the waiting list for mind is too long your IAPT can refer you for counceling at lower prises (10-15£ a session).
You can also go to the Mental health team in the closes hospital and discuss it with them, or consult yourself with yours or another doctor.

I think I understand how you feel. I can't say I know how you feel.

He frustrates me, mostly by telling me to think in ways that just don't make any sense. - Is he suppose to tell you how to think? I can't change the way I feel by changing the way I think. This would be like lying to myself or be delusional. It will mean that I go against myself. Telling myself I feel happy when I feel like **** only does more damage on me by making me feel guilty for trying to be happy not managing it.

Is PTSD therapy the same one as for C-PTSD?

Also mental illness do they think you have? To me it was explained that i don't have mental illness and that mental illness are the disorders like schizophrenia.

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by Sannah

What is your therapist telling you that doesn't make sense?

That I never have to have sex again unless I want to? Obviously it's untrue, rape does happen. I never wanted to have sex in the first place, yet it still happened. I told him I'd rather find a way to cope with the idea that rapes do happen, than just delude myself into thinking that they don't. He didn't get it.

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by in.neverland

You can contact MIND and self refer yourself for counceling. It's not therapy but it might be helpful.

Yep, I worked for MIND for years. It's a no; to use their services you have to have a GP involvement (at least in my area).

Originally Posted by in.neverland

You can also go to the Mental health team in the closes hospital and discuss it with them, or consult yourself with yours or another doctor.

Yep, I know that too. I'm extremely anti-psychiatry and I don't see doctors or other medical professionals for any reason . . . because . . .

Originally Posted by in.neverland

Also mental illness do they think you have? To me it was explained that i don't have mental illness and that mental illness are the disorders like schizophrenia.

I was diagnosed with schizophrenia about eight years ago now. I gave the psychiatrists the good old two-finger salute, and I refuse to have anything to do with them. Psychiatry was the other major trauma in my life; seeing anybody who is linked to them (or works in their system) is like seeing my rapist again.

But thank you for taking the time to respond. I know I'm grumpy and stubborn about this. I'm just so very stuck.

[nicoleflynn]

Any therapist (or anyone who understands what rape is about...control, anger) has no idea what the are talking about. I am beyond appalled that the "lady" asked why didn't you do more to stop him. RAINN is a rape crisis hotline; you can find it on-line; I have heard wonderful things about it.

[in.neverland]

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

That I never have to have sex again unless I want to? Obviously it's untrue, rape does happen. I never wanted to have sex in the first place, yet it still happened. I told him I'd rather find a way to cope with the idea that rapes do happen, than just delude myself into thinking that they don't. He didn't get it.

I'm sorry but that sound like a basic self preserving way of coping with life, a thing that I do but even If I didn't I can imagine why someone would prefer to not have expectations and be positively surprised by life, than to expect good and receive only bad news. That is one reason I have no dreams and hopes I think. He other one i my inability o do anything about them. Anyway if you have to work with that person it seems like it's gonna be difficult but not impossible. U just have to communicate well and come to a decision that you know is good for you. I'm sure if he doesn't understand something he can consult himself with his colleagues in order to find a proper treatment for u. If he doesn't I hope u find a way to help yourself.

I lost my virginity to my brother when I was 3 years old ... The assault was so violent that I can still see the scars under my bottom lip where he smashed my face into the bathroom sink and my teeth came through ...

My mother also sexually abused me from the time I was 3 until I turned 18 ... There were also other incidences of sexual abuse from members inside and outside my immediate family ...

Not to mention the physical, emotional and verbal abuses that went on right up until the time I finally escaped at 33.5 years of age ...

That's when thoughts and feelings of suicide finally became so overwhelming I actually tried to act on it ...

It's 19 years later and I am so glad that I didn't give those @#$%! my life ... If I'd have done that those SOB's would have won the whole @#$%! war ... !!!

I had many therapists who wouldn't touch me and my problems with a 10 foot pole ... Then I had others who were willing to stick it out and help me to help myself ... !!!

What I guess I'm saying is ... Please don't write off therapy or yourself yet ...

It took me 7 - 10 years before I felt like living again ... Another 3 - 5 to actually be glad I'm still here ...

I am so thankful that I didn't succeed with the other "solution" ...

Also ... If you kill yourself, there will be a hole in this Universe where you're supposed to be ... Nobody else can fill that and it would be a very, very sad thing indeed ...

Sincerely,
BrokenCloud

[Perna]

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

I keep getting told ways to look at the situation that are simply counterfactual.

But you already look at the situation counterfactual; you insiste on wanting your innocence back and you can't put the egg back in the shell, so to speak; you have to make breakfast with it or it goes to waste (which would be killing yourself).