My mind goes blank!!! - trigger alert!!!

I am wondering if anyone can enlighten me on a few things. From the ages of about 7 years old to about 10 years old I was sexually abused by my cousin. At least I think I was.....

My cousin was 14 to 16 years old during this time and would make me get into bed with him or get into bed with me and would touch me, make me touch him, or would rub against me until he ejaculated all on me. For some reason I don't ever remember telling him 'no' but do remember not wanting to participate, feeling scared, and being frightened by his ejaculation, because at that age I didn't know what it was.

If I didn't say 'no' is it still abuse? That is my first question. Secondly, I just don't know HOW he got me to comply with his wishes.....but somehow I obeyed. My mind goes completely BLANK when I try to remember what he said or did to get me to let him do these things! Is this normal???? Why can't I remember?????

I feel like because I can't remember things, maybe I'm just making it up? Maybe it's all in my head?? I'm afraid people will think I'm an imposter and just trying to get attention because. I haven't said anything to anyone for 25 years.

Yes, it can definitely be abuse if you didn't say no.

I also struggle with feeling like I am making things up & have a lot I am unable to remember. You're not alone.

(((((hairstory))))))

It is very normal to not remember all of what happened in events like this experienced at a young age. At 7 and 8 years old children don't know enough to say no and they don't really understand what sex really means either. Sometimes children get involved with this because they normally are prone to explore their bodies and sometimes when they discover something can feel good they may want to see if other children can feel this too. If you take away the fact that this is a sexual act as you know it now and just observe children at play interacting, you will see that when any child sees something different etc. they will naturally draw other children to whatever it happens to be. And also older children seem to know they can take advantage, that is in no way your fault either.

I had very similar experiences, and even at a surprisingly young age as well. And when I started recalling these memories with what I know now about sex and what it means, I was very disturbed and didn't know what to think about it. Like you, I had some memories and blank spaces too. But I do remember how much I didn't like it as well. And for me it was both my older siblings and I was very young and could not understand it.

In therapy I didn't really just go right my experiences. I talked about the topic first and how this can happen to children and what it means. My therapist talked to me about how many children normally find all of themselves, recognize that something feels good somehow and often wonder if other children also have this ability. Unfortunately many parents don't talk to children about this, warn them that this can happen and what it means. So often children can get exposed to this not understanding what it means but somehow knowing enough to hide it as well. And in your case that older child somehow knew you would not truely understand it as well.

It is very important for you to understand hairstory that you really didn't understand this at that age, not the way you understand it today. In that you have to make sure that you do not allow yourself to have guilt about it with what your knowledge is today. Yes, there is a very big challenge in addressing these memories and it is very important that you truely don't blame yourself and keep forcing yourself to wonder why you don't remember everything, because at that age probably all you wanted was it to be over with and you do remember that you didn't like it either. And also remember that children that age do not know how to tell a parent that this happened or is happening, they don't really know how to describe it and often are frightened that the parent will get really mad at them and blame them somehow.

It is important that you find a resolve to these memories and be very kind to yourself about these memories. I will tell you that this does happen to many and often these people just don't talk about it. I knew enough to talk to my young daughter about this and warn her about not letting other children touch her and try to show her their private parts. Because I did that she did know to say no and she was approached by other children who were curious or even were being touched by other children. And she came to me and told me and I was able to quietly tell the parent so they could stop it. And when I did, the parent had no idea what was taking place.

It is sad that so many parents don't talk about this with their children because it can happen and every child should understand what it means and that they CAN say no.

((((((Hugs)))))))
Open Eyes

It makes total sense that you didn't say anything to him. Kids are like that. He was twice your age and therefore, had more power. These activities would affect you a lot since you were scared and you didn't want to participate. He was using you for his own needs. He wasn't thinking about how this would affect you at all.