[WePow]

TRIG!

Amina Filali, Morocco Rape Victim, Commits Suicide After Forced Marriage To Rapist

Ok so I happened to see this today and it set me off big time emotionally.
I can't even START to articulate how angry this whole topic makes me!!!

When I was 16, a 25 yr old sociopath man raped me and trapped me in his world. I lost his child to miscarrage when I was 17. Then two months later I overdosed while at school and had my stomach pumped.

That SAME frickin night after I got out of the ER, my father stood in the driveway DEMANDING to know when I was going to get married !!!!
I was married 2 months later.

The idiot would not let me eat ANYTHING except generic frozen bread and tap water. He told me I could eat the dog food if I was "that" hungry.
I went from 118lbs to 82lbs in 5 months.

I was able to escape by going with a lady who had been molesting me starting at the age of 11. She was 12 yrs older than me. But I thought I loved her and she let me eat!

Anyway... bottom line is now I am feeling very very very suicidal so I thought I would just write out all this. I am so angry and want to cry but I can't do it. No idea why. I need to go take my medicine anyway for depression and anxiety and I can feel when that hits, so I know I will be ok. But what I WANT to do is take all the pills right now along with all my pain pills and all my sleeping pills I had not used. I can't begin to describe how desperately I want to do this !!!!

But I know for a FACT it is because I am triggered huge time.
I feel so so alone with all this. I told my T about it in an email, but I don't know what he could say to help me if he could say anything.
It just hurts very badly inside.

Why did my own family betray me!!!!! How was I not good enough for them!!!! When I did walk down the isle to marry my rapist, my father almost RAN me down the bloody isle at church !!!!! It was like he could not get rid of me fast enough !!!!!

I am sorry. I am just in very bad pain inside right now. I am safe. I know that. I am just in pain.

[Unrigged64072835]

WePow,

I don't know you very well and I didn't know your backstory until now. I'm really sorry that you had to go through this.

I don't know if I can say anything that can help you either, but I want you to know that you're very much loved and appreciated here. You're definitely good enough for us. Please stay safe and keep posting if it helps. Safe hugs if they're okay.

I really wish I had something better to say.

[purple_fins]

Sorry you are hurting and have been triggered. It's very understandable how this news would cause upset for you.

News like this triggers me too... ugh...

Here's what I do, maybe you could see if it helps you?......I try to tell self -- "that was then, this is new"... yea, not a typo-- this is "new" meaning - that did happen in old past, but it is a new time now and is not happening.

I'm so sorry that man abused you. I hate that he did all that to you! and like what happened to me-- we depended on parents to guide us to what was good.... I'm sorry they didn't do that for you either.

fins

[Open Eyes]

((((((WePow))))))

Oh, I can see how that would severely trigger you, yes, there is still much ignornance in the world sadly, but it did make a headline somewhere, so not as ignorant as it used to be.

Sweetheart, you absolutely must never even think of harming yourself, you certainly don't deserve that. You must be very kind to yourself right now, self sooth and remind yourself that yes, you did not deserve that and you certainly do not deserve to end your life, NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU GET TRIGGERED.

I am very sorry for your past, purple is right, the people you were supposed to trust failed you. However that was because of ignorance, now your not ignorant any more, you know how to be safe now, you know better, many know better now. Please never hurt yourself for something that was never your fault. You deserve to heal and be safe now.

((((((Many gentle hugs for you Wepow))))))
I am glad you vented here instead of holding things in or harming yourself.

Open Eyes

[bluemountains]

((((WePow))))

I am in tears now. I know parts of your story, but this part is new for me. Of course I only know you across the internet, but your strength is SO impressive to me. You have survived so much, and yet you are so compassionate with us when we need you.

As for the news of Amina's suicide, I too feel anger and helplessness for those who can find no way out. I believe the angrier we get the more we are able to help those who need us. If we start locally, perhaps someone will be helped who might not otherwise be able to see a solution.

Thanks WePow!

Bluemountains

[WePow]

(((((all)))) thank you all so much. Last night I had a massive flashback around all of this. I feel so exhausted right now. I emailed my T and he wrote back and is supporting me through that. He says I am a thriver now and not just a surviver.
But wow.. that hurt yesterday.

[nannypat]

I am so sorry you are going through this pain. I am glad T is being supportive.

[Sannah]

[likewater]

I couldnt be a T, how do they do it? How do they hear stories like that? My heart is broken for you. I don't know what to say or do. I'm so sorry. For the loss of the baby, for the rape, that your escape was back to the woman who molested you, that you thought that
was love, that your father delivered you into the mouth of hell. I hear you, Wepow. I guess that's all i have to give is i hear you, and my prayer is for you to be surrounded by angels and healing light. May you walk in beauty now, you have seen enough ugliness. Sending you gentle hugs if that's ok.

WePow, I just saw your post. I avoid this forum mostly because I find it so very difficult, but I just wanted to say how much I feel for you. I have appreciated your support SO much, and I hope you can see your own value more clearly and know how amazing you are! Please hold on to that when things seem horrible. THINGS that happened are horrible. YOU are amazing and wonderful.