Maybe I just shouldn't exist...

I'm getting pretty convinced that some people just aren't supposed to exist. By some people, I really just mean me. My childhood proves it...sometimes I think about what I know about the first few years of my life and just wonder how the hell I'm still alive.

Most people don't survive being thrown and landing on their heads at 3 months old. You would think that would make me feel lucky to be alive. It doesn't. I honestly wish I didn't survive. It just makes me feel totally alone. No one could possibly understand. Ever. I don't even know why I'm posting this, there's not even a point in whining about it.

i understand.

Because you were terribly abused from the very beginning you feel that you were unlovable? To feel that is understandable but it isn't the truth. You were abused because your parents had severe problems. It was about them. It wasn't about you. You suffered but they didn't abuse you because there was something wrong with you. They abused you because there was something wrong with them. You were just unlucky enough to "choose" the wrong parents.

Nobody can ever really understand how we feel about stuff. I try not to say "I understand" because I am not you, I have not lived through the things you have, so I can never truly understand. Some things I might be able to relate, but I'll never understand.

So while I don't understand, and can't even relate in this instance, I am glad you are alive.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I too have had similar thoughts in the past but not so much now that I'm trying to find my own meaning and purpose for being alive. If we only had value because of the people we happened to be born to, how very sad it would be.

You are a beautiful human being of equal value to any of us. You were created the same way as everyone else and are made of the same stardust as we are. Sadly, like a lot of people, you were born to people with serious issues who didn't value you probably because they didn't value themselves or life either.

While it's hard, there is another way. You can look around you now and make your own purpose for being here. You are so worthy and it's just up to you to embrace that worthiness no matter what your origins happened to be. I appreciate it's not easy and experiences like yours definitely can't be shrugged off, but it can get easier once you realise nothing you went through was your fault or a reflection of who you are.

(((((Nemo)))))) I am so sorry your feeling this way. I so get it.

Know what though, those that shouldn't exist must be the special ones, like you for instance, that helps people find there strengths, I heard you and I am glad you exist, you are one heck of a person. Caring consistently.

What can you do to feel more valued?

Just wonderin?

Hugs, Crew

I don't think there's anything else I really could do. I'm very involved in my karate school (I'm training to be an instructor, I'm on the demo team...), which has caused pretty much all of them to care about me, even if I don't always realize it, and alot of the younger kids to really look up to me. Several of the younger girls have even copied my hairstyle, for example...

I just find it impossible to accept that anyone could possibly value or care about me. Logically I know some people probably do. But its like I can't accept or really feel it. I convince myself they must not really know me, because no one would care about who I really am.

I feel like I'm not supposed to exist, but its also like I don't really exist as a normal person. I'm detached from everyone else somehow, by something. Sometimes I even divide reality into two separate worlds in my head: people who deserve to be cared about, and people who don't. As you may have guessed, I'm the only person in that second category. And there's no reason for it necessarily, it's just the way things are.

Please stop letting the mean thoughts win.
Would you say the things you say to yourself to one of those little girls in your Karate Class? I doubt it. So why are you saying them to you? To the one you can hurt the most and needs your care and love the most?
You are not in the second category. That is not the way things are.