[ChaoticSymphony]

He was doing ok after the disclosure, now he is manifesting all of it in a way that makes him at fault no matter what I say. He has been in counselling for 8 months now but just recently I really started seeing it get bad. He is only 7 so I am having a hard time knowing what to say to him. If a friends parent sends him home he attributes it to be about something bad that he has done. One kid pulled down his pants so he thought he did something wrong. He wanted to hug his friends so he thought he did something wrong. How do I help build his self-esteem and let him know it is never his fault but to stay clear of triggering situation....the pants part was in no way something to avoid, a little boy just did it. I am at my wits end right now. I have been working with his T and taking her suggestions but it isn't good enough, I can't stand to see him suffer in pain, embarrassment, anger. He comes home from school everyday saying he got hurt this way or that way and will point out his scratches. He tries to stay home from school every night. His T told me to try to change the subject but that isn't working...he comes home every single day. I can't just ignore it, it is his way of talking about pain. It seems so invalidating to just ignore it and change the subject. I also recognize that stress causes body pain. He has headaches way more than he used to. I just need advice please.

[likewater]

Im not a child pdychologist, but i have a teaching degree and i was abused. My advice is this. Keep routine as normal as you can. Make sure to tell him he is a , "good boy." And you love him. Serouisly , you cant tell these things too much. Be sure to tell those taking care of him that they can tell him these things as well. Also, still keep good boundaries for him. Ie rules. These will make him
feel safe. So dont spoil him silly ie let him walk all over you. I mean dont become strictest parent on the block either.

Also, whenever the subject comes up WHEN HE FEELS LIKE HE HAS DONE SOMETHING WRONG AND HE HASNT, DISCUSS IT!! EXPLAIN HE IS A GOOD BOY AND HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG. LOOK INTO HIS EYES. LET HIM KNOW HAW VERY, VERY IMPORTANT IT IS HE KNOWS THIS. :-) you are a good mom. Thank you for being a good mom. :-)

[Gr3tta]

I think it's wonderful you care for your son so much and are seeking advice on how to help him best. Just knowing you care will help him so much.
I think it's good to discuss these incidents that upset your son, but encourage a quick resolution. Going over it and over it will just encourage your son to obsess and worry over the incident more. You might just say something like: I'm sorry that boy was mean to you. Had you been mean to him? No? Then I guess he's just a silly boy. You did nothing wrong. ...Then just go about your normal routine with him. It's important for your son to know that things still go on in spite of what happened to him. And that it's okay for them to go on. The less his life changes as a result of the abuse, the easier it may be for your son to learn to put it in the past.
It's a slow process. Have patience with your son and with yourself as well.

[ChaoticSymphony]

Yes, we have been trying to keep things as normal as possible. He still gets in trouble for bad behaviours and gets commended for good. You know when you look at a person with a lot on their mind you can see it in his face? That is how I see him sometimes. All along we have established the counsellors office as a safe place to talk but the in betweens are getting worse and worse. I understand that he has talked more and more about it there so it will stir up feelings in him. He woke up last night from a nightmare about his abuser and after I calmed him down and reassured him that going to court is not something he has to do if he doesn't want to he told me that the abuse went on for 2 whole years. He said "two weeks" in kindergarten and grade 1. It's hard to stay present when you hear things like that. Sorry, just sort of journalling here at the moment as well as sharing. Thank you guys for the advice, it really helps seeing something in black and white vs freaking out at 3 in the morning. It is really hard to feel like you are doing the right thing by your child in this situation. He depends on me to help him thru this but I don't even think I am doing that right.

[geez]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel bad for you and your son. I too was abused for two years at the age of Kindergarten and 1st grade. It was CSA by a neighbor. I think it's awesome that you are available emotionally for your son. I grew up fearing my parents and there was no loving support, no hugs. I stuffed it down my entire life and now at age 40 I'm dealing with it. It seems really hard right now but have faith that because you both are dealing with it now it will be so helpful for his future.

Perhaps a different therapist or a different type of therapy might be the answer? FYI I'm not a mental health professional. Do what your gut is telling you and I wish you both peace of mind.

[shezbut]

I am so sorry that your son is going through such pain ~ The pain must feel unbearable to you at times like this. I have personal experience with abuse.

In Kindergarten, my teacher disliked me for some reason. She lifted my skirt and spanked me in front of the class for being late to school one day. She'd make mean remarks. I HATED her and I hated going to school. At a very young age, I got into the habit of faking sick, to avoid going to school. When I went to school, My tummy would be doing flip-flops and I was terrified. I felt completely alone! My parents would say, "It's okay. You'll be fine." But I wasn't. And I felt hurt that they didn't listen to what I was going through. I'd sit alone at school and cry...everyday. That's not normal! That's not healthy either.

While my misery wasn't all my parents, or the school's fault, they sure weren't helping me feel better.

I think that it's wonderful that you are acknowledging your son's emotions. Good job!! I also think it's great that you're staying on top of his T, to see how you can help your son get through this pain more easily. Wonderful!! I really mean it. With things becoming worse at school and home, I might consider getting a different T. See them more often if possible.

It's hard for me to come up with ideas for you to try ~ I can just feel that misery. My heart is with your son.

Shez

[mortimer]

There isn't anything you can do right now except support him, love him, and repeat over and over again you love him and it's not his fault.

It's going to be so hard, there's going to be good and bad days and weeks, but I think that healing is possible, especially with a mother who loves him so much.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ChaoticSymphony

I can't stand to see him suffer in pain, embarrassment, anger.

I hope that he isn't picking up on this because it could cause him issues over his feelings? Does this go beyond normal parental pain? Do you have issues with these feelings yourself?

Is he being bullied at school?

[ChaoticSymphony]

No he doesn't pick it up from me...those are just the emotions I remember feeling before I went numb. He acted out on his brother and I didn't overreact or under-react I just told him he broke the rules and this is a secret free home. I also made a sooner appt for the counselor so she can help with this. I am under so much stress lately with my sister becoming psychotic with her mental illness. So I don't know if it was because I was leaving the house more or spending more time on the phone and internet?? I don't know if this is something sexual or normal curiosity but in light of the past disclosure I have to take it seriously. I don't remember ever wanting to act out on other kids or being curious about their bodies. I know I shouldn't relate the two it is just extremely difficult to feel like I am doing the right thing for him.

[ChaoticSymphony]

His counselor told me I was a great mom and doing the right things but I feel like she is just trying to make me feel better vs being helpful...everyone I ask says I am doing good but how do you feel like you are doing a good job when you went a whole year not knowing your kids were being molested?

[Sannah]

You are being a good mom. Some kids do act out with other kids. Abuse survivors can have a hard time seeing abuse in their kids sometimes. You didn't do it on purpose. You have been doing the best that you can I'm sure. You are doing a good job for your son trying to get him better.