[AbeIsAbe]

I'm thinking of confronting my abuser. But the idea scares me because my abuser is in my close family. My brother, 4 years older than me, sexually abused me when I was little. When I was 6 and he was 10, it started. I won't go into details but it has left me fearing most men and with a diagnosis from my psychiatrist with PTSD. I fear that by confronting him, it could ruin our family. All my life, I have had to toptoe around him as to not set him off. He also physically abused me after our father left (our father would physically abuse him). His anger and meanness towards me continues. (I believe he is mad that our father did not abuse me)... anyway... my whole point of this post is to ask if A, anyone has confronted their family-member abuser.... and B, how did it change things?

[roses4me]

family members who have lived in ignorance, have had the peace of not knowing
I would say it is your turn to have peace now
if learning of the abuse makes them unonfortable... they can work through uncomfortable

I confronted and everyone pretty much knows who did what. We all shared info and experiences. Only the abusers are still in denial

the interesting thing is how the adults who had married into the family were so ticked off and angry to learn what their spouse had endured

[jenkins09]

My brother abused me as a child and I remained silent for years. I am convinced that my mother knew of the abuse and did nothing.

I confronted my brother at a family barbecue about 4 years ago. It wasnt by choice, he put his hands on me in anger and it triggered me back to the days of the abuse. I lost it and we began to fight and I disclosed everything he did to me right then and there.

His wife was present and looked horrified as did his kids. I am glad that it happened because I believe that he has abused his son. I can see myself in him when I was that age.

My family pretty much ignored me for about 3 years after that. Its sad but most survivors of abuse are treated like the black sheep of the family.

If you feel that it will give you closure then I say do it. You will feel empowered and I felt like 100 pounds had been taken from my chest.

[Crew]

I haven't. yet something that did help me decide was that I wrote a letter to the people who hurt me and it did help after the 3rd letter. I never sent it cause they never respected me... good luck with what ever you decide... Crew

[Ardmore]

I have many times but it doesn't leave me anywhere, they both ruined my childhood, when I did bring it up one laugh and the other denied it

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by AbeIsAbe

I'm thinking of confronting my abuser. But the idea scares me because my abuser is in my close family. My brother, 4 years older than me, sexually abused me when I was little. When I was 6 and he was 10, it started. I won't go into details but it has left me fearing most men and with a diagnosis from my psychiatrist with PTSD. I fear that by confronting him, it could ruin our family. All my life, I have had to toptoe around him as to not set him off. He also physically abused me after our father left (our father would physically abuse him). His anger and meanness towards me continues. (I believe he is mad that our father did not abuse me)... anyway... my whole point of this post is to ask if A, anyone has confronted their family-member abuser.... and B, how did it change things?

OK, STOP RIGHT NOW, AND LISTEN.

I can hear what everyone here is saying. And I DO UNDERSTAND you have a right to FEEL BETRAYED OR EVEN CONFUSED OR EVEN ANGRY OR EVEN AFRAID and YES YOU DO REMEMBER and YES YOU HAVE FEELINGS OF DEPRESSION, CAUSED BY ALL THESE FEELINGS AND ALSO BEING OPPRESSED BY THE ABUSE AND EVEN WHAT YOU ARE HAVING TO FACE NOW.

But none of you are seeing what is really at the root.

ACKNOWLEGEMENT: This is when you begin to realize that someone harmed you and you are begining to see it.

CONFUSED: This is when you now see it but you don't understand it.
And you don't understand why it happened and why it happened to you.

EMOTIONS: This is what your brain expresses when the two things above take place. This is your brains normal reaction to a bad situation.

FEAR: Once you have recognized that something bad or uncomfortable has taken place, this emotion presents itself. This emotion can be present also during the abuse. This emotion is always expressed to warn you that something is wrong during and after the abuse and even in the acknowledgement stage and even in the recovery of the BRAIN INJURY that has occurred and is still present.

GUILT: This is the emotion that your brain feels whenever you have been in a situation that you did not control or was unable to control and you were a victim. What this means is that your brain has not been able to find a way to address the abuse, during and after and even in the stage of ACKNOWLEGEMENT. Whenever this emotion is present and now resolve has taken place then this is when we start to BLAME.

BLAME: This is another emotion that comes out that the brain needs to know so it can come up with a solution to a problem. In other words, something is broken, why, what happened how do we fix it. It is how our brains problem solve and that comes from the beginning of man. It is a necessary element needed for survival. It is a method of adaptation, cold, seek warmth, wet, seek shelter, hungry, seek food, pain, seek rest,recovery, enemy or threat, seek defense.

ANGER: This is an emotion that we have that tells us that something wrong had happened. Something we could not fix or something that we had to experience that we could not see any reason for. Or, that someone is trying to take control in a way that is not good for us. This emotion is there to signal our body and brain into a state of adrenelyn that causes a strong action, either for protection or the physical exertion needed to get trough and obstacle in our path.

Now, it is important to understand that this emotion is not a reasoning emotion. This emotion is an emotion that is necessary to acknowlege something that is a threat or an obstacle. It is also there so that we are signaled that we have to get to a point of reason and resolve. It is an emotion that tells us that we are in danger and we will need to act or do something to survive or even protect.

However, we cannot just act or do in anger alone. Because if we do, than the problem is made worse or we are acting only on an emotion and we cannot do that, we must have reason first. We seem to misunderstand this.

REMORSE: This is our brain grieving for a loss or for something not achieved or something that is wrong or even a mistake. This emotion is there for many reasons. It is there to tell us that Anger may have been present and something happened that was a mistake. Or something is gone and there is a loss because of it. This emotion is necessary for survival also because we need to know that we cannot harm others as others are needed to reproduce and even nurture. It is necessary for the mother in not only us but in many animals to have to remind them of the off spring that needs to be nurtured. We are studing it now and can see it on different levels in animals.

OPPRESSION: This is another emotion that tells us that we are confined.
We are confined due to certain elements that we need to recognise are present and potentially dangerous. We do know that this emotion can be caused by a power that we cannot control. Or just that we need to examine and reason so that we can move toward survival. We also know that this emotion can cause a sense of powerlessness in another. This is there so that we can survive by overpowering a possible food source. This is also a necessary element in the natural process of survival of the fittest that is required to maintain a strong survival rate among not only us but even animals on many levels.

SADDNESS: This is an emotion that takes place as a result of GRIEF, OR OPPRESSION that means that we feel the result of a loss and we are confused and we cannot seem to REASON. But it is also there to bring us to REASON. However, if we are experiencing OPPRESSION, we do feel sad. It is a necessary emotion that is there to remind us that we need to strive towards REASON.

I have more, business calling but think about this first.

[Can't Stop Crying]

I confronted with unpleasant results. If you decide to confront your brother, be prepared for all sorts of responses and may sure you have a support network in place for the aftermath. Even if confronting your brother brings a receptive response - a world of emotions could be potentially stirred up.

[Roseway]

My grandfather started sexually abusing me before I even started to school. When I was about 14 he tried to put his hands on me one day and I went shell on him. I told him that what he had been doing to me was wrong and that if he ever so much as looked my way again I was going to call the police and have him arrested. I also told him if he looked side ways at any of my other cousins that I was going to tell. He left me alone from that day forth, but I still had issues for many years to deal with.
One thing about it, I was a child. I did not do anything wrong. I am a survivor. For too long incest has been hidden away like a dirty little secret, thank God that women are speaking out more these days. What stays in the dark can stay hidden, but when it is brought to the light then it can no longer be ignored.
I recently gave my testimony to a group of women. It was so sad. I would guess that at least half of the ladies there had encountered some type of sexual abuse in their past. They sat with their heads down and could not look at me as I spoke. Shame, no, I feel no shame any more just grateful for all the healing that has taken place in my life.

[insightunseen]

you are brave to be asking this question. confronting is a huge decision, entirely yours, and it scares most people to even think about it. so give yourself a big pat on the back for valuing yourself enough to take courage and ask the question.

confronting in some form (like letter without sending) has been shown to help recovery. it is a way of saying "i am not the one who is to blame or shamed." it states the truth so our self image can be healed. we feel empowered, not victims. we start to live more in the truth of the here and now. we say we are WORTH the truth, and deserve the same basic human rights to safety others have.

that said, as others have shared, it is a painful and often disruptive experience. 90% of sex abusers for example deny, even when faced with DNA evidence. people who will abuse will also lie. are we surprised?

so confronting imho must be heavily buffered by therapy work and social support and planning for every possibility. then you may decide to confront in person or another way, or you may decide to share only with trusted people, or give your testimony or write it down. narrative therapy is excellent for telling your truth and feeling cleansed. i wrote a book at my T's suggestion and it is 20 chapters of raw, gripping truth that flowed out of me like a cleansing river!

you are asking the right questions and being proactive! best to you!

[pgrundy]

Confrontation doesn't usually go the way you hope. Before you do anything, if I were you, I'd spend a good long time going over it in therapy. Figure out why you want to confront, what you hope to get, how you think that will help you, how you will feel if you don't get it, and so forth.

My one experience with confrontation went like this:

My family member said I deserved it because I'm a crazy ***** and the whole family rushed to protect HIM and to tell me to figure out how to get along with him. I no longer see any of them.

So, you know, think it through and be prepared for the worst. You don't have to do it you know. Sometimes it feels like it has to happen but often that's the worst time to forge ahead.

Best of luck to you.

[matisse]

I confronted my brother via a letter a few years ago. I also told the rest of my family what happened. It started when I was about 8 years old and lasted until I was about 16 years old. The biggest and most unnoticed symptom of abuse was bed wetting starting at a young age and lasting well into my adult years preconfrontation. My mother took me to doctors/specialists to "fix" my bed wetting, I had so many tests ran and blood drawn and prescriptions but nothing worked and every doctor told my mom that I was "normal". No one could figure out why...

As an adult I started to see a therapist, several in fact. My parents were confused as to why I was seeing a therapist until my therapist thought it would be a good idea to bring them to a session and tell them what happened. Their reaction: mother-cried, father-claimed he knew it. After this they didn't treat him any differently and kinda swept it under the rug.

Then I saw a therapist who suggested I confront my abuser and, of course, that terrified me because I knew what he was capable of. He also sexually abused my cousin and my best friend and at one point held my best friend on the ground, put a nail to her forehead and drew back a hammer as if he was going to pound a nail in her forehead. Terrified doesn't seem to cover what I was feeling at the prospect of confronting this monster.

Fast forward to my early 30's. I followed the therapists advice but instead of confronting him face to face, I felt safer writing him a letter. To feel a little more comfortable I told him in that letter that if he tried to contact me or my family I would call the police. After I wrote the letter I set boundaries with my family. I told them that from this point on I would no longer participate in family events that he was invited to.

Confrontation has produced both negative and positive results. The positive is that I no longer wet the bed or have nightmares. The negative is the constant struggle with my family. My father has since passed away and my mother continues to invite him to all the family events, but she also invites me and my kids too. This is her way of being impartial to either one of us. I understand that this is difficult for her to accept, but it's also unfair to ask me to socialize in a family environment with my monstrously abusive brother. I've made so much progress since confrontation that if I had to be in a family event with him I fear I would regress back to bed wetting and nightmares. I understand that my decision is kind of asking my mother to choose between us or take sides, but I don't think it's fair for her to ask me to endure that pain everytime we have a family function.

Since confrontation over the last few years I've had some very lonely holidays...Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter... I have my own children, and I am blessed for that, but it's still not the same to not be able to see your mom and sister, and the good brother on those holidays. I feel very alienated even though it was my choice and I live with it everyday.

So, confrontation has it's good points and it's bad points. You will have to carefully weigh in your mind what will be good for you and maybe look at it from a healing perspective. I have healed a lot, but the pain never totally goes away and for me, it created a new set of issues and pain, pain of loneliness.

Good luck with whatever you choose.