[northgirl]

"I have been trying to live in denial of the past. Eventually, once things begin to pile up on each other, you're just waiting to see what happens next and how you'll deal with it. But really, telling myself that maybe everything wasn't so bad, am I really just making them even worse than they were? By pushing them away, it is really my way of acknowledging how I can't deal with them because they were that bad? See now, there's this part of me, now that I have had a semi-normal life since I started college, that's made those things so much bigger. It's almost like wow, how'd you do that? I can't believe you got through that.
So you knew how bad things were at the time, but eventually you get desensitized to them? hmmm.

The thing that sucks the most is that it's awful, but part of me would rather be constantly dealing with hard things. It's how it's always been. Because once you get a break, you have that time to actually enjoy life, when you get hit again it's 10x worse sometimes. You wish you'd never felt the highs because the lows seem that much lower. I hope I will understand this better one day soon."

It occurred to me recently to wonder if I am struggling with minor PTSD issues and if that may be underlying my depression? Thinking out loud.

[Sannah]

I agree with everything that you wrote.

[Crew]

Hey northgirl,

First of all being in denial is NOT a bad thing especially when your dealing with a lot of past memories, in my opinion.
I'm not sure who you are referring to as, " By pushing them away, it is really my way of acknowledging how I can't deal with them because they were that bad?"
I don't know you at all yet I feel that if you have been hurt in any sort of way does not make YOU Bad and as for possibly having PTSD. Again, in my opinion, I think anyone that has been fearfully afraid or anyone hurt in a minor way or major most likely will have PTSD in some sort of way.
Your doing great at talking it out. I hope to learn more if you want to continue to share.
and to PC!

I know it's not easy yet TRY to not be so hard on yourself. Again imo, being in denial help's me handle little bits of trauma at a time.
to you and what a great start at writing.
to you and again give yourself a break.
Later, Crew

[notablackbarbie]

Originally Posted by northgirl

The thing that sucks the most is that it's awful, but part of me would rather be constantly dealing with hard things. It's how it's always been. Because once you get a break, you have that time to actually enjoy life, when you get hit again it's 10x worse sometimes. You wish you'd never felt the highs because the lows seem that much lower. I hope I will understand this better one day soon.

Ditto.

I am sorry and i wish i had something more constructive to say...

I also feel this way and hate that the lows/other shoe drops/everything falls apart again hurt so damn hard....