[Stanley_19802]

Hello All,

It's difficult to find words for all this. I have VERY detailed memories of spacific times of my life when abuse happened. I don't even know how to explain it. It's almost like I can go back in time and can see and feel what I was feeling at that particular time. Most of this is during the time of November 20th 1990 to March 7th 2002. Much of the abuse happened during these years.

I was abused/neglected at home by my parents, by other family, staff and students at school and the worst abuse was done in the children's psychiatric hospitals my mom punished me with. My mom when she was mad at me she would call the hospital and lie saying I was suicidal and had tried to kill myself and they would come take me no questions asked. The psych ward abuse caused PTSD.

The thing is, I wonder if I have PTSD from the other abuse too. Though the other abuse besides the hospitals wasn't as severe. Like in the psych ward a staff member caused a severe spinal injury where I was paralized for nearly a day. The staff just assumed I was refusing to move and would drag me. The hospital abuse I have the most detailed flashbacks of. But the other abuse at home and school I have almost as detailed memories of. I am literally haunted by my past.

I have examples that go on for several pages, and I am pretty sure so many others here can do the same. I am seeing a PTSD specialist, but I feel like I am walking through thick mud to make progress. It's just so slow. What also makes it difficult is the therapist says "It's all in the past, it can't happen again". She's so wrong, it can and has. Maybe not exactly the same, but it happens still.

Last March the PTSD was out of control. I was admitted for being suicidal. However the whole admit process I was lead to believe it was voluntary and that I could leave when I wanted. However when I sit down to fill out the forms the lady tells me "You know your being held here on a 5150 involuntary hold right?". NO, I DIDN'T KNOW!!

So right away I flash back to my childhood when I was 16. A ambulance would take me to the psych ward strapped down most times and I would sit down to be given all the hold paperwork having no clue why I am there other than my mom had me admitted. The nurse asking "Do you know why your being held here?". Of course not, what did my mom say I did this time?

Then I flash back to reality where the nurse tells me "Normally when people who are suicidal are admitted here they spend the next 24 hours in solitary". My heart began pounding so hard. My body tensing up waiting for 3 or so staff some slam through the door to grab for my arms to drag me to solitary like they did when I was a child. I was so sure I was going to have a heart attack right there.

The hospitals I was in when I was 16 was solitary room crazy. The reason I am terrified of the dark is because of one night in one. I had just been admitted and accidently hung up the pay phone a little harder than I intended to. As I walked back to my room the staff said I needed to go to solitary (or Time Out as they called it) and calm down. I just wanted to lay down in my bed and calm myself. 2 minutes later 3 staff come in and drag me to the solitary room and lock me in.

It was 7:30pm at night and I asked for them to turn the room light on. They refused. I cried and begged for them to put the light on. They didn't. The room was so dark. And it got darker once they turned the ward lights down at 8:00pm. The only light in the room was in the back left hand corner of the room near a window covered by a thick wire grate. The moon light was shining down between the two buildings, shining off the white wall across the way and coming into the room about a foot or two. So in that spot I sat.

The room was so cold too. Had to be low 60's. All I had on was sox, a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. No blankets or anything. To keep warm I had to sit on the corner of the room and pulled my knees up to my chest and pulled my shirt down over my legs and pulled my arms in. I sat just like that till 8:30am the following morning when I was let out. I have been terrified of the dark since that night and any small rooms.

So flashing back to reality once again, the charge nurse that night said that since I had abuse involving solitary rooms, I would be placed in a room with a staff member sitting by my door all night. Then began the pain as the doctor decided to screw around with my pain medications. To manage to spinal pain that happened in the hospital in 1996 I am on 2 5/500 vicodin, a 10mg methadone (Similar to morphine), a 10mg baclofen, and a 10mg flexiril muscle relaxer all taken together. This doctor feels it has to be the pain meds causing the depression so he only gives me one of the vicodin, the baclofen and the flexiril. About 30% of the pain meds needed to keep the pain under control.

The back pain directly triggers flashbacks of the abuse. So I tell the darn doctor the lack of proper pain medication is causing severe pain. He says each of the 4 days he's going to restore the proper dose, but it never happens. So I spent 4 days in severe pain due to this dude. So the morning my 72 hour hold is over I left AMA. But not before this doctor of mine tells me "You know, I CAN have you held here for another 14 days!". That doc it seemed like he was trying to set me off. I don't know what his problem was.

So when he finally released me, I had to come up with $100.00 gas to get home because my county doesn't have a psych ward of their own, so I was driven almost 200 miles south to be hospitalized in Sacramento County. Because he released me AMA instead of just releasing me, I was refused transport home by my home county's mental health. Not to mention they said "Oh, we need 48 hours notice to come get someone". No way I was staying in that place another two days. I would rather pay the $100.00 to get home.

So I tell my therpist she's wrong, that stays in the psych ward can and do still happen. The only real difference is it's not my mom having me admitted anymore. Now it's the ER or my therapist doing it. I was more pissed off that I was misled, making it seem like I was voluntary and leave me to find out otherwise later.

Anyway, where I am at today is for some reason intense memories of my past have been coming up. I am so tired of running from memories of my past. I used to fear death, but these days, I have zero fear of dying and going back to Heaven. All my friends who are more like family are in spirit. I miss them so much. And it coming up on a year since I lost Sandra, the last of the three. July 7th 2011 she died after surgery. Couldn't stop the bleeding. Being a medium and all, I do get to still talk to her, but it's not the same. I want to be able to hug her again. To hug all my friends.

All this has been fueling the urge to die. To get peace. And to go home. I wanted to die the day I got here. Just so sick of the pain. Sick of being haunted by the things done to me. And tired of knowng that any day I can be back in the hospital once again. So yea, a lot of tough emotions going on. Thanks for listening everyone. **hugs**

-Stanley

[MyFathersGirl]

I think what your therapist was telling you is that the flashbacks can't harm you not that stays in psych wards don't happen anymore. I know that they do mentally but they can't physcally harm you.

You have been through a lot so it's no wonder you suffer with PTSD. Killing yourself is not the answer though. God will be with you through all of this and see you through. Remember Footprints. He can carry you as you deal with these issues and get well. He obviously has more for you to do because you are still alive. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[Stanley_19802]

Hello MyFathersGirl,

Thanks. And yea, it's possible my therapist meant that since I am now a adult the things that happened in my past can't happen exactly like that today. And that's true, my mom can't have me admitted no questions asked anymore. Not to say she didn't try.

As for the flashback, it's true they don't physically hurt me, but the nightmares do. I have woken up many times hurting exactly where I was hurt in the nightmares. I have woken up with pulled muscles, bruises and even cuts. Messes with your head wondering how a nightmare can manifest physical injuries. But it happens to me all the time.

With suicide, your right, my friends Pam, DJ and Sandra who are now in spirit. gave me a message about me trying to take my life back. They were refering to a overdose on March 7th 2011. I had pills in my hand but was fighting for control of my arm to put the pills in my mouth. It was like there was someone with holding my wrist pulling it away from me. I managed to only get 6 vicodin before being taken to the hospital. Anyway, the message from them was:

They (in unison) want you to know why they had to leave/die. It was because their Soul Contract with you (and others in physical form) had been fulfilled. For you, they were meant to let you know what family feels like...what unconditional love feels like (as you mentioned). It sounds cruel that they should leave you after providing that, but it was for the purpose of allowing you to summon that same feeling within yourself. As they put it, "We gave you all the tools you need, now it is time for you to use them". They also want you to know they will be there every step of the way and have been since their crossing over. They want you to know that if you try to exit early, they will use all of their influence over you and others to prevent that from happening. They say you are more evolved and stronger than you can imagine. Others in Spirit whom I've channeled have said this same thing to their "listeners" and they say this to you as well....that if you could see in yourself what they see, you'd be in awe. Your highest purpose from their exit forward is to self nurture...to find love of self. They say you are so giving when you put your mind to it. They say they have nothing further to say except "We love you!".

So both Pam, DJ and Sandra, as well as my other Guardian Angels have been responcible all these years for my attepts to take my life for them to fail in some weird way. Either the attempt doesn't work, people are put in my way, or I am found before I could die. But always stopped. Which in one way I am happy for as if I had died I never would have met my current girlfriend. But at the same time I was angry because I really want to leave and have some peace. But apparently there is more for me to do before I can go home to Heaven.

Even when I was hospitalized back in March, there were 4 people in the hospital I ended up helping. I always end up where someone needs help. My guardian angels told me that yea I needed help thus was hospitalized, but it was arranged for me to go to that particular hospital to be able to help those there. So I know I still have work to do. But that doesn't make the pain any less.

The one comfort I do have is knowing this is my last lifetime. So when I am done here all my future "life work" will be in spirit. Maybe being someone's Guardian Angel or something. My last lifetime I died in 1968 of disentary and malaria in a Vietnam prison. Which is what I think influenced the PTSD. That the psych ward mirrored a prison in many ways. Just a guess anyway.

And my guides do make sure I have what I need to be alright. They don't make me rich or anything like that, but when I need money, it suddenly comes in when it's needed. When I needed a car, the mans for a new car came my way. They make sure I have what I need while I am here. And for that I am greatful. But there have been many nights in tears begging them to let me come home. Though not so many nights these days. However the depression and urge to die persists. Sucks. Thanks for taking time to reply with your thoughts and encouragement. Means a lot. **hugs**

-Stanley

[lostinpdx]

I don't have alot of time to write all I'd like to say, but I just wanted you to know that in the past I've read alot of what you've written about your life and I think about you from time to time & wanted to stop in to see if you were still posting. I just wanted to tell you that I'm so sorry for all you've been through, it is so unfair and nobody deserves to be treated that way. I remember staying up late one night a few months ago reading your whole story and just bawling my eyes out for all the pain you've endured. You are resilient and stronger than most people will ever dream to be. I am so glad to see you are still around & posting about your life experiences.

I believe you have a purpose in this life, so many other people could be helped from your story and attention could be brought to the tragedy of abuse in the system, and child abuse in general. It's so sad that people could be treated in such ways by people who are supposed to be there to help them. The people who hurt you should be ashamed, and they will one day get to know very intimately the pain they caused you..whether in this life or the next they will feel how they have affected you. I think you're blessed to have your guides looking out for you, it shows that you do have a purpose.

I think I remember someone awhile back mentioned that you should write a book. I think that could be your purpose, your way to help people by exposing the evil in this world. It would be healing for you as well as for others. You have a knack for story telling in vivid detail. I read your longest posts and couldn't take my eyes off them until I read every word. I felt like I was there, feeling your pain. Please don't give up on your time here on this earth, you do have a purpose & you are worthy of this life. I hope you maybe consider one day documenting your experiences in a book, You can help people while you help yourself at the same time. I know I would read it.

Hope that things get better and better for you, you sound like a very strong person & that is so admirable & inspiring!

Take care!