[suzzie]

you are too ugly, too unlikeable. and have no value at all. when its all people have told you from the start. and never stopped saying. its there everyday to showing its truth. always present. always strong. i want to not believe it. but its everywhere i my life. slowly suffocating me.

[roads]

(((((((suzzie)))))))
The idea that you're "too ugly, too unlikeable, and have no value at all" isn't quite everywhere in your life, is it, suzzie?

Is it here, at PsychCentral? On Thread Wars thread?
We know you here as a dear, caring, kind woman with
a love of animals and others.

I'm truly sorry, suzzie, if the people in your
Real Life are too emotionally short-sighted to see that.
Their loss ... your pain.

Imbalance.

Roadie

[suzzie]

thank you (((((((roadie)))))))

i should have deleted it. sorry.

[StrawberryFieldsss]

I feel like I have come a long way but I still after all these years sometimes feel the same way that you do suzzie. Its like this *thing* is embedded in my mind and I just cant get rid of it.

I always try really hard to replace it with a different idea of who I am or if I cant do that I focus my attention elsewhere. I am a perpetual student, so I try to focus on learning something new. I will read a book that is of interest to me (right now its The Antiques Roadshow Primer)

For me, the less I focus on the negative thoughts the less power they have. And I try to remember that many many many people have the exact struggles that I do. I do whatever I can not to give those thoughts power over my actions. Sometimes it feels like denial, but then it works so okay!!

Anyway, hugs to you. I'm so sorry for the pain youre going through right now. I hope you receive an overflow of support.

[Sannah]

You live with an abusive person? Yes, this would be suffocating. Getting into a healthy environment is really helpful in order to heal. Is this a possibility?

[suzzie]

maybe. but not right now.
what do you mean by healthy environment.

[unaluna]

healthy environment means one where people build you up, not tear you down. or at least there is no one around who is tearing you down. because it can get to where you don't even realize people are being negative. I didn't. at least you realize it - that is good. I don't know what I was thinking all those years! how could I not see it?? anyway, maybe you can show them - I assume it's your family? - some of dr Phil's books and suggest you all try to support each other.

[ScaryFrita]

I grew up hearing similar things. Maybe not ugly, but ... fat, lying, cheating, psychotic, the list went on.

And on.

It's only now (when I"m 30) that I'm just starting to believe that I'm better than that. I'm feeling like these things were said for selfish reasons, but not because they were true. People do amazingly cold hearted things to make themselves feel like they are in control of other people. I strongly believe the only reason I'm able to fight these feelings now is because of the safe and caring environment that I've made for myself -- which includes my husband. Out of all life decisions I've ever made, at least there is one that I know was the right one.

Sometimes it's getting out of the toxic environment that will make all of the difference. Even a stone can break -- I know there are pieces of me I'll never get back, so all I can do is heal what's left and start building again.

[suzzie]

my environment is not good. but im used to it. and there is nothing else. i dont think a healthy one is possible. not if it means having people that build you up. wont happen. never has.

[Sannah]

As you continue your journey of healing you can work towards this.