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#1
Jun 24, 2012, 12:26 PM
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What makes abuse? Maybe a technical term I'm looking for but IDK... A previous post started me thinking this about my ex, he was rather mean and controlling. He used his behavior to get me to do things that I didn't want.
But I never considered it abuse just a bad boyfriend. The same thing goes for many people in my past. Many many people I just considered bad people. Sure they did bad things to me but what exactly constitutes abuse? There are so many people, some hurt me pretty deep but I never looked at those as abuse. I only looked at the people who physically hit me repeatedly or those who touched me innappropriately or those who were really harsh speaking with me as abusive. Not the controlling or manipulative ones. What is wrong with people?
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you. 
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#2
Jun 24, 2012, 01:27 PM
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People who abuse others are self centered and are only thinking about what they want and they don't think about their victims at all.
What is wrong with these people? I think that they have been abused themselves and they are just trying to meet their needs but definitely in the wrong way. (Not all who are abused become abusive, though).
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#3
Jun 25, 2012, 04:52 AM
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Abuse can be emotional and mental as well as physical.
My ex husband was both of the above (not physical). He used to call me names, like stupid, insane, idiot, etc. He would "infer" that I knew nothing, and say things like "don't you EVER think?" Why don't you use your head once in awhile? How can you be so dumb? I also had to account for VERY SINGLE PENNY I spent. He wanted to know where it was spent, and why. If I went somewhere, he would check up on me. I couldn't even go to my parents house without him calling to make sure I was there. (I had NEVER cheated on him or given him REASON to think I would). He never helped with anything, Once he got home from work, that was it. He never helped with the children, and once they were old enough, THEY did all the chores, outside as well as in. If I helped them, it was grounds for a horrible fight. I helped them anyway. I was afraid of him. He had a horrible temper, and he hit me once. I stayed with him for 26 years, and finally divorced the creep not caring if he killed me or not. What he did was abusive. If you are now dealing with, or have dealt with anything like the above, you are being or were abused. Get some help. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee |
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#4
Jun 25, 2012, 05:32 AM
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I lived with a verbal and physical abuser. Verbal abuse is just more than hateful words; if you read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans you will understand. You can also google verbal abuse.
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#5
Jun 25, 2012, 08:57 AM
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The definition of abuse also includes "to misuse," "to use inappropriately," and can also mean, "a corrupt or improper practice."
To my mind, this includes such things as coercion and manipulation. In a healthy relationship, both parties should be able to talk about what they want or need openly. They shouldn't be using manipulation in order to ignore their partner's wishes and gain their own desires. It can be difficult to draw the line. I understand your confusion. Here is an awesome list of behaviors that can be abusive. Some of them might surprise you. Abusive Behavior Checklist Evaluate the Abuse Level in Your Past or Present Relationship Abusive behavior in relationships is a common problem. This checklist helps you evaluate the abuse level in your past or present relationship. If you are concerned about the abuse level you are experiencing, please call your county’s domestic violence agency. Abusive Behavior Checklist Emotional Abuse
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#6
Jun 25, 2012, 09:09 AM
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Many triggers********* thank you for all the replies and leed, my ex husband was very similar to yours. He would check up on me, even when i was at school. When he was deployed, i wasnt allowed to work, on top of that he would only send me $200 a month for food and gas. He made me keep every receipt and email him every single thing i purchased and it had to add up or I wouldnt get that 200. When he was home and i was able to work, it didnt last long because he would call me 30 times in one shift. If i didnt answer i would have 30 voicemail messages about "stupid bi*ch" a land threats being called worthless, and in the end he would go up to my work screaming and cussing if i didnt answer. He was also physically abusive and that was bad. He made me drop out of college because it was cutting into my cooking and cleaning time. He would make me do things sexually and would put his hands aroung my throat and squeeze at the end
i cant tell you how many times he did that during fights and would always say since we were away from my family and i wasnt allowed to have friends, he could kill me, knew where to bury me and no one would ever know. I eventually was able to leave him and so thankful that i did. The other abuse i was thinking about is like my aunt. We grew up together she was only one year older but when i didnt do what she wanted she would punch me, she would try to ruin my relationships or friendships, even out of jealousy she would be mean. When with friends she would always pick on me kind of. Laughing about my mental disorders laughing about and telling them about my past abusers, she would do anything to make me feel bad. Another ex of mine would not just cheat but would find a way to turn everything around, make me feel worthless and would use that to get sexual favors. I would cry while doing it, which would only make for a good story to tell. He was 19 i was 15. Then the one that really confuses me as he never physically really touched me, i dont think. he was 22, i was 14. I looked up to him as kind of a mentor. He knew just what to do to make me feel special. I always rode in the front seat, he would talk about how mature i was, would only let me in the room during hid drug deals (but i never did the drugs) he said he had been with 99 girls and wanted me to be 100. I didnt see him that way and one day when he kissed me and i didnt let it go further he punched and broke one of the globes on the ceiling fan and was crushing the glass with his bare feet talking about how sexually frustrated he was. I blacked out a couple nights i was with him. Then i find out after i moved that at his parties he would joke about me and say horrendous things. Like the night i said no but his friend didnt listen, i lost my virginity that night but blacked out. They made me clean up my own blood and laughed while i did. Apparently he was telling the story at a party not realizing he was talking to my brothers and was saying how he manipulated me in order to have orgies with me. I blacked out but as far as my current memory goes, he was never sexual with me. But he told everyone in town about using me like that. Then when he gets sent to prison for murder kidnapping and torture the newspapers report his conversation with his cell mate where he talked about me again as a trophy saying i thought he was god so he could get what he wanted from me. This all happened 10 years ago this momth and hes the hardest to get over pain wise. But since i dont know of any time he actually touched me asside from that kiss, i never looked at it as abusive and didnt understand why he still effects me. Sorry for so many triggers, these people i never thought of as abusive. Just bad people, but now im looking at it from a different perspective and dont know what to think of these people |
 mandamoo42, Sannah
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#7
Jun 25, 2012, 01:45 PM
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PurpleFlyingMonkeys, I am so sorry for all you have had to go threw. It was hard to read about all the things you have indured it does help me to understand your prospective and put the pieces of your story together. I can barely understand the pieces of my own story. Your story helps me recall parts of my story. I wish you the best of luck in surviving this daily.
Big Mama |
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#8
Jun 25, 2012, 02:05 PM
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Quote:
example here in america we call it domestic violence when a spouse hits another, but other countries call it a husbands right to discipline his wife. here in america we call it child abuse if a parent strikes a child with something but other countries call it a parents right, some religions call it spare the rod spoil the child, parents right,... to find out what abuse is for your location you can contact your police department, your treatment providers or your local family services department/agency. here in america we also have what is called metal abuse...that takes into consideration feelings of the person that has been hit, made fun of what ever... other countries and regions may not consider a persons feelings when deciding what is abuse and what isnt.. again to find out what is considered emotional abuse you can contact your police department, family services or your treatment providers. they will explain whats abuse where you are. |
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#9
Jun 25, 2012, 03:42 PM
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Thank you amanda, im not looking to take legal action if i did i would be in court for the rest of my life. I just never understood why or how these people hurt me when they werent as bad as the abusers that would really hurt me. I wont go into details about those, but so many people did horrendous things and for a while i thought it was normal. Only once i started dating my current fiance did i realize that not every one is willing to hurt you for them. And only once i was able to look at my life from the outside, no longer a victim, did i realize just how bad some of them were. My t says i can press charges, even against my brother, but all i see any of that doing is bringing up bad memories. I kind of blamed myself for them hurting me, knowing i wasnt a small child but didnt leave made me believe i was doing it to myself so i never looked at them for being wrong.
Im sorry for triggering big mama, i tried to make it as light as possible but im not good at that. I really never understood why i could not get over these people and how they treated me, why it hurt me still, but im at a new point in my healing, i dont blame myself anymore but its causing confusion when i think back to other people that didnt just straight beat me or full on force things. The people i put myself in their way, confuses me. The ones who took advantage, the ones who were more discreet in hurting me. I am sorry i triggered you |
| Sannah
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 Gr3tta
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