Home Menu

Menu


Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old Jun 24, 2012, 12:26 PM
PurpleFlyingMonkeys's Avatar
PurpleFlyingMonkeys PurpleFlyingMonkeys is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: Oct 2009
Location: Louisianna
Posts: 1,473
What makes abuse? Maybe a technical term I'm looking for but IDK... A previous post started me thinking this about my ex, he was rather mean and controlling. He used his behavior to get me to do things that I didn't want.

But I never considered it abuse just a bad boyfriend. The same thing goes for many people in my past. Many many people I just considered bad people. Sure they did bad things to me but what exactly constitutes abuse? There are so many people, some hurt me pretty deep but I never looked at those as abuse. I only looked at the people who physically hit me repeatedly or those who touched me innappropriately or those who were really harsh speaking with me as abusive. Not the controlling or manipulative ones. What is wrong with people?
__________________
I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.

advertisement
  #2  
Old Jun 24, 2012, 01:27 PM
Sannah's Avatar
Sannah Sannah is offline
Legendary
 
Member Since: Jul 2008
Posts: 19,179
People who abuse others are self centered and are only thinking about what they want and they don't think about their victims at all.

What is wrong with these people? I think that they have been abused themselves and they are just trying to meet their needs but definitely in the wrong way. (Not all who are abused become abusive, though).
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........

I'm an ISFJ
  #3  
Old Jun 25, 2012, 04:52 AM
Leed's Avatar
Leed Leed is offline
Elder
 
Member Since: Oct 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 6,543
Abuse can be emotional and mental as well as physical.

My ex husband was both of the above (not physical). He used to call me names, like stupid, insane, idiot, etc. He would "infer" that I knew nothing, and say things like "don't you EVER think?" Why don't you use your head once in awhile? How can you be so dumb? I also had to account for VERY SINGLE PENNY I spent. He wanted to know where it was spent, and why. If I went somewhere, he would check up on me. I couldn't even go to my parents house without him calling to make sure I was there. (I had NEVER cheated on him or given him REASON to think I would). He never helped with anything, Once he got home from work, that was it. He never helped with the children, and once they were old enough, THEY did all the chores, outside as well as in. If I helped them, it was grounds for a horrible fight. I helped them anyway.

I was afraid of him. He had a horrible temper, and he hit me once. I stayed with him for 26 years, and finally divorced the creep not caring if he killed me or not.

What he did was abusive. If you are now dealing with, or have dealt with anything like the above, you are being or were abused. Get some help. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee
  #4  
Old Jun 25, 2012, 05:32 AM
nicoleflynn nicoleflynn is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Jan 2012
Location: rochester, michigan
Posts: 3,111
I lived with a verbal and physical abuser. Verbal abuse is just more than hateful words; if you read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans you will understand. You can also google verbal abuse.
  #5  
Old Jun 25, 2012, 08:57 AM
Gr3tta's Avatar
Gr3tta Gr3tta is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: May 2010
Location: .
Posts: 4,283
The definition of abuse also includes "to misuse," "to use inappropriately," and can also mean, "a corrupt or improper practice."
To my mind, this includes such things as coercion and manipulation. In a healthy relationship, both parties should be able to talk about what they want or need openly. They shouldn't be using manipulation in order to ignore their partner's wishes and gain their own desires.
It can be difficult to draw the line. I understand your confusion. Here is an awesome list of behaviors that can be abusive. Some of them might surprise you.

Abusive Behavior Checklist

Evaluate the Abuse Level in Your Past or Present Relationship

Abusive behavior in relationships is a common problem. This checklist helps you evaluate the abuse level in your past or present relationship. If you are concerned about the abuse level you are experiencing, please call your county’s domestic violence agency.
Abusive Behavior Checklist

Emotional Abuse

  • Frequently blames or criticizes you
  • Calls you names
  • Ridicules your beliefs, religion, race class or sexual preference
  • Blames you for "causing" the abuse
  • Ridicules/makes bad remarks about your gender
  • Criticizes or threatens to hurt your family or friends
  • Isolates you from your family and friends
  • Abuses animals
  • Tries to keep you from doing something you wanted to do
  • Is angry if you pay too much attention to someone or something else (children, friends, school, etc.)
  • Withholds approval, appreciation or affection
  • Humiliates you
  • Becomes angry if meals or housework are not done to his/her liking
  • Makes contradictory demands
  • Does not include you in important decisions
  • Does not allow you to sleep
  • Repeatedly harasses you about things you did in the past
  • Takes away car keys, money or credit cards
  • Threatens to leave or told you to leave.
  • Checks up on you (listens to your phone calls, looks at phone bills, checks the mileage on the car, etc.)
  • Tells people you suffer from a mental illness
  • Threatens to commit suicide
  • Interferes with your work or school (provokes a fight in the morning, calls to harass you at work, etc.)
  • Minimizes or denies being abusive
  • Abuses your children
  • Breaks dates and cancels plans without reason
  • Uses drugs or alcohol to excuse their behavior
  • Uses phrases like "I’ll show you who is boss," or "I’ll put you in line"
  • Uses loud or intimidating tone of voice
  • Comes home at late hours refusing an explanation
Financial Abuse

  • Makes all the decisions about money
  • Takes care of all financial matters without your input
  • Criticizes the way or amounts of money you spend
  • Places you on a budget that is unrealistic
  • Prohibits your access to bank accounts and credit cards
  • Refuses to put your name on joint assets
  • Controls your paycheck
  • Refuses you access to money
  • Refuses to let you work
  • Refuses to get a job
  • Refuses to pay bills
  • Causes you to lose your job
Sexual Abuse

  • Pressures you to have sex
  • Pressures you to perform sexual acts that make you uncomfortable or hurt you
  • Directs physical injury toward sexual areas of your body
  • Puts you at risk for unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases
  • Withholds sex or affection
  • Calls you sexual names ("*****", "*****", etc.)
  • Tells anti-woman jokes or demeans women verbally/attacks your femininity or masculinity
  • Accuses you of having or wanting sex with others
  • Forces you to have sex with others
  • Threatens to disclose your relationship when you did not want it known
  • Forces you to view pornography
  • Pressures you to dress in a certain way
  • Disregards your sexual needs and feelings about sex
  • Accuses you of being gay if you refused sex (for heterosexual relationships)
  • Spreads rumors about your sexual behaviors
  • Forces you or refuses to let you use birth control
  • Makes unwanted public sexual advances
  • Makes remarks about your sexual abilities in private or in front of others
  • Rapes and sexually assaults you
Using Children

  • Makes you feel guilty about your children
  • Uses children to relay negative messages
  • Uses children to report on your activities
  • Uses visitation to harass you
  • Threatens to take custody of your children
  • Threatens to kidnap your children
Physical Abuse

  • Pushes, grabs or shoves you
  • Slaps you
  • Punches you
  • Kicks you
  • Chokes you
  • Pinches you
  • Pulls your hair
  • Burns you
  • Bites you
  • Ties you up
  • Forces you to share needles with others
  • Threatens you with a knife, gun or other weapon
  • Uses a knife, gun or other weapon
  • Prevents you from leaving an area/physically restrains you
  • Throws objects
  • Destroys property or your possessions
  • Drives recklessly to frighten you
  • Disregards your needs when you are ill, injured or pregnant
  • Abuses you while you are pregnant
  • Forces you to abort or carry a pregnancy
Issues for Immigrants

  • Lies about your immigration status
  • Tells you that they have the ability to have your immigration status changed
  • Threatens to withdraw/not file the petition to legalize your immigration status
  • Tells you that the U.S. will award the children to them
  • Tells you that you have abandoned your culture and become "white" or "American"
  • Stops subscriptions or destroys newspapers and magazines in your language
  • Tells you that U.S. law allows abuse as long as it is in private
  • Threatens to report you to INS if you work without a permit
  • Takes money you send to your family
  • Forces you to sign papers written in a language you do not understand
  • Forbids you to learn English or communicate in your native language
  • Harasses you at the only job you can work at legally in the U.S. so that you will be forced to work illegally
  • Calls you a "mail order bride"
  • Alleges you had a history of prostitution on legal papers
  • Tells you that U.S. law requires you to have sex whenever he/she wants it
  #6  
Old Jun 25, 2012, 09:09 AM
PurpleFlyingMonkeys's Avatar
PurpleFlyingMonkeys PurpleFlyingMonkeys is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: Oct 2009
Location: Louisianna
Posts: 1,473
Many triggers********* thank you for all the replies and leed, my ex husband was very similar to yours. He would check up on me, even when i was at school. When he was deployed, i wasnt allowed to work, on top of that he would only send me $200 a month for food and gas. He made me keep every receipt and email him every single thing i purchased and it had to add up or I wouldnt get that 200. When he was home and i was able to work, it didnt last long because he would call me 30 times in one shift. If i didnt answer i would have 30 voicemail messages about "stupid bi*ch" a land threats being called worthless, and in the end he would go up to my work screaming and cussing if i didnt answer. He was also physically abusive and that was bad. He made me drop out of college because it was cutting into my cooking and cleaning time. He would make me do things sexually and would put his hands aroung my throat and squeeze at the end
i cant tell you how many times he did that during fights and would always say since we were away from my family and i wasnt allowed to have friends, he could kill me, knew where to bury me and no one would ever know. I eventually was able to leave him and so thankful that i did.
The other abuse i was thinking about is like my aunt. We grew up together she was only one year older but when i didnt do what she wanted she would punch me, she would try to ruin my relationships or friendships, even out of jealousy she would be mean. When with friends she would always pick on me kind of. Laughing about my mental disorders laughing about and telling them about my past abusers, she would do anything to make me feel bad.
Another ex of mine would not just cheat but would find a way to turn everything around, make me feel worthless and would use that to get sexual favors. I would cry while doing it, which would only make for a good story to tell. He was 19 i was 15.

Then the one that really confuses me as he never physically really touched me, i dont think.
he was 22, i was 14. I looked up to him as kind of a mentor. He knew just what to do to make me feel special. I always rode in the front seat, he would talk about how mature i was, would only let me in the room during hid drug deals (but i never did the drugs) he said he had been with 99 girls and wanted me to be 100. I didnt see him that way and one day when he kissed me and i didnt let it go further he punched and broke one of the globes on the ceiling fan and was crushing the glass with his bare feet talking about how sexually frustrated he was. I blacked out a couple nights i was with him. Then i find out after i moved that at his parties he would joke about me and say horrendous things. Like the night i said no but his friend didnt listen, i lost my virginity that night but blacked out. They made me clean up my own blood and laughed while i did. Apparently he was telling the story at a party not realizing he was talking to my brothers and was saying how he manipulated me in order to have orgies with me. I blacked out but as far as my current memory goes, he was never sexual with me. But he told everyone in town about using me like that. Then when he gets sent to prison for murder kidnapping and torture the newspapers report his conversation with his cell mate where he talked about me again as a trophy saying i thought he was god so he could get what he wanted from me. This all happened 10 years ago this momth and hes the hardest to get over pain wise. But since i dont know of any time he actually touched me asside from that kiss, i never looked at it as abusive and didnt understand why he still effects me. Sorry for so many triggers, these people i never thought of as abusive. Just bad people, but now im looking at it from a different perspective and dont know what to think of these people
Hugs from:
mandamoo42, Sannah
  #7  
Old Jun 25, 2012, 01:45 PM
Big Mama's Avatar
Big Mama Big Mama is offline
Magnate
 
Member Since: Jun 2012
Location: Virginia
Posts: 2,191
PurpleFlyingMonkeys, I am so sorry for all you have had to go threw. It was hard to read about all the things you have indured it does help me to understand your prospective and put the pieces of your story together. I can barely understand the pieces of my own story. Your story helps me recall parts of my story. I wish you the best of luck in surviving this daily.
Big Mama
  #8  
Old Jun 25, 2012, 02:05 PM
amandalouise's Avatar
amandalouise amandalouise is offline
Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: 8CS / NYS / USA
Posts: 9,171
Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys View Post
What makes abuse? Maybe a technical term I'm looking for but IDK... A previous post started me thinking this about my ex, he was rather mean and controlling. He used his behavior to get me to do things that I didn't want.

But I never considered it abuse just a bad boyfriend. The same thing goes for many people in my past. Many many people I just considered bad people. Sure they did bad things to me but what exactly constitutes abuse? There are so many people, some hurt me pretty deep but I never looked at those as abuse. I only looked at the people who physically hit me repeatedly or those who touched me innappropriately or those who were really harsh speaking with me as abusive. Not the controlling or manipulative ones. What is wrong with people?
what makes something abuse legally is that each location ie town city, state country, region has their own laws and definitions of what is abuse...

example here in america we call it domestic violence when a spouse hits another, but other countries call it a husbands right to discipline his wife.

here in america we call it child abuse if a parent strikes a child with something but other countries call it a parents right, some religions call it spare the rod spoil the child, parents right,...

to find out what abuse is for your location you can contact your police department, your treatment providers or your local family services department/agency.

here in america we also have what is called metal abuse...that takes into consideration feelings of the person that has been hit, made fun of what ever...

other countries and regions may not consider a persons feelings when deciding what is abuse and what isnt..

again to find out what is considered emotional abuse you can contact your police department, family services or your treatment providers. they will explain whats abuse where you are.
  #9  
Old Jun 25, 2012, 03:42 PM
PurpleFlyingMonkeys's Avatar
PurpleFlyingMonkeys PurpleFlyingMonkeys is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: Oct 2009
Location: Louisianna
Posts: 1,473
Thank you amanda, im not looking to take legal action if i did i would be in court for the rest of my life. I just never understood why or how these people hurt me when they werent as bad as the abusers that would really hurt me. I wont go into details about those, but so many people did horrendous things and for a while i thought it was normal. Only once i started dating my current fiance did i realize that not every one is willing to hurt you for them. And only once i was able to look at my life from the outside, no longer a victim, did i realize just how bad some of them were. My t says i can press charges, even against my brother, but all i see any of that doing is bringing up bad memories. I kind of blamed myself for them hurting me, knowing i wasnt a small child but didnt leave made me believe i was doing it to myself so i never looked at them for being wrong.

Im sorry for triggering big mama, i tried to make it as light as possible but im not good at that. I really never understood why i could not get over these people and how they treated me, why it hurt me still, but im at a new point in my healing, i dont blame myself anymore but its causing confusion when i think back to other people that didnt just straight beat me or full on force things. The people i put myself in their way, confuses me. The ones who took advantage, the ones who were more discreet in hurting me. I am sorry i triggered you
Hugs from:
Sannah
Thanks for this!
Gr3tta
Reply
Views: 1074

attentionThis is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:26 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2025, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.




 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.