[healed84]

****Trigger for talk of Rape****************





I was raped in my neighborhood outisde where a lot of the neighborhood kids all hung out and played. Latley, I have been feeling considering going to where it happend. I still live in the area, and it is very close to my house. I can't answer for myself why I want to go there, or why I have such a strong feeling of being drawn there, but I can't stop thinking about. I do think, that maybe it will vailidate that it is something that really happend. I don't remember many details of the rape itself, but in my mind I can see everything aorund me and hear the sounds. I wonder, if I go back and I see or don't see the things in my mind, it will prove to myself that it really happend.

Just wondering if anyone else has done this?? Any tips or advice?

[notablackbarbie]

((((((healed84))))))

I have an early appointment tommorrow, so i have to get ready for bed. But i will come back to this thread SOON to give you a full response...for now

[Gr3tta]

I would think carefully about why you want to go there before you do. You should think about all the possible outcomes for visiting that place, and you should be okay with all of them before you decide to go. If possible it might be a good idea to take an understanding friend or family member with you, to make sure you stay safe?
I visited one very bad place from my past, but I visited because the building had burned down. It was okay, but it didn't feel good the way I thought it would to see the building destroyed. I felt the same.
Whatever you decide, I hope it will turn out well for you. Please take care. Thank you for sharing this.

[geez]

I went back to my old neighborhood and ironically I drive by it every time I go to the local college for a class. I drove down the road I used to live on once while seeing T1. She recommended I set up a support person for after my 'visit'. Since then I've been there a couple of times early this year. I kind of felt really odd and somehow transported back in time. It felt like the 5 year old me was sad and staring at me from a window. I just turned 40 and I buried this experience of abuse until 3 years ago.

I would chat with T first before going and have support waiting in the wings.

[notablackbarbie]

((((healed84)))) I'm back.
Looking at this section of PC, its great to see that you have been making progress in working through what happened to you

As i promised earlier, i did want to come back to consider pros and cons...Firstly, I am truly sorry for all happend to you. Secondly, i am someone who did have to approach *that spot* with the second incident. And thirdly, im also kinda someone who is also working up toward also approaching *that spot* where it first happened...

On The One Hand.....you COULD go back...
pros

• reduce its "power" over you - "that's it...this is just a ..."
• feel more freedom to move around your environment - less of a place to "avoid at all costs"
• can be part of actively working through anger, guilt/shame, putting blame where it belongs, and forgiveness
• destroy the stronghold/attachment - evict *that spot* from your brain, so it now has space to focus on something else more important
• Going with a friend? Celebrate the accomplishment afterwards = icecream! bonfire! breaking stuff! silly movie that will have you

cons

• could SHUT DOWN
• panic attack
• too many ****ing flashbacks
• anger could be hard/scary to deal with
• friend may not be that much of a help - "wait, why are you crying??"
• shame/guilt ESPECIALLY as 20-20 hindsight/what ifs/woulda coulda shoulda kick in = "WTF! There's a door over there? Why didn't i see the door? Why didn't i run to the door? Why didn't i scream so someone could hear me at the door? Why why why was i so ****ing stupid to be at *this spot* in the first place?? "

On The Other Hand....you could NOT go back
pros

• it is really REALLY scary to consider
• we already have the memories and guilt and shame, we really don't need more flashbacks right now
• don't have to burden a friend to join you on this journey - dont have to deal with all of that fear and embarrasement
• it may not be safe (litterally dangerous, one should not go there...)
• Honestly....ignorance can be bliss and curiosity killed the cat

cons

• may still be stuck in head
• empty chair/visualization technique can be inadequate
• ....trapped and stuck and just not moving forward

Looking back, i can see that this is a lot. Not sure if more will come to mind later...Beyond that, this is YOUR CHOICE to make. I do hope you have support in real life to continue to help you as you are continuing on your journey of recovery and healing. I had to log-on to reply to this again because i can relate to the desire and curiosity and apprehension and wondering-what/how/why/where exactly-while-looking-back. Again, I am truly sorry for all of that happened to you.

[notablackbarbie]

Coming back to check again....and there are no other responses after all that i threw out there...(?)



Sorry for *me* being JUST TOO MUCH....

((((to everyone out there))))

[healed84]

Originally Posted by notablackbarbie

Coming back to check again....and there are no other responses after all that i threw out there...(?)



Sorry for *me* being JUST TOO MUCH....

((((to everyone out there))))

I am sorry, I haven't gotten back to you. I have been in and out of here the last 7 days or so, b/c I have been on vacation. I do thank you for all of your advice, it was incrediably insightful and things I have been thinking about since reading it. I am planning on bringing it up to my T next week to see what he thinks about it. again, sorry for not getting back to you and thanks so much for your advice!!