**TRIGGER** Why I think I need to be here

Well, I was abused, my saying so should be enough, but it never is.
The sexual abuse came at the hands of my own loving Father. I was not his only victium, there are probaly some I do not even know of. I was emotionaly abused by both parents and three much old sibblings. When You are nine you do not know this. You think your family is just like everyone elses, and you do not dare talk about the bad, cause I thought I had it good cause by the time I came along the Physical abuse Had stopped. That is the beatings, whippings, ect. Not to say the Sexual did not get violent, that just holds its on level of hell in my mind. I am not about to lay out some timeline, or chart it all out, but I hurt, I bleed, I thought I was lowwer than dirt, the worst child to ever live, and of course I asked for everything I got. I was the cause of all there problems, and for that I had to pay in shame, guilt, their perversions, blood, tears, bites, slapps, smothering, scratched, and so much worse. I know only now that was NOT asked for or deserved. My pain will not leave. He is dead. I know that but as I sleep He takes me back there choking the life from me, as he is able to do as he pleases with in his sick world where no one can touch him. I was told by my mother before she sought mental illness treatment and was medicaded as she is now That when she died she would come back and claw at my eyelids when I tried to sleep, That I could never excape the payment for the hell I had turned her life into. When sick(mentaly) she would make my brother and me sit very still and listen as she did chores and made up songs of how hell would burn our bodies, and the skin would slide from our bones because we were such evil children. She would scream at us to tell her just how much we hated her and made us scream out that we never loved her and never would. If we refused it would last longer. So from an earlier age I was made to scream I hate you you b**** at my mother or face worse punishment. She said she would write letters to our teachers and tell them just how bad we were at home, and that we saved all our bad behavor for her. So we must scream back the things she told us. It brook My heart everytime she made me and my brother scream I do not love you, I must have did that hundreds of times and everytime the tears would fall. See we put up this public front. My parents were deeply involved in our Church. Everyone thought we were a wonderfull family. I use to sit in church and pray that they would see the way they acted was wrong or other times that God would show me what my brother and I did or could do to fix it. My sisters all older some by as much as 15 years, When still at home they would tell us the horror stories of what they had gone through, to teach us how good we had it. The sister closes to me is nine years older, we were poor and us kids always had to share beds. She would tell me how here life was ruined because of be, see she had been the baby, daddy's favorite till I came along, She would tell me that I would probably die in my sleep if I went to sleep or that She could hold a pillow over my head and no one would ever know. I was not allowed by her rules to fall asleep first That got a slap or a punch she deserved to go to sleep first. I can remember being so tired when time for school and hardly being able to move, this would set my mother off. I would make her a Bad parent if I missed the bus. My Father he is a monster. He lived in my head for awhile it was all shattered up but your mind is always on and when it is ready it can show you evertything that other parts have held on to. The pain is real the blood is real, the fear of oh god please take me now. I can remember praying God let me die now let me get away from this monster. Please let me live with the angles, I guess that are the only options my childs mind knew of, I can not try and figure out why I did not speak up I left that house every weekday for 12 years for school, and church on weekends I havenot come to terms yet with why I did not open my mouth. I can remember pouring alcohol, and nailpolish remover on "myself" to get "clean". Nothing worked to stop the Idea, The shame.I just prayed to God and Tried to not hear, smell, feel, taste, see the things that i was living, so I told myself I was dead. But each time after I was not dead. And I told my self maybe next time God will put an end to me take me away, so in a way I Guess He did cause, Away is where it would go in my mind, in my life. Now my Body Has decided it is time to face things, and little did I know he was right there hidding behind those memories of the park or Christmas, Just bidding his time to take me back into hell, the monsters Hell. That is all I can bear to write for now, I am tired and as always very very ashamed when i tell this. People here Hve asked me some questions, and I have been less than forth comming with answers so I hope this can answer some. It has only brought me more questions. So when people ask me why I am here I am quick to say bipolar. and try to get by with that. Some who do not know me have even said "you just do not know bout abuse", or "I know you have not experenced this but". And you know I do not correct them caus eI wish they were right. I have tried to wait to tell my full story here as long as I could (I am just know starting therapy for the sex abuse, I am under a PDOC care as well) I hope this is enough of it to get some of the comments to change. Cause I am not strong enough alot of times to stand up to these people And say yes i tell jokes, yes I try and laugh as much as I can but that does not mean I too am A SURVIVOR of ABUSE. Maybe I can get strong enough to tell people when they say comments like that, but right now I am treading water, living my life with the help of alot of people here, some do not even know how much. Because it is simply by reading there stories and seeing their Strength to put it out for people to read. The others who think they know me or what my life has been like just because I have not corrected their wrong statements, or tell my story alot, will just have to think of me what they will. I am sure they already think they have me pegged. Thanks to those of you who have asked politly, those who have not pushed, and those who have helped, maybe now even more of the nice guys will know where I am coming from, Cause guys just cause I might not say so at times I got problems, that is why I am here. No matter what some people have assumed. I will continue to need help more probably as My close friends have told me, as I am just beging so please do not take my humor and smiles asa sign I do not deserve help or need it. THANK YOU to everyone who reads alll this huge long thing. I KNOW I CAN FEEL BETTER, I KNOW I CAN GET BETTER, AND I KNOW I NEED HELP TO GET THERE.

mangled reality

Oh, sweet you! I have no words... I feel so much for you, reading your words of pain and memories that shouldn't have been there.
I've not gone through what you've gone through.... but please know.... I have a heart and I have ears... feel free to talk to me.

(((((((((((((((((mangledreality))))))))))))))

((((Mangled))))

What you have and are enduring is the legacy of abuse, you are a survivor, and no matter what coping mechanisim you utilize..i.e. smiles/humor externally no one has the right to take away your ability to be a survivor everyday, every moment, and to judge someone based on where they are at within their healing, or upon their coping mechanisims..is just wrong..so I hope that you find comfort and healing and contiune to find supportive ppl here that will help you along the way...take care dear Mangled, you are a Survivor..and you are in our thoughts..

((((((MR))))))))

Thanks for letting us know more about you. Yes, you put on a happy face, and you support others and help them. That's what you have had to do to survive, isn't it? I always knew with a name like mangledreality there had to be something behind it. I'm glad that you have found us, and I hope that you are able to ask for help and support for yourself when you need it or for any reason at all. Feel free to PM me if you want to, for any reason. And by all means go at your own pace. You never have to say more than you want to.

Rap

Thank you for your words, I see now there are people here who are ready to help or listen, those people who quetioned me might stumble upon my story here, but now I can see my posting here turned out to be much more than any of that. I will go at my own speed but know I feel safer, and might be able to share more now.

mangaled reality

(((((((((((mangledreality))))))))))))))
I am new here so we have not actually interacted on the boards but I read your story. What you have done was a huge step. Please don't let others judge you. My opinion is that is God's job. You sound like a wonderful soul and I have to say you are a survivor. You share what YOU need too share when YOU are ready.
BIG HUGS
Cher

(((((((((((((mangledreality))))))))))))))) It was very brave of you to share some of your life. I am sorry that you went through what you described. No one should have to endure the things you were subjected to. I am glad you are getting the help you need to heal. If you ever need someone to talk to don't hesitate to PM me. I am sorry that you felt misunderstood here. Hopefully this will now improve. Take care.

Sweetie ... I had no idea things were that horrible for you ... I think you let a little bit slip but not a lot...

I am so sorry that you went through what you did and I hope that you can find some relief and some happiness ...

kia kaha ... be strong.

xx T

Again Friends Thank You all for your support. It has been hard lately. It is still raining, but at least now I can smile, smile at your wonderful souls!

I am so sorry you had to endure the abuse you had in your young life. I felt myself crying and hurting for you. If it was in my power I would take the pain from you. I hope by your opening up like this you may start to get some release from the pain you have suffered. please ahve a great day.

Too moved to speak.................. Thank You oh Thank You

You poor sweet girl.As many tears as I have cried because of abuse from my childhood and in two marriages,I cry more for you.We work hard to go on with a normal life but the pain is alway there.It seems to follow us in everything we do.Keep working on getting better.

Hello there. That took real courage to open all that up, to face it, and to share it here. You're an inspiration. I'm putting you on my hero list, if that's o.k. with you.

Yes, you are a SURVIVOR! And you can reach out to others for help and we will be here for you. Together, we will all have a better today and an even better tomorrow.

Be well,

mtd

My HEART is yours to have and to take when you feel unworthy or unclean....
YOU are BEAUTIFUL and should NEVER be left to hang onto all the pain and wounds that have covered your mind and your body.... Please let all of us here at Psych Central LOVE YOU until your cup runs over with delight and joy.

I have no words to express how I am feeling right now.... Just know that YOU are LOVED and WANTED.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Dear Mangledreality, I am so sorry for what has been done to you. I have been abused.... I know how it makes you feel.... Thank you for sharing your story....there are never enough words to say....

(((( MangledReality ))))
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you had to go through all those types of abuse... especially as a child. I, too, was sexually abused as a child. I know how that feels. Please PM me anytime you need to. Like everyone said, just go at your own pace. We are all here for you.

The words that have been sent my way, hope and support, I have never been treated this well! Some people and I have not seen eye to eye and at times I run off, then I come back and you all have said the most touching and heart felt things!!!! That day I wrote my story in anger and thought people needed to know what I went through. I know know it was not for the right reasons but it has turned in to something that touches me to my soul. The cleansing tears are falling the ones that I need the most. Away goes so much guilt and shame for pushing my self too soon. I now see that I do have friends here that are more than friends, people who have walked my path and are further along than I. I know I will need to reach out to you all to get down this path and I am scared to look ahead and see what is next. Alot of me wants to not wait but I know I must not. Your words have helped me 100 times more than the hurtful words here have hurt. I will look to you then dear ones. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, Rachel.

The healing process has already began for you. Admitting this abuse and seeking treatment for all the unresolved feelings can really benefit for you.

This is very difficult to talk about and you've showed such strength expressing your feelings about this issue.

Thanks so much for saying this.....and yes you are a survivor.

The first time we say the words outloud we run back to our little tunnels of escape. You shared and if you can keep from running that is a good thing. I know I get very scared when I have said the words outloud. But it takes away their power. I am sorry for your pain and I wish you peace.