[JLarissaDragon]

Last week I sat down with my brother to talk for the first time in many years. I had traveled 1200 miles to his place in the Denver area to attend the funeral of my disabled niece who had passed away. We had a good talk for the first time in years. All good

The problem is that it triggered memories of all kinds of abuse that occurred in our home as I was growing up, especially after my mother died when I was 13. A year later I was raped by one of his friends, whom I heard that you might as well. She keep her pants on anyway. (I was a virgin at the time but had become quite flirtatious) After that I really acted out and was rather wild. I got pregnant at 17 and miscarried 3 months later

I sort of got my act together and went to college and finished an advanced degree. I married the first guy who treated me half decent and got pregnant and had my daughter, but I did not know how to relate to a man in a wholesome way and went through a very painful divorce.
I since remarried and have a reasonably decent marriage now for nearly 10 years. though not perfect we get along and work together

However just being there has brought all kinds of awful memories back and I just can't seem to shake them, regardless of how I try. I just keep remembering the pain, humiliation and degrading feelings that I had in those days. I have visions of the the physical and verbal abuse that went on.

I cannot figure out what to do. Why is all the rubbish from my stormy past suddenly replaying in my brain. What do I do and how do I make it stop? I really want to have a normal family and a relationship with my brother rather than being alienated all my life. He is ready to move on. What is the matter with me?

You seem to need to process those feelings that have been hidden for so long. Shame, pain, humiliation.. I have a similar story and I have chosen therapy as a way of someone assisting me to work through these feelings. There are also lots of self help books out their including work books. I think the mind has a way of bring things back when your ready to deal with them. Good luck on your journey, but know those new memories when processed through the eyes of an adult verses that of a child is a good way to reframe the memories and help to heal the child within.

[Butterflies Are Free]

It may also be helpful to process some of this with a therapist - do you have one?
Triggers can be very powerful and hard to deal with.