[Ticli-Otops]

My "boyfriend" still doesn't understand how much the things that have happened, hurt me. I'm so tempted to send him what I write, to help him understand. Even though no words will ever be able to describe the way I felt... i don't know. Opinions?:

My room of reckoning:
I'm sitting. Calm... peaceful. I'm smiling, and laughing. I feel a hand rest on my shoulder, and I stop. The room goes dark. I close my eyes. When they are reopened i'm in a dark room. I'm sat down in a chair. I'm free, but I can't move. I can't speak. I hear a voice bellowing throughout the room. The voice belonged to him. I tried my hardest to move. To run. But I couldn't do a thing. Inside, I was screaming. I knew what was about to happen. He continued to speak. Telling me what to do. Every move he commanded me to make, was made. I couldn't stop it. His words, and sick twisted mind were in control. I was the puppet. And he was my master.

The demonic Power:
I'm laying in what feels like heaven. I'm calm, and relaxed. I'm about to drift into a deep sleep. I feel a rough hand rest on my arm. It frightened me, and I gasped. The somewhat demonic hand trailed it's way down. With each movement from the evil, my heart raced faster, and new tears flowed. I slowly turned my head, to see the face that owned the hand. Even though I already knew. My heaven has turned to hell.

The never ending story:
He took me in his grasp. He held me in the moment of hell. He whispered. His voice was kept so low, it was nearly impossible to understand. He forced me closer. I couldn't push him away, and I knew that. But that wouldn't stop me from trying. The sickened, frightened child that I was... I felt so powerless. He slid his evil under my clothing. I was so ready to tell... I was okay with dying. He had me exposed. He wouldn't let me free. That was the moment he would do something that would destroy me forever. I would never feel so much pain. It was so unreal. He held me down, and forced himself inside of me. No matter how much I cried, and begged him to stop... I knew it would never end. This was my "Once upon a time..."... My never ending story.

Sorry for posting these, by the way. I just need to know if this would ever help someone ever even come close to understanding. I love writing. I know... i'm not the greatest. Haha. But, this is the only GOOD way I can let out my feelings.

[rothfan6]

Your writing is very powerful. Your words really evoke the feeling of what is it like to go from calm to powerless, scared and in pain. Its a difficult thing to explain when people say "why didnt you just stop it or get away", but they dont understand whats its like to be in that situation. I think it would help your boyfriend to understand whats its like to go through it. I have sent my friend so of the stuff Ive wrote about abuse and it helped her to understand but it also helped me too.

[Big Mama]

You should be come a writer. I to like to write. I have ADD and PTSD and am not a good speaker but the words are in my brain and I can't get them out unless I write them.

Is this to be addressed to the one who did this to you or as an explanation to the new person you are with? This would be very good to show to a new person you might be with. But if the person who did this to you is the same person you are currently seeing I would not give this to them alone. With a T maybe or w/ a close friend who knows. I wish you the best of luck.

[kindachaotic]

Thank you for being courageous & sharing your story.
It could possibly help someone else open up after a lifetime of suffering.
You are a great writer & easy reading to understand your history.
As difficult as it is, so glad posting is an outlet for you.
We are always here to listen.

[Sannah]

What do you have to lose by sending it to him?

[Ticli-Otops]

Originally Posted by Sannah

What do you have to lose by sending it to him?

My relationship.

[Sannah]

Really? He would leave you over that info?

[Ticli-Otops]

He's already close to leaving me for all of that happening...

[Harley47]

I agree that your writing is very powerful. You should take pride in that.

I would send it...I think a common thread in your posts that include your boyfriend is a general lack of understanding how your past has affected you. I would preface it with your intentions in sending it, and don't perhaps make it seem like you're blaming him, but that you need him to understand. He must.

I would confess that I don't think particularly highly of him after reading your other topic...but that's my opinion, and you know him better than I do. I trust your judgment in the matter.

My best,
Harley