So where do I go from here?

I am a PT college student and I have a professor that triggers the hell out of me. Some of the trigger is based on her hard *** teaching style in combination with me being self critical and wanting an A - high standards for testing well and knowing the material. The last 4 classes I've wanted to burst into tears. Thankfully I'm able to hold it in (barely) until I get to my car where I can let it out. In class I have moments where I feel overwhelmed and l want to cry when I envision going up to my professor after class to challenge her (this is a trigger from my childhood). However during class I'm able to raise my hand and ask her to restate something if I didn't 'get it all' in my notes etc...

I know what the trigger is/what it relates to in my past and yet I'm holding back the tears.

If understanding what is bothering me is not enough to stop the tears when do they stop? When do I stop getting frustrated and judgmental of myself? I feel like I'm barely keeping it together.

I can relate to what you are feeling, I had core issues that kept triggering me. I know professors can get on their high horse at times. Remimber, you control your actions not her. Don't give her your power. Hang in there, she will still be in the same place long after you've moved on to greener pastures...

Have you discussed this with your T yet? I think that you need to talk about what is being triggered up from the past with your T and let all of those feelings out in session. Once you release some of the pressure from that end, while you are in class you need to make the connections that this prof is triggering up your old issues, and tell yourself that this prof is not your mom. Once you can diffuse the past trigger and then stop that automatic connection/trigger in the present, you should start seeing some relief.

Sannah yes I have talked about this with my T. I've also called my T crying from my car and when I was at home doing homework/reading for that class besides talking about it in session.

Even when I'm in class I say to myself: your professors demeanor has nothing to do with you it's all about her and the feelings you have is about your mom not about you not working hard enough. But the emotions start to take over in waves and I'm able to push them back so I don't lose it in public.

Even thought I've talked about it and understand it I don't seem to be getting any relief. T thinks there is some reason why I'm not letting it go (even though I understand why the feelings are there - for some reason I want to make it about me and not trying hard enough - there's a lot of fear in letting it go). We are going to try some EMDR at my next appointment to see if that helps.

Geez,
I have faced similar challenges so I understand how difficult it is. I could "not" even hear my sisters voice for a while without getting severely triggered.

I think that the problem for you is that this goes back to the "child" in you and that is hard to overcome. That "child" didn't know how to "overcome intimidation" and that is where you feel challenged now as well. I have dealt with that myself and it "is" hard when coming across a personality type that reminds you of how you struggled. It can be an "invalidating" struggle where when you were a child, you may have felt that no matter how well you did, you were not going to have "validation" for it. I think that is why you develope "attachments" with "strong successful women" that "validate you" and give you "permission" to thrive.

You need to get to a point where you "truely believe in yourself" and that just is not quite there yet, hense this woman is triggering you. And you really want this to work as far as furthering your education and overall sense of self worth.

Getting "past" this will be a big "win" for you geez, so keep working at it, you can do it.

((((Big Hugs for Support)))), and I believe you can get past this geez.
Open Eyes

Yeah, you have to let those feelings out. Just talking about it won't be enough.

This is really good ^.

What do you fear will happen if you let go?

I don't know. I don't really want to think about what will happen.

Hopefully you can explore this with your T?

But of course