[gettingthere2003]

I am writing because I was emotionally neglected and occasionally emotionally abused by my mom. I feel weird writing on the abuse forum because I realize that there are many people out there who endured physical and sexual abuse and I did not. But somehow the emotional abuse is so significant. I wish somehow society would have a greater awareness of the devastating effects of emotional neglect and abuse on a child/teenager. I grew up in a home where my mother never told me she loved me. she never hugged me. Mostly she just ignored me when she was angry. You could be in a room with her for an hour and she would never speak to you. When I got older she referred to me as a slut and accused me of trying to be seductive to my uncles. Which I would never do. She just seems to project all of her anger on to me. I wrote her a letter confronting her about this. She just denied it and said cruel things back to me. My father doesn't believe me and neither do my other siblings. they made me the black sheep of the family for telling the truth. Therapy and self help books and time have helped me heal. I toy with writing a book about emotional abuse someday.

[Open Eyes]

(((gettingthere))),

Hi, welcome to PC. I am sorry that you didn't have a mother that showed you love. Sometimes mother's don't know how, for some reason, maybe she didn't get loved herself, or maybe she has been hurt at some point in her life and was "afraid" to love.
You know, some people are just afraid to love.

I don't know what kind of childhood your mother might have had, but maybe if you did some "investigating" you may find some answers. That is what I did with my parents, I learned about their childhoods and grew to understand them better. You know, after all, we are what we know, and some people just don't know how to express love.

If you didn't have the love you needed, then make sure you give that love to your own children someday. You will know what it is like to have it missing and how important it truely is.

You can also share with others, because you are not alone in needing.

(((Hugs for healing)))
Open Eyes

[Leed]

Oh sweetie, I know exactly what kind of childhood you had cause miine was just like that. We had NO touching and NO kudos at all. I've said many times that we were just like the furniture -- we were just "there." They were both alcoholics so they were too busy getting drunk half the time to know we were around anyway. We never had a curfew either so we might be gone all night for all they knew -- although we never were.

How we turn out as good kids, I'll never know but we did. Not one of us got into any trouble of ANY kind.

But I know what you're talking about. It was a very lonely and cold childhood -- but I swore my own kids wouldn't be brought up like that and they weren't. I lavished affectiion on them and still do.

God bless you and take care. If you ever want to talk, just message me, ok? Hugs, Lee

[unaluna]

my mother has been angry and disappointed at me my entire life, I have never known why, only that i'm not "normal" enough for her somehow. I don't even know what she's talking about. welcome to the club.

[WhiteCruelty]

I understand you so much. A sexual/physical abuse is always considered in society yet an emotionally is very difficult that you find someone that really thinks you are saying the truth.
Society is hard with woman/man abused, saying sometimes even that woman doesnt want to work or even that her is a coward, it is not! Only someone that have suffered this knows the fear of living with an emotional and hard mom that suddenly is fine as bad without knowing why. And that s the important, it is your mom, so you never think that a mom wants to hurt you, which is still more confus.
You grow confused, guilty with a very low esteem and you never know why, why and why. Because of society says you that a bad mom have to hit you...

But the good...you are not alone. You can find people who can understand here.

Hugs.

[gettingthere2003]

Thank you for all the responses to my thoughts. It is very helpful.

[Davisb]

I think ultimately...it all ends up being emotion abuse to a child. Combined with physical abuse of course will be worse. Thank God you came out ok.

[Dreamy01]

Hi there

I was emotionally abused and neglected but not PA or SA either (at least, not in the conventional sense). For a long time I felt a fraud because so many people had had it worse, or so I thought. But then a T told me that the emotional abuse is actually the hardest aspect of ANY abuse, that's what is so devastating at the end of the day. And this sort of abuse can't be seen by others. My ex husband once told me that if I went around telling people I'd had a bad childhood I'd be sneered at because it's nothing compared to the stuff others have been through. It took me a long time to recover from those comments or to even think my feelings mattered. But you know what, they do. And so do yours - everyone's feelings matter and emotional abuse takes that self belief away from us. It destroys our soul. It is as much abuse as anything else can be.

I'm sorry you were so badly abused by the people who should have loved and protected you.

[likewater]

Don't use the word JUST I was PA SA and emotionally abused. The emotional abuse was the worst. The words always replay through my brain. I'm so sorry you werent cherished and protected and nurtured like you should have been.

[Purple Heart]

Everybody's commentary could describe my childhood. Like 'gettingthere', I had a mother that was cold and very very angry. I was the first male born and i bore the full brunt of her anger towards the male sex. I was severely emotionally abused and neglected by her. And to make matters worse she got her eldest daughter to do her 'dirty work' by bullying me constantly from a very young age. I'm still working through a lot of anger i have towards those two women. I'm finding I'm having less to do with my family all in the name of self-preservation and to regain my life and sanity!!!

[gettingthere2003]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I wish to that my family could have loved and cherished me the the way they should. Instead they are angry at me for telling the truth. They are angry at me for showing any anger. Anger and emotions are not allowed in my family of origin. Its hard being the bad guy in all of this.

[Leed]

Like PurpleHeart, the oldest sister in myfamily did the "dirty work" and she tormented me until she left home. She was 7 years older than me wo when she left home at 19 I was only 12. She emotionally and physically tormented me from the day I was born. And when she came home for my mom's funeral, she was 59 yrs old -- and picked up right where she left off years before. She tormented me some more.

Recently, I composed a letter to her DEMANDING to know WHY she chose me out of the 3 sisters to torment. Why me? And why did she feel the NEED to torment me in the first place? Did she hate me and why? I told her I wanted answers and I wanted them NOW. She lives across the country from me, so I'm waiting for an answer -- which I probably wont get because I doubt she'll admit to anything. She got "caught" -- so if she says anything it will be a denial. What she doesn't realize is i have witnesses!! lol

[Lovetherapy]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

(((gettingthere))),

Hi, welcome to PC. I am sorry that you didn't have a mother that showed you love. Sometimes mother's don't know how, for some reason, maybe she didn't get loved herself, or maybe she has been hurt at some point in her life and was "afraid" to love.
You know, some people are just afraid to love.

I don't know what kind of childhood your mother might have had, but maybe if you did some "investigating" you may find some answers. That is what I did with my parents, I learned about their childhoods and grew to understand them better. You know, after all, we are what we know, and some people just don't know how to express love.

If you didn't have the love you needed, then make sure you give that love to your own children someday. You will know what it is like to have it missing and how important it truely is.

You can also share with others, because you are not alone in needing.

(((Hugs for healing)))
Open Eyes

Yes I was emotionally abused by my dad as far back as I can remember he never had anything good to say to me. Every word that came out of that man's mouth was mean, and hateful. He always told
me the bad things about myself and could find nothing at all good in me
not matter how hard I tried to please him. I am now a grown woman with
grown children of my own, he has yet to be please with me. When I moved from my home state of Louisiana to a state in the Mid west he dis- inherited me, leaving everything in the will to my only brother when he and
my mother die.

[LucyG]

My sister and I were emotionally abused by our mother and stepfather. My mother was hopelessly in love with him that she had no use for us, and of course, he hated us so we kept out of the way as much as possible. It was basically like being put in a foster home.

The funny thing about our early life is that from the outside, our family looked perfect--mother and stepfather had a business, he was a bigwig in the community and in everything, etc., etc. I did have a friend of theirs who had come to the house when I was a young teen tell me how her husband refused to go back after seeing how poorly we were treated. That really helped as life was the Twilight Zone as SF pretended he didn't know what he was doing.

I'm just starting to realize how many of my issues go back to all of that.

[gettingthere2003]

Originally Posted by LucyG

My sister and I were emotionally abused by our mother and stepfather. My mother was hopelessly in love with him that she had no use for us, and of course, he hated us so we kept out of the way as much as possible. It was basically like being put in a foster home.

The funny thing about our early life is that from the outside, our family looked perfect--mother and stepfather had a business, he was a bigwig in the community and in everything, etc., etc. I did have a friend of theirs who had come to the house when I was a young teen tell me how her husband refused to go back after seeing how poorly we were treated. That really helped as life was the Twilight Zone as SF pretended he didn't know what he was doing.

I'm just starting to realize how many of my issues go back to all of that.

My family of origin also looked like the perfect family from the outside too. If I told somebody outside the family they wouldn't believe me. My own father refuses to believe what I said about my mom. My siblings have also given me a hard time about telling the truth. I am tired of being demonized by my family and have decided to break contact for awhile. It is just too painful. No matter what I say they refuse to listen to me and just get more angry at me.

[peaches100]

I had emotional abuse by my dad and SA by a neighbor, and BY FAR, the emotional abuse was worse!!

[Mike_J]

Not sure if this is true, but I have been told that often emotional abuse/neglect is often harder to deal with than physical abuse.

I was not hugely psychical abused, though quite a few time the punishments I received would land a person in jail these days. All of that doesn't bother me, it's the emotional isolation and neglect/isolation that still haunts me.

[geez]

Originally Posted by gettingthere2003

Thank you all for your thoughts. I wish to that my family could have loved and cherished me the the way they should. Instead they are angry at me for telling the truth. They are angry at me for showing any anger. Anger and emotions are not allowed in my family of origin. Its hard being the bad guy in all of this.

I can relate to everything you wrote. I too was not allowed to express myself or I was punished physically when I wasn't being ignored. I experienced sexual abuse from a neighbor over the period of a year and a half. That has certainly impacted me on a sexual level however the emotional neglect from my mother runs really deep for me and I'm coming to many realizations about how that has effected me and my self esteem. I'm always, always, always trying harder to be a better student, mom, runner, friend etc... and it's exhausting. I would do anything to be loved or to feel truly loved but that has to start with loving myself. That is the hard part because when you receive the same neglect over and over and over again you are/I am taking that in as part of your 'self worth'. This is cptsd. My mother always pushed me away and I always tried to work harder at wording things differently or find new ways to please her so she would hug me or show love for me. Even when I was upset/crying she would never hug or comfort me she would yell at me to toughen up. On Christmas Eve I was sick with the flu and shaking uncontrollably with a fever of 104 this was at the age of 12 - I ended up calling the emergency room to talk to a Dr. to see how to treat myself as my mother was threatening to throw me in a tub of ice water. My mother always pushed me away. Always.

Sorry for the vent on your thread. It helps me to get it out there.

[SoupDragon]

Even as an adult, my mother gets me right where it really hurts - I know she had a difficult childhood herself, so I can understand her to some extent, doesn't stop it hurting though.

But we all have choices in life, knowing right from wrong as far as my own kids are concerned is instinctual to me - she could have chosen to have behaved otherwise - hugs to you, you deserved better from your parents.

I understand where you are coming from ... ... Never discount how deeply you were wounded by emotional abuse ... I can see the scars from the physical and sexual abuse and know when they've healed ... However, I cannot see the scars from the verbal and emotional abuse ... Therefore, I cannot tell how deep they are or how long it's going to take them to heal ... If Ever ... ...

I'm sorry you were abused in such a manner ... No child deserves that kind of treatment ... !!!

,
Pfrog!

[gettingthere2003]

Thank you for your replies. It is amazing how there are so many people out there who are emotionally abused and neglected by their parents. The media reports on the topic of physical and sexual abuse, but their needs to be a greater awareness in society of what emotional abuse is. If there is a greater awareness in society and more education as to what emotional abuse is then maybe people might do a better job in parenting and other people would be less likely to deny the powerful and long lasting effects of emotional abuse.

[spmtb]

Sounds O so familiar. Her abuse lead me to believe I deserved everything bad that ever happened to me. After years of abuse at 40 I realized it wasn't my fault, that she got pregnant 2 months after she had my sister, that I weighed 10 lbs or that I was female. My brother was her favorite, and recently I found out she also neglected my sister. The pain is very powerful even today. I haven't seen her for almost 3 yrs., with the exception of last xmas eve, she visited for 10 minutes. Being a single mom, I would love to have someone to be there for me, but, oh well, there's nothing I can do.

[Rachel.i]

I used to feel like my abuse didn't count because it wasn't sexual. But I know that's not true. The aftereffects of the emotional and verbal abuse were also more painful and longer-lasting than the physical abuse, where, for example, my head would be pounded against the concrete when my father got mad. And the neglect did a number too.

I wouldn't be surprised if I had PTSD, because the emotional abuse was so relentless, and my siblings joined in. They don't now, except one who just has a very cruel side. No, now, they think I'm great, and they are decent people.

But my father is still abusive. I try to remember that he's the one with the real problem and to disengage, walk away, and to not try to justify myself, when I have nothing to apologize about to him for. (It is extremely the opposite).

I really don't know if one ever gets over the pain of emotional abuse. For me the pain used to be overwhelming at times... it has lessened a lot as I've gotten older.

One thing I hate though is the conditioned reactions that kind of abuse left me. I have worked to change them. It isn't easy. I've had some success but I will probably be working on it the rest of my life.

One thing I've found helpful is to keep a list on my computer of pointers, quotes, and notes that I come across in life or from reading. I add to it regularly, then read it from time to time or whenever I need to. It helps remind me of ways to cope, how my thinking may be wrong in some area, or just about things, about life, or emotional skills that I wasn't taught growing up.

[broken for too long]

Originally Posted by Leed

Oh sweetie, I know exactly what kind of childhood you had cause miine was just like that. We had NO touching and NO kudos at all. I've said many times that we were just like the furniture -- we were just "there." They were both alcoholics so they were too busy getting drunk half the time to know we were around anyway. We never had a curfew either so we might be gone all night for all they knew -- although we never were.

How we turn out as good kids, I'll never know but we did. Not one of us got into any trouble of ANY kind.

But I know what you're talking about. It was a very lonely and cold childhood -- but I swore my own kids wouldn't be brought up like that and they weren't. I lavished affectiion on them and still do.

God bless you and take care. If you ever want to talk, just message me, ok? Hugs, Lee

hello Lee
You are a mom, and were abused by your mom.
I have two daughters and bringing them up I did everything my own mom would not.
I am an only child, she got divorced when I was 2 and was never allowed to see my dad.
My mom is a narcissist for sure, she lacks total empathy. I do still have a relationship with her, I know her sooooooo well.
As a child it wasn't easy and still she makes me feel really awful. I put up with her antics because I feel sorry for her, yet she has a wonderful life.
I am 55, and am a grandmother as well.
I did get married, yet I never planned on it, yet I married someone who was very much like my mom, he did have many of the same characteristics. Have been divorced for 21 years now, and it was not a mistake to do so.
I feel alone, maybe you can write back.
Sincerely tin

[Dymphna12]

Hello! New here. Just wanted to say yes, I went through physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. My father was the one who emotionally abused me. Nowadays when something happens, I have a flashback (which a lot of them are about my father), etc., I'm told so often to "get over it and grow up." It isn't that easy. It's a wound and wounds take time to heal, especially when you haven't actually dealt with that wound in a long time (in my case, over 10+ years). In my case, I am lucky though, because my mother and brother both endured it with me, so they had no reason to deny it.

Anyway, I don't know of any books on emotional abuse. I think one would be very welcome!