[Firestorm2018]

Hi all,

Long time lurker, first time poster. I'm dealing with something that with each passing day is making it more and more difficult to cope.

When I was in high school I was sexually abused by my uncle and I never told anyone at the time. A few years after the abuse he told my aunt (his wife) that it was a consensual affair and from that point forward she has off and on been sending me hate emails telling me I need to suffer, I have no morals and I've ruined her life. In my conversations with her I've told her the whole story in detail about the abuse but in her mind it's all consensual because he told her it was. During this time I was so overwhelmed with guilt I never told my parents about what had happened. When the abuse was happening I felt like I was at fault, like a lot of victims do, but as I got older and my aunt started terrorizing me it made me feel even more so that I had caused the situation to occur.

I eventually told my parents about the abuse and how my aunt was sending me hate mails. My mom is my aunt's sister and she called her angry, saying she doesn't want to see them again and there has been hatred between our two families for about 3 years now.

Flash forward to now, I am have finally reached out to a detective and I'm in the midst of an investigation. My dad was the one who encouraged me to pursue it and I'm happy he did because I finally feel as though after so many years, I can finally move on. However the problem I'm facing now is extreme guilt.

He's been arrested and will go through questioning and depending on what the county attorney has to say regarding the case, it will either go to trial or a deal out of court will be made. I feel so incredibly guilty for ruining my abuser's life. He has two children who will forever know their father is a molester, it's a small town and everyone will know and his business will be ruined. The thing I don't understand is why I feel this way to begin with. I've wanted justice for so many years and now that it's finally here I feel like I shouldn't be doing this. I almost feel like my time has passed and now I'm ruining someone because I can't move on. I keep trying to tell myself that I deserve justice, that victimization should never be kept quiet, that if this were someone else I would want them to press charges even if it were 50 years after the abuse, but I just can't reconcile these feelings I have. I never thought that I would feel sorry for this abuser, but here I am torn to pieces over this. My parents are thrilled that the abuser is (hopefully) going to be prosecuted and they are 1000% supportive but their words just don't help. I will not back down from the investigation, but I'm having a lot of difficulty coping with the situation. I fear retaliation from my aunt or the abuser and I know that my extended family will be divided on this issue because my aunts and uncles live in the same town and are very close.

Can anyone slap me with a reality check so I can handle my emotions? I was totally unprepared for the possibility that I would feel bad for my abuser. Has anyone gone through something similar or experienced similar emotions after naming their abuser?

[Open Eyes]

Oh ((((Firestorm)))) I am so sorry you are going through this. Welcome to PC and I am sure others will be very supportive with you. You can come and vent as you need to and don't be worried about being judged, others here will understand and can relate.

Guilt is actually a normal response in this type of situation. Actually, about a month ago a good number of the Bill Cosby victims sat in an interview and every one of them talked about this guilt you are discribing and they also dicussed why they did not "tell". Actually, a few of them did tell their agent who replied to them that no one will believe them so they better forget it and move on. Bill Cosby, even with so many women coming forward is still denying it and even "his" wife is standing by him. This is something some wives do, they believe the abuser, they choose to remain in denial.

Abusers typically blame their victims, and Bill Cosby was no exception. He was so confident that he would choose to insist on blaming his victims to their face too. He had a family too, his own family choose to take the denial route.

The person who is responsible ALWAYS is the ABUSER. If there is anger, discomfort and hurt in his own family IT IS HIS FAULT NOT YOURS. It doesn't matter who gets angry, what people choose to stand in denial, who will not talk to who anymore because all of that is THE ABUSER'S FAULT.

You have your parents on your side, that is what is important. Abusers can seem nice, smart, upstanding in a lot of ways, they are good at convincing others it can't be them but instead is the victim's fault, that the victim is lying or attention seeking in some way. Sadly, as I have seen take place myself, PEOPLE DO CHOOSE TO BELIEVE THE ABUSER. Often an abuser will have a charm about him, will seem safe, even to other individuals that have been victims by other people, they can even comfort these people and they feel he is a "nice guy". And sometimes these people will play along with an abuser in partake in ganging up on the victim to upset the victim too. I have had that happen myself. The abuser is SO GOOD at turning it around and acting like "they" are the victim, they can be very convincing IT'S PRETTY DISGUSTING.

You have to do what is right, you know you were victimized and while it can be hard (as all the victims of Bill Cosby do say), you are doing the right thing by telling the truth.

Think about this, there are over 50 women who were victims of Bill Cosby, 50. None of them knew each other, only a few told their agents who told them no one would believe them. You are doing the right thing because it is possible this individual molested others too. And, now that you have made this KNOWN, this abuser will be impaired if he tries to abuse again. Typically, these individuals have abused more than one, especially when they get away with it.

Do not self blame or allow yourself to feed into the guilt, it is normal to feel guilt though.
You have to self comfort and understand you are having a normal reaction and that it is not your fault.

(((Caring Supportive Hugs)))
OE

[starfruit504]

This is a terrible situation that your uncle created. Your abuser ruined his own life, he wrecked his own marriage, he tore his family apart and he deeply and irrevocably violated you. He knew what he was doing was wrong. You are in no way responsible for what happened or how your family members deal with it.

Feeling guilt is normal. All of us in this forum have felt the guilt that should belong to our abuser. It's how we are, it's who we are but we all have to learn to let it go, put it down, it's not ours to carry.

Sounds like you have a very smart, very loving father. You did the right thing 100 percent. I'm so happy you're going to see some actual legal justice, that's not always available to a victim. What's more: You SAVED potential victims. When we don't speak up, when we just ignore our gut instincts, more children are hurt, more people become victims. You are strong, brave, heroic. You've made the world a safer place and you've made your family safer too. You inspire me.

What you've done is not just hard, it's impossible. You may not feel proud about that now, but one day you will. No matter what your family doles out, no matter what misdirected hostility comes your way, they are wrong. Some folks show their true colors in times of crisis and some people won't be on your side. You don't need them. You need support and it sounds like you've got some great parents. Take solace in that. Anyone else who is angry with you can be as grumpy and fussy as they want, they certainly won't commit a crime against you because they know you're not gonna take it -- you're the family member who prosecutes. The buck stops with you.

You feel bad for your abuser because you're a good person and you actually take responsibility. You don't want to hurt anybody. You just want to live and love your life. That's a wonderful thing. Your abuser isn't a good person. They live their life to victimize others, they rob others of joy to suit their own needs, they don't care about how other people feel or how their actions can injure a person so deeply. He doesn't deserve your sympathy. He ruined his own life.

Again: You've saved potential victims. You are much stronger than most people. You've inspired me today and I thank you for that.

[starfruit504]

Also: My abuser was my dad. I feel guilty about cutting off contact with him every day. I can't help but think of the handful of good things he did or stop feeling a sense of duty because I'm his daughter. I wrestle with it a lot -- but it GETS EASIER. Every day it's a little easier not to feel the guilt.

[Open Eyes]

I just wanted to add here that one of the problems that takes place and one big reason Abusers often get believed over the victim is that the Abuser tends to act more rational.
Ofcourse the Abuser acts more rational because he/or she doesn't really FEEL GUILTY and is NOT THE TRUE VICTIM.

People NOTORIOUSLY fall for believing the Abuser because of how the Abuser can exhibit rational behaviors EVEN UNDER PRESSURE. People tend to think the Abuser is the better because "gee that individual can be so calm". Bill Cosby has shown this calm, in fact MANY guilty individuals have shown a calm and seemingly rational upstanding persona. People nortoriously fall for that which is why these individuals get away with so much, and many of these Abusers can be VERY CHARMING. No, they have two sides to them, like Sandusky, Cosby and so many others.

[Firestorm2018]

Wow, I thank all of you for your kind and thoughtful responses. I feel so much better already and will keep all that you've said in my mind when I feel weak. Thanks again, you all have no idea how much you've helped.

[Stava]

I agree with what's been said. HE ruined HIS life. It's unfortunate for his family that he chose to do that. There is no clean, perfect way to get through the process. Do the best you can and spend time with loving supportive people.

It's natural to feel guilt. I did as well. Part of the reason for blaming ourselves is because it helps the world to continue to make sense. It's sometimes less painful to blame ourselves rather than to face the fact that the world isn't fair and that people can be cruel for no reason. That we can be abused simply because we're in proximity to an abusive person. We want to believe that we have control over whether we're abused or not, and will even blame ourselves for the abuse in order to maintain that illusion.

Think about knee-jerk reactions people tend to have when they hear of a woman being abused in some way. Many want to believe she was partly at fault because the alternative is horrific. Horrific to realize that it could literally happen to anyone for no reason at all. They want to think that she deserved it in some way so that they can tell themselves that it would never happen otherwise. That only people who deserve to be abused are abused so that they can tell themselves they are safe from it.

And it's very, very, very likely that he had prior victims before you. If he wasn't caught he'd also have victims after you. You are likely to be saving someone else from a lot of pain by bringing his actions to light.

Some may side with him. Abusers generally don't look like monsters and people don't want to believe they are just like everyone else. Abusers can also do nice things in the community, yet hurt others behind closed doors. Doing good deeds doesn't make the abuse ok.

Try not to worry about any siding with him. You need only your own love of yourself. Love and support from anyone else is just a nice bonus.