[crhaehnd]

Hello, I just turned 18. and male. I Was Sexually Threatened and Abused over 20 times by a 25 year old guy who was a friends cousin when i was 13,

he made me drink alcohol before he did anything to me. and it did stop a few months later after i tried to over dose on tylonal and being hospitalized for 3 days, but i never told anyone about him i was to scared and embarrassed to, so i just kept it in. after he stopped i continued to drink, i was almost 14 at this time i was drinking about 70 shots a week. from another friends brother who would buy it for me.

i was a freshmen in h-school and i would come to school after drinking a pint or skip school. and started to become angry at everyone and cuss people out online and in person for no reason, so i started to lose all my friends i was still drinking everyday, but now i was about half way threw h-school failing almost all my classes i started to getting caught drunk. and my parents pulled me out. to put me in a alternative school i was about 14 and a half at this point but the waiting list was about 8 months so i just stayed at home all day drinking, but at this point it did not really help so i would start to plan ways to die.

the easiest way i thought was to overdose, so i did i mixed a bunch of pills with alcohol and ended up in the hospital this time i told them i wanted to die so they sent me to a mental hospital i was there for about 7 days they put me on ssir antidepressants but they didn't really make me feel any different. when i got out, i just felt worse and wanted to go drink but at this time my friends would not talk to me or get me alcohol, so i was clean for about a couple months i am about 3 months into being 15 now.

But i could not handle being sober so i Googled ways to get drunk. and i saw mouthwash, so i tried it it got me a little drunk but i did not like the bathroom vistes it caused me. so i kept looking and came across a bottle of hand sanitizer and saw that it had alcohol in it. so i googled how to drink it and it came up with the salt method were it makes the gel into a liquid, so i tried it and it tasted horrible but it got me wasted i loved that feeling again, so i continued to drink that the get by i drank about 150 8oz bottles up tell i was 16. my parents knew and tried to make me stop but i would ride my bike at night and steal it or buy it.

i am 16 now i really didn't feel at this point all i wanted to do was get drunk. but at this point i would get drunk and get really depressed when i got drunk and try to kill myself threw 14 - 17 i was hospitalized by me overdosing. (i drank 750 ml rubbing alcohol twice) i took alot of welbutrin and alcohol) (a bottle of allergy pills and alcohol) (just overdose on alcohol) i was in 3 different mental hospitals for about a week at a time. 8 different times) i was put on like 11 different anti depressants and other medicine threw this but nothing worked. i was about 16 and a half now and still drinking hand sanitizer but this time i was caught by the police and got a mip and court date. got on probation violated it right at first by drinking when to juvie for a week. some ups and down after the 3rd juvie vist.

my probation made me go to a counselor and stuff and i finnaly told my counsler about that guy who abused me, and they told my parents and my parents called the police. it took about a month but a investigation was opened and they looked him up did some research and we did a phone call to him with the police recording him to confess or say he did it, he answered he did not confess perfectly that he did but it hinted in a way to get him in jail for a felony trial. the trail took about 3 months i had to go in front of a judge and give my testimony. they pressed him into getting a plea bargain of 2 years min and 10 years max. instead of going to trail sense there was no real evidence that he did it. but he is in prison now.

i am 17 now going threw probation by a level up system. my counselor went with me to get a job at tacobell i got the job, i only drank like one time every two weeks at this point, but i started working it was stressful at first but i only worked like 7 hours a week to start. it was hard but i finally stopped drinking at this point. i finished probation and graduated hschool barley from a online program threw the school.

I just turned 18 recently. i have not drank alcohol in 9 months. i still have my job at tacobell, and live at home. i am working about 30 hours a week just as of 3 weeks ago. but my parents are tried of me and are kicking me out in 2 months and have a date that i will have to leave by.

but right now i always feel nervous about everything. i can not handle barley any stress or i feel like and some times do break down crying when stressed or get very depressive thoughts. i don't have any friends really i just stay home i feel scared to go out and talk to any one i feel they are judging me. i don't have any interest in anything really i don't know what i want to do with my life i feel like i can not do it i contently worried about everything i feel like there is something wrong with me and i don't fit in anywhere. and i don't care about my future really or care about myself. the only way i can go out to work or to a store is if i drink alot of caffeine with some sort legal energy supplements i take. i also been prescribed Gabapentin for about a year its the only medicine i take. i take 800mg 4x a day. they don't really work anymore. i can not talk to new people.

i am even afraid to talk to people i don't know on facebook i get this bad feeling inside when i try so i stop and don't. i have no friends half the people at work do not like me. i even feel horrible in the morning when i wake up really nerves and uneven when i wake up. alot of legal stimulants give me the push to handle work. if i don't use any i just feel like giving up and just walking out over and over in my head and i have before. i do not have a plan for my future its like i don't care and can not push myself into making one if i do i get scared about it and stop. and every time i had a plan for anything i contently think about it and worried about it. even if it is something i would enjoy that makes it worse,
when a plan falls threw that i was really looking forward to i get a bad feeling and feel like its the end of the world and feel like crying. and get negative thoughts about my life . any little stress can make me think about killing myself.

right now i really do not know who i am or what i am going to do i get scared about everything. what is wrong with meeee

[Lauru]

I would like to write more to you, but right now I am really not in a good space myself. But I send you many hugs

You are having a very hard time, but it will get better. I was in your place at your age. Get more help. Talk more to therapist and psychiatrist about meds and feelings. Keep posting. We are all here for you.

You have made a lot of progress. Still, there is a way to go. I think a good thing to do would be to take up hobbies. For you, I would recommend something physical like joining a gym or getting a bike. Exercise is a great way to work off anxiety and to meet others. The improved physique it will give you will make you more physically attractive to others and increase your confidence. Joining a gym will also give you a place to go to get out of your parent's home instead of sitting in your room.

Try to rent a room so that you have a place to live. Maybe you can look into going to a community college to earn a degree? A public service job of some sort may also be appropriate. Try to see things in small pieces rather than large overwhelming projects. That will lessen anxiety. All the best to you!

[Sannah]

Hi cr, welcome to PC. Sounds like you need to get a therapist in order to work through what happened to you. Do you think that your anxiety comes from not feeling safe in the world because of what happened to you?