[Rachel.i]

I put this in another post on a long thread someone else started on emotional abuse. Hoping others can share some ways they've found to deal with the aftereffects of emotional abuse and/or neglect:

One thing I've found helpful is to keep a list on my computer of pointers, quotes, and notes that I come across in life or from reading. I add to it regularly, then read it from time to time or whenever I need to. It helps remind me of ways to cope, how my thinking may be wrong in some area, or just about things, about life, or emotional skills that I wasn't taught growing up.

[geez]

I didn't cope in the best of ways. I coped through light drugs and alcohol in my teens/early twenties and food I've used from the age of 8. Food has been my #1 go to for comfort which is why I was obese/morbidly obese for the majority of my life until now. Old habits are hard to replace with good ones in some instances as I still fight the urge to binge eat at times when emotions come to the surface. I've spent a part of my 'growing up time' growing up in therapy. - to help nurture the inner me that was never nurtured or felt loved.

[Rachel.i]

Hi Geez, I too used to cope with light drugs and booze in my teens and 20's. Food too, for a much longer period. And in the past year or so I started wanting to drink at home alone, which I never had done before. My husband makes wine and I started getting into it more and more until it was becoming a problem. But I scared myself enough with one incident that it made me quit.

You are exactly right that old habits can be hard to replace. I occasionally do get the urge to drink or overeat still, as a way to escape painful feelings. Sometimes it is so hard to not give in, but of course after the "buzz" is gone, everything just feels worse, with a higher hill to climb.

It sounds like you have lost a lot of weight. Congratulations! That is a very hard thing to do.

[Leed]

I didn't cope well either. Just like my mother, I became an alcoholic. In fact both my parents were alcoholic. So I followed in their footsteps. I was the only one of 4 girls who drank. So i was the black sheep -- I was always the black sheep.

I began drinking when I was 18, even tho it wasn't legal. I got married at 18, and my husband was 21 so he would buy the beer for me. I REALLY liked it, and would drink a whole 6 pack in no time. I'd only do this about once or twice a week. Slowly but surely it increased tho, and my husband began drinking more too. We started partying, and by the time I was in my mid 20's I was a full blown alcoholic. I drank for over 20 years, and HEAVILY.

I went thru therapy and was drinking while I was in therapy -- but I didn't tell the therapist. All I wanted to do was find out what was "wrong" with me -- of course if I'd been honest, it would have helped. I had a "nervous breakdown" and committed myself to a mental hospital. I stayed for 2 weeks. I didn't have any trouble not drinking during that time so I guess I hadn't gone too far over the line with drinking.

My psychiatrist MADE me write a letter to my mother regarding all the fights and arguments my parents did, plus the fact that they never paid attention to us. And she made me MAIL it -- the reply I got was that my mother basically pooh-poohed it all, and said she didn't think anything bothered us kids. Good grief !!! So I got NO validation at all. None.

I came to realize later that my parents gave ME what their parents had given THEM -- which was basically nothing! They couldn't give me something that they didn't have. They never learned emotional love or physical hugs, etc. They didn't know how to do that, and it was very uncomfortable to them. I realized that when I went to hug my Dad, and he wouldn't push me away, but he'd kind of feel very closed off -- yet he'd appreciate it if you can understand that. So instead of making him uncomfortable, I'd kiss him on the head. LOL And my Mother -- I'd just hug her whether she liked it or not.
Eventually they learned that it wasn't BAD to give & take physical love from their kids.

As for me -- I don't think I ever fully got over my childhood, as my sister was a huge abuser, and she's never acknowledged it, apologized, or given any explanation for it. She only abused me -- not sexually, but emotionally and physically. I recently wrote to her demanding an explanation -- but I haven't heard a word and don't expect to. But i think just writing to her helped to put an end to it. I doubt I'll ever hear from her again, whick is ok with me.

God bless everyone!!! And please take care of YOU. Hug, Lee

[Sannah]

Hi Rachel, can you get a therapist and work through this?

[Rachel.i]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hi Rachel, can you get a therapist and work through this?

Hi Sannah, thanks for the reply. Yes, I do have a therapist. We talk mostly about my ingrained responses because of being pretty heavily emotionally abused, and how I can change them. The therapy does help some, but I only see her every 2-3 weeks (insurance limits). And I have changed a lot, gotten much better in some ways since I left home many years ago at 17, but still have stuff to work on.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Rachel.i

We talk mostly about my ingrained responses because of being pretty heavily emotionally abused, and how I can change them.

Are you getting insight into why and how you developed these responses and are you able to release the emotions surrounding the past in session?

[Rachel.i]

Sannah, thanks for the reply. I've had insight for a long time, even while it was happening... when I was 14 the cruelty was just so relentless I remember thinking "He is making a neurotic mess out of me." The feelings took longer. First to go was most of the anger, luckily. The sadness has lessened a lot but sometimes lingers.

What is hard is the "muscle memory" of the mind... to change that. There have been studies shown that abuse does physically alter the brain. But it seems that new experiences, and there is some evidence for this also, could help rewire it too. The frustrating part, of course, is fear of/bad anxiety/just not knowing how to deal with or approach situations out of my comfort zone.

Well, that was a long answer to your question!

[Sannah]

It was a good answer! I really believe in rewiring. I've done a lot of it. What I did was try things that I thought were healthy but I was having trouble with and worked through that until I was successful. What I found is that the past left messages and I had to uncover those and understand how the past affected me today. Once I worked through this I was able to build a healthy life.

[Rachel.i]

True, Sannah, I have to try things that are healthy until I am successful, and build on that. Staying in a some kind of cocoon gets me nowhere.

I think I was a lot worse in some ways when I was younger, certainly in terms of having negative or extremely anxious, visceral, responses to certain situations or people.

Not to make light of PTSD, but I am certain I had, maybe still have, some. The stress in my childhood and adolesence was just more than my brain could process, and I knew it at the time too, though back then my goal was mainly survival.

I remember times when it all just seemed, and I felt, unreal... though i knew it was so and what I was feeling was a means of detaching.

Still, as is said, the way out is through. I have to keep trying if I ever will have the life I really want.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Rachel.i

True, Sannah, I have to try things that are healthy until I am successful, and build on that. Staying in a some kind of cocoon gets me nowhere.

I think I was a lot worse in some ways when I was younger, certainly in terms of having negative or extremely anxious, visceral, responses to certain situations or people.

Not to make light of PTSD, but I am certain I had, maybe still have, some. The stress in my childhood and adolesence was just more than my brain could process, and I knew it at the time too, though back then my goal was mainly survival.

I remember times when it all just seemed, and I felt, unreal... though i knew it was so and what I was feeling was a means of detaching.

Still, as is said, the way out is through. I have to keep trying if I ever will have the life I really want.

I feel like you are writing my story! Does your t specialize in trauma or is familiar with PTSD or C-PTSD?

[Rachel.i]

Originally Posted by geez

I feel like you are writing my story! Does your t specialize in trauma or is familiar with PTSD or C-PTSD?

Hi Geez, I'm sorry you have a similar story. :/ Also for the belated reply, haven't been posting on much on PC lately.

No, my therapist doesn't specialize in PTSD. I'm not sure what C-PTSD is.

At our appointment last week I asked her if she thought I had PTSD. She said she wouldn't be surprised, but later said that some 80% of people have suffered trauma. I knew what she meant because no one gets through life without some trauma, but I meant the kind that is just unrelenting and can be overwhelming.

She prefers to focus on what and how I can change ingrained patterns and such, and is pretty good I think, but I have wondered before if a specialist in PTSD might help.

Then again, I have read that PTSD can be very hard to overcome, so I've also wondered if just a good all-around therapist like mine would suffice.

[edward6]

I was abused to the point of feeling terror when I was a child. I thought it was all my fault, and I deserved it, but as I matured, I realized how messed up those two were, and it was their fault, not mine. They were just two kooks who had kids together. They weren't gods. I finally realized that if I didn't let them go, as in forgive them, I would spend the rest of my life feeling abused by people who don't exist. My bonds had become self-imposed, and it was my response ability to break them. I still feel anger, from time to time, but I didn't ask for those nutballs, so I won't give them more than a moment's space in my mind.

[Rainthatfalls]

I was emotionally abused by my mum for quite a bit. My mother wasn't much of a normal one, she'd just sit on the couch, play flash games on her laptop, and smoke. Sometimes she'd have a beer with her, sometimes she wouldn't. I would sit next to her for hours watching her play flash games which probably sparked my interest for the Internet in the first place, which I'm grateful for now. I was a picky eater when I was little, and I still kind of am. I hated so many different kinds of foods and refused to try them. After a while, my mother got sick of making food work to my 'standards' and so she would just stuff the food in my mouth by force. Like literally open my mouth, shove the food inside, then cover my mouth and nose so I'd be forced to swallow. I've always been afraid of somehow setting her off, especially about food. I can't remember the last time I've asked, "What's for dinner?" for the fear she'd get angry at me.

Whenever I'm upset or thinking of my mum, I usually listen to music or write about what I'm thinking of. Sometimes I sleep or do homework to fill my time. I rarely go see other people about it- I hate it when I get emotional or talk about something personal around someone else. It doesn't matter who, I still don't trust anyone with something like that. The only time I've cried in front of someone in the past 5 years almost completely destroyed my self-esteem. I felt so ashamed and stupid for having done that, and I still do. So all in all, I just try to take my mind off it. It really does help to have friends around you when you're going through something. You don't have to tell them anything, but I can never keep thinking about anything that has happened to me around them. If you do want someone to talk to, but are too scared to bring it up, then you don't have to. Just knowing that they're right there are available to talk to helps me if I ever think I need it.

[viryan23]

HI!

It's been a long way process for me. At first it is so hard to understand things why did they happen to me, but then I realized in order for me to cope up with it, I must learn to accept it, and learn from it. and I always ask myself, what will happen to me if I will let my past hunt me, and then I realized, it will bring no good. So I decided to open myself to positive changes.

my mother had a thing for sexual shame.
she used to make me stand outside naked.
at 7 years old, this affected my personality development severely.
she didn't care who she did this in front of. I still have childhood friends who love to remind me of it. it was almost 40 years ago but I'm still affected by it.
I wasn't accepted with clothes or without clothes, just rejected. just laughed at and mocked. everyone I know has power over me because they knew what I look like naked. they also talked about it openly in front of me caring about my embarrassment and shame.

1 of the ways I began coping with this was to "mimic" other people's personalities. I still do it to this day.
I'm in the way they talked, walked, their clothes...etc... I always mimic the most socially accepted person. it didn't matter if the person with male or female.. I am a man that is made up of both male and female personality traits, mannerisms and emotions.
I catch myself thinking if I can just be like that man I can have a girlfriend like he has because I like the way I see her treating him.
I also catch myself thinking if I can be like her I will always have an inner nurturer.
ultimately though I never get to really know who I am or who I would have been if the need for that coping strategy didn't exist.

I would also try to make myself as ugly as possible tp cope with the effects of the sexual abuse.
I didn't go through puberty until I was 20. however girls were interested in me before then. because I didn't wanna end up in a sexual situation with any of the girls and risk them finding out that I had not gone through puberty yet, I would make myself look ugly.
Once i did reach puberty at 20 years old I celebrated that I become a man. whatever that was.
I realize all the hard work I put into making myself look ugly actually paid off. I was in fact ugly.
I'm 46 years old and I still hate looking in the mirror.
there are ways that I cope with that.
coping begets coping begets coping

GB

For many, many years I was able to block it out, think it was "normal", otherwise discount most of it. And, of course now, life and things that have happened have brought it back full circle, and here I am.....

[Rachel.i]

Originally Posted by edward6

I was abused to the point of feeling terror when I was a child. I thought it was all my fault, and I deserved it, but as I matured, I realized how messed up those two were, and it was their fault, not mine. They were just two kooks who had kids together. They weren't gods. I finally realized that if I didn't let them go, as in forgive them, I would spend the rest of my life feeling abused by people who don't exist. My bonds had become self-imposed, and it was my response ability to break them. I still feel anger, from time to time, but I didn't ask for those nutballs, so I won't give them more than a moment's space in my mind.

Just saw some new posts on this thread... don't know why, but my notifications aren't working right.

Sorry Edward6, that you went through that. I too, was abused to the point of terror. I was actually sent away to live elsewhere when I was 16 because my mother was afraid my father might kill me when she was at work (he was that violent).

And I, too, learned to forgive. I know what you mean about the bonds being self-imposed. I've broken a lot of them, but still have some to go.