Abuse and rape...addiction?

I know it's weird, but I love being physically or sexually abused. I'm emotionally unstable. And I don't take verbal abuse well. But I'm addicted to to being hurt by someone, or by myself.

My last boyfriend was three times my size. I'm not very big. But he was not small either. At first he was jut a sweet boyfriend. But then he found out I cut. Turns out he use to also. He was spending the night this one time, and we were laying in bed talking.
(promising to wait til marriage to have sex, everything else was free game)
Then he started touching me inappropriately. I was scared stiff at first but then he told me he loved me. (And of coarse I melted) then the next time he pinned me down and I couldn't move. This is when he started to scare me. He said he could do anything and I couldn't help it. (Which was true) I tried to push him away but nothing happened. He pushed all of the breath out of me and I started to black out. But right before I did he stopped. Right then something snapped in me. I loved the feeling of almost passing out. I became more aggressive. And he liked that.
As time passed he became more abusive and rough. And I let it happen. He would pin me against a wall, pressing is thumb into my pelvis(pressure point), while his other hand held my throat in a strangling manner. He would do this while very roughly making out with me.
Sometimes I thought he wouldn't let go. And I was going to suffocate. But that was part of the addict ing rush.
It got worse, but my love stuck mind didn't notice it at the time. When he fingered me, I thought he was being sexy and lovely. But eventually it went a little far.
One night we seemed really not himself. He pinned me down on the couch. And (as we often did) he teasingly started to take of my cloths. We both had very disturbed fantasies at the time and sometimes lived them out. But anyway, after I was stripped down, he unbuckled his belt. This was a little red flag in my head. I froze like an idiot and couldn't have moved if I was on fire. He pinned me down with his free hand while he revealed himself with his other hand. I closed my eyes in fear of what was to come. Skipping the details..... Next thing I knew I was laying helplessly on the couch. Traumatized by what he did. He dumped me and never spoke to me again. He took my V-card when he left. The scary thing is. I liked being raped O.O
Ever since then my depression, cutting, and multiple mental issue have gotten worse.
I enjoy hurting myself. And I miss him hurting me.

WHAT CAN I DO TO STOP THIS ?

Therapy would be helpful.

Just because you liked it doesn't make it ok. Just because your body responded the way nature intended doesn't make it acceptable for him to do that to you.

See T. I really think it would help. It would give you a safe space to say what you wanted to and explore why you things are the way they are. T's not so bad you know. Been there, to often.

You really need help. I used to bed my brother to punch me.. and i let people abuse me too. Therapy is reallly helping tho and im glad that that part of my life is over

Definitely see your therapist I was diagnosed with sexual sadism which very closely describes what you liked to experience but it had got to a point where it became too far. I was losing myself more than anyone else I was with and it scared me to hell I wish that on no one you CAN get better no matter what you may be thinking.

Thanks everyone. But the real question should be... How do I get a T? It's not easy asking for help ya know...

Your dad is physically abusing you so he won't be up for you getting a T. Like I said on the other thread, getting child protection to intervene will get the abuse to stop and will get you therapy.

I can't see a therapist, either.

I was date-r***ed in 2007 by a fellow patient during psych treatment. No one believed me or tried to separate us and he kept following me around the hospital.

I don't have the kind of money for sa therapy and all the mental health clinics are closed down here because of budget problems.

But you are talking on here, and so am I and that is a good kind of help, too.

You...did...not...deserve...what...he...did...to...you...*and*...I...did...not...deserve...what...my...former...bf...did...to...me...either.

this is not love. Our bf's did not love us. It's hurting, not love.

I am sorry this happened and I hope you can eventually realize that this is not what happens in a healthy relationship!

He was guilty, you were not. You were innocent.

Keep talking about it; break the silence.

We care!

Carol

Good point...but he also thinking I'm messed up so he probably would be up for it if they said they could fix me... CPS would take me out of my home. And my family would be on the streets port. My dad is the only one who has a job. My mom couldn't even by groceries when he stopped giving us money.

It's hard. And I'm starting a new school soon so can have a school therapist to talk to.

Carol, <3 thank you