[ThisWayOut]

I'm trying to be ok with a comment a friend made on fb, as she has every right to be upset by my comment... but it's hard. A few days ago I had been having a really rough week, and I was tired of being told to turn to religion. My defenses were down and I was raw. The last straw was when a friend of my wife's commented for the umpteenth time to "Let go & let god" and that everything happens for a reason, and that I should "pray" about my situation... That last sentiment triggered such a deep hurt and rejection, I lost all cool and composure. I ranted long and hard about how a belief in a god does not make everything better... I was rude and disrespectful and cursed a lot... I can understand that people would be hurt, but I didn't care. I was tired and hurt myself... My wife said that she would take it down in the morning (it was on a status she had put up) because she did not want her mom to be mad at me for not only cursing, but putting religion down... I was fine with it. I got out my rant and could care less if if was up any longer than that... She never did take it down. I'm not quite sure why, maybe it was the strong responses in both directions about what I said, maybe she just forgot and then thought it was up for that long, might as well leave it... whatever. It is still there. Anyway, a friend of mine read it and was very insulted and hurt by it. She made a comment to that effect on her page, but without mentioning who the comment was directed to. She was very respectful and did a great job communicating her displeasure with my stance (and insults) on something she holds dear.
I shouldn't be hurt or bothered by this. I shouldn't feel the way I do about it. But then why can't I shake it?
I am triggered by religion and inaction/intolerance/hate spewed in the name of religion because of my experience with one individual, and later with a "spiritual" experience... The first person I ever confided in about the abuse and violence going on at home (and my resulting depression and hopelessness) simply told me to "Just pray about it, and god will help you out"... I had just told her that I feared for my mom's life, I felt suicidal, and was terrified to be home every day of my life, and she told me to pray about it... That was such a let-down. Everywhere they encourage you to tell someone when things like this are going on, and when I did, I was offered no help. It was a guidance counselor at school mind you, a mandated reporter even back then... I felt so abandoned and lost in that moment. My hate for religion grew from there. The ignorance and uncaring she displayed made me feel totally alone. To this day I have trouble asking for help, and believing that anyone with any power to do something will actually do anything to help (well, that and the countless times the police were called to diffuse a situation at home...). I don't trust easily, so when I went to her with that information, my little bit of trust crumbled to dust in the moment of her indifference...
I know most people today have no clue why I feel so strongly against any organized religion. I haven't told many people. I definitely keep my mental health and abuse history off of fb (it is not the place for things like that)... I know this friend has no idea why I said what I did, she is just insulted by it... I should be able to take that at face value and move on, as I know I was rude with it... but it just feeds my rejection and feelings of neglect from so long ago. And now I want to be stubborn and not apologize or remove it because it triggered my rebellious side, and I want to stomp my feet and scream that I am right, but only because I don't want to tell why I really feel that way. I don't want to spill that my 1)abuse 2)was not stopped by someone who was supposed to help, but 3)instead thought I should turn to "god" to better my situation. I don't want to explain myself, I just want to be mad about it, because I have a right to be mad. I know I should have done it more tactfully, but I was hurt... All I ever do is apologize for holding the hurt in until it gets too much and I burst. I play nice and respectful and pleasant, and no one gets it. They keep at it... They insist that I am wrong and stupid and should "give my life to god", but they don't hear my protests when I am nice. They don't respect my pleas to stop hitting me over the head with that. So I snap, and I revert to being 3 and screaming whatever I want, however I need to in order to be heard.
I don't like hurting people. I don't like insulting them or their beliefs. But I can't bring myself to apologize for my rant, or to back-track and say it nicer just to appease everyone. But that too is an internal conflict. The part of me that strives to please everyone all the time and be pc and nice really wants to take down the comment and apologize for insulting everyone. The 3 year old in me wants to sit there, stick my tongue out and say "Good!" (now you can be as hurt as I was)... It makes me want to cut and cry and break things. It makes me want to hide and delete fb all together... It makes me hate myself for being hurtful... but it makes me feel good too. And that scares me. I never want to be someone who hurts others because she is hurt... I don't want to be my dad... I never want to be my dad...

[Sannah]

Hi MRain, welcome to PC. I'm sorry that all that happened to you. You certainly deserved better. I think that people need to let others say their viewpoint and not be offended. Your viewpoint shouldn't have anything to do with them. This is America. Funny how people don't really want to tolerate free speech.

[yellowted]

well said Sannah! Personally it really frustrates me when people think praying and trusting in a god no one can prove ever existed is the answer to everything, believe me I prayed a lifetime of prayers on many occasions and never once did it make any difference and in fact every time the exact opposite or worse was the result! so I have no reason at all to believe anything at all about any religion and actually pity those who put their trust in their god as they will only be disappointed in the end

[Inedible]

Originally Posted by MdngtRain

The last straw was when a friend of my wife's commented for the umpteenth time to "Let go & let god" and that everything happens for a reason, and that I should "pray" about my situation... That last sentiment triggered such a deep hurt and rejection, I lost all cool and composure.

It is like the advice to stop and count to ten, but it takes longer. Or maybe it is like the advice to stop and take a deep breath. It gives you something to do that acknowledges how you feel while getting you to stop and take a step back from your situation. It is a way to (ideally) give emotion a chance to cool down so you can think about a different approach to your situation.

[Harley47]

Well said Sannah.

I myself am Christian, and I go to church as regularly as my college and work schedule will allow. While I do think that God is able to solve any problem under His watch, for sure, I don't think that the responses you got are appropriate. The problem, in my opinion, is that people tend to forget that God uses His followers, the very same people telling you to "go pray," to do His work. :/ If you see someone suffering as a Christian (or really, as a decent human being...Christianity has nothing to do with humanity in cases like that), you help them...that is the right thing to do. :/

I certainly understand a dislike of the church as an organized institution...indeed, I see quite a bit of hypocrisy myself, and I understand and respect your viewpoint. I'm only sorry that people "of faith" have consistently let you down so.

As far as your friend who got offended, I don't think you need to recant your position, per se. I think if she understood the circumstances a little better, she'd understand. From her perspective, she's likely viewing this as a random outburst, I would think, or otherwise doesn't understand what a well-meaning-yet-lazy/callous "go pray" means to you. I think if she understood your angle and why you made your post, she'd understand. That doesn't mean disclosing the abuse, nor does it mean that you have to swallow back down what you're feeling, nor making it a public matter. I'd simply PM her, tell her why you did as you did, and that you value her friendship. That's me, at any rate.

I do hope I was of some help. Take care, and I hope things work out.

Hugs,
Harley

[LookingforCalm]

MdngtRain, I completely understand where you're coming from. I grew up pretty much just like you, only in a fundamentalist church in Texas. Everything was fire and brimstone, worthy of death. Everything you did was wrong; even thinking things that might be wrong, was well, wrong! And you were going to hell for it, or going to Heaven to answer to God as to why you did everything while watching a movie of yourself of everything you did! And then you went to hell...

I too have trouble with "faith". I too told a "trusted" clergyperson's wife that we were being abused at home, only to have her go to my mother. My life as a child was even MORE hell because that person betrayed me when I was asking for help.

Believe me - I bet you and I could write a book on what religion has done to us! But I digress...

As for what you said, let's not read into that anymore. You did it, it's on there, and if you want to apologize to that particular person then you should but I would do it via private message. Don't explain much, just tell her you'd had it that night and you're sorry for offending her.

[astenon]

I'm in the UK and my perception of some of the US is that it is very religious and people believe fervently in the teachings in the Bible. It sounds to me that you live in one of these areas. I have always been nervous of this sort of devotion to the church though as my father is a Catholic, went to church, listened to all the teachings and then occasionally came home and beat me if he felt I'd been naughty. I don't want to call it abuse given what some of the people on this site have had to live through, but I guess it was by the definition. I found it very hypocritical as the teachings never seemed to be reflected in real-life - I thought this was the point?!

Unfortunately, I'm coming the the conclusion that religion is somewhat like Marmite - you either love it or you hate it. Those that love it find great peace, support and lots of other feelings I can't name (having a brain fart!). Those that don't love religion are left feeling slightly bewildered by those that love it. What both sides occasionally forget is that neither approach is actually wrong. What may work for one person doesn't necessarily work for another though.

What I think I'm saying is that, due to your location, you're more likely to find people that place great emphasis on the church in their life. Whilst the recommendations of the people you're talking to is rather frustrating to you, try not to let it form into anger or other negative emotions. They want you to find the comfort in the church that they have found. Unfortunately, it's just not for you though.

Hope that made sense.

Originally Posted by yellowted

well said Sannah! Personally it really frustrates me when people think praying and trusting in a god no one can prove ever existed is the answer to everything, believe me I prayed a lifetime of prayers on many occasions and never once did it make any difference and in fact every time the exact opposite or worse was the result! so I have no reason at all to believe anything at all about any religion and actually pity those who put their trust in their god as they will only be disappointed in the end

yeah, me too, I've been in a church where i thought people were going to be nice and everything. well they and nonchristians are just alike. i mean, they cuss, hate, and stuff, and these are just things that humans do. makes no difference to me if they are christian or not. but there are only a few that are well behaved. these christians have made me feel like i was ready to just fall into depression when suddenly i pulled myself together. i stopped attending and then things got back to normal. today i heard someone talking about church and stuff and i got really sad i started crying in the restroom because it reminded me of all the pain that i had suffered there. so when they say that nonchristians are immoral, i think they're wrong. they are just as bad for excluding me and for giving me attitudes. i've met tons of those, and when you talk to them, they think they're all good and don't want to talk to you. i am so glad that i don't have to be stuck in that church anymore.

Originally Posted by astenon

I'm in the UK and my perception of some of the US is that it is very religious and people believe fervently in the teachings in the Bible. It sounds to me that you live in one of these areas. I have always been nervous of this sort of devotion to the church though as my father is a Catholic, went to church, listened to all the teachings and then occasionally came home and beat me if he felt I'd been naughty. I don't want to call it abuse given what some of the people on this site have had to live through, but I guess it was by the definition. I found it very hypocritical as the teachings never seemed to be reflected in real-life - I thought this was the point?!

Unfortunately, I'm coming the the conclusion that religion is somewhat like Marmite - you either love it or you hate it. Those that love it find great peace, support and lots of other feelings I can't name (having a brain fart!). Those that don't love religion are left feeling slightly bewildered by those that love it. What both sides occasionally forget is that neither approach is actually wrong. What may work for one person doesn't necessarily work for another though.

What I think I'm saying is that, due to your location, you're more likely to find people that place great emphasis on the church in their life. Whilst the recommendations of the people you're talking to is rather frustrating to you, try not to let it form into anger or other negative emotions. They want you to find the comfort in the church that they have found. Unfortunately, it's just not for you though.

Hope that made sense.

he beat you? omigosh, that's terrible. how sad! i do agree with 90% of what you say because religion does not always work out for everybody and it's not always the best answer. and it's a terrible thing how some people are trying to force their beliefs on others just cuhs ppl don't agree with them. and then afterwards they would pray for you and hope that you would change your mind. well some people like me have had negative experiences with religious people because they all excluded me from teh church and i just felt like you know what there's no way i'm staying here even though i was quite attached to it cuhs of the music and all. then things started to become less of a church, you know, it seemed as though things nearly fell apart before i left. like people started showing movies at church and then tehy started renovating the buildings and all and it's just like omigosh i dont want to be here anymore because i'm not getting much out of the sermons so might as well just leave and even if i left, nobody would care. nobody even tried to contact me and i thought my so-called buddies would at least reach out to me via e-mail or facebook, but they never did. i lied to them that i was going to anotehr church and tehn i started blocking each and everyone of them. my last week there they acted in a way that was so different from they would normally do. like they would talk to you and all and then they began to start getting judgmental right in the church... can you imagine someone using those words while they're having a conversation with you? it's like church has become a social gathering. it has really. it's just not necessary. singing praises for 30 minutes to God and then after that they begin talking to their buddies and start succumbing to peer pressure by talking just like them. eww.

Originally Posted by MdngtRain

I'm trying to be ok with a comment a friend made on fb, as she has every right to be upset by my comment... but it's hard. A few days ago I had been having a really rough week, and I was tired of being told to turn to religion. My defenses were down and I was raw. The last straw was when a friend of my wife's commented for the umpteenth time to "Let go & let god" and that everything happens for a reason, and that I should "pray" about my situation... That last sentiment triggered such a deep hurt and rejection, I lost all cool and composure. I ranted long and hard about how a belief in a god does not make everything better... I was rude and disrespectful and cursed a lot... I can understand that people would be hurt, but I didn't care. I was tired and hurt myself... My wife said that she would take it down in the morning (it was on a status she had put up) because she did not want her mom to be mad at me for not only cursing, but putting religion down... I was fine with it. I got out my rant and could care less if if was up any longer than that... She never did take it down. I'm not quite sure why, maybe it was the strong responses in both directions about what I said, maybe she just forgot and then thought it was up for that long, might as well leave it... whatever. It is still there. Anyway, a friend of mine read it and was very insulted and hurt by it. She made a comment to that effect on her page, but without mentioning who the comment was directed to. She was very respectful and did a great job communicating her displeasure with my stance (and insults) on something she holds dear.
I shouldn't be hurt or bothered by this. I shouldn't feel the way I do about it. But then why can't I shake it?
I am triggered by religion and inaction/intolerance/hate spewed in the name of religion because of my experience with one individual, and later with a "spiritual" experience... The first person I ever confided in about the abuse and violence going on at home (and my resulting depression and hopelessness) simply told me to "Just pray about it, and god will help you out"... I had just told her that I feared for my mom's life, I felt suicidal, and was terrified to be home every day of my life, and she told me to pray about it... That was such a let-down. Everywhere they encourage you to tell someone when things like this are going on, and when I did, I was offered no help. It was a guidance counselor at school mind you, a mandated reporter even back then... I felt so abandoned and lost in that moment. My hate for religion grew from there. The ignorance and uncaring she displayed made me feel totally alone. To this day I have trouble asking for help, and believing that anyone with any power to do something will actually do anything to help (well, that and the countless times the police were called to diffuse a situation at home...). I don't trust easily, so when I went to her with that information, my little bit of trust crumbled to dust in the moment of her indifference...
I know most people today have no clue why I feel so strongly against any organized religion. I haven't told many people. I definitely keep my mental health and abuse history off of fb (it is not the place for things like that)... I know this friend has no idea why I said what I did, she is just insulted by it... I should be able to take that at face value and move on, as I know I was rude with it... but it just feeds my rejection and feelings of neglect from so long ago. And now I want to be stubborn and not apologize or remove it because it triggered my rebellious side, and I want to stomp my feet and scream that I am right, but only because I don't want to tell why I really feel that way. I don't want to spill that my 1)abuse 2)was not stopped by someone who was supposed to help, but 3)instead thought I should turn to "god" to better my situation. I don't want to explain myself, I just want to be mad about it, because I have a right to be mad. I know I should have done it more tactfully, but I was hurt... All I ever do is apologize for holding the hurt in until it gets too much and I burst. I play nice and respectful and pleasant, and no one gets it. They keep at it... They insist that I am wrong and stupid and should "give my life to god", but they don't hear my protests when I am nice. They don't respect my pleas to stop hitting me over the head with that. So I snap, and I revert to being 3 and screaming whatever I want, however I need to in order to be heard.
I don't like hurting people. I don't like insulting them or their beliefs. But I can't bring myself to apologize for my rant, or to back-track and say it nicer just to appease everyone. But that too is an internal conflict. The part of me that strives to please everyone all the time and be pc and nice really wants to take down the comment and apologize for insulting everyone. The 3 year old in me wants to sit there, stick my tongue out and say "Good!" (now you can be as hurt as I was)... It makes me want to cut and cry and break things. It makes me want to hide and delete fb all together... It makes me hate myself for being hurtful... but it makes me feel good too. And that scares me. I never want to be someone who hurts others because she is hurt... I don't want to be my dad... I never want to be my dad...

yeah today when this girl at school started talking to this one dude who is supposedly in bible club at our school about church, i got upset. i began to cry. tears welled up in my eyes because of the horrible experience i had with some of the churchgoers. i'm still mad because of the fact that it seems like everybody else is able to fit in and have some friends to talk to but for me it's like i have to reach out to them because i came late to the church. they're so hypocritical because they act in a certain way a minute like when they're singing songs of praises to God and then when you sit down and turn towards them they give you like the freakin' stink eye simply because one time they heard about how i added their friends on facebook without them knowing it and then they got mad and ever since they held a grudge against me even though they said they wanted me back and so when i went back it was alirhgt for a coupla months but then later my life became such a bummer that i knew they were just luring me back and using me. sometimes i feel like the government should just shut down all the churches here so that i don't have to be reminded of the past. there's a church near our school and every time i look at it i go where is he? yeah they're only nice to you the first time but the more you get to know them the less likely they'll be nice to you. and the fact that they don't even allow gays in the church is really messed up. i thought they were supposed to be loving and kind, but they choose to exclude certain minorities and people like that. as soon as they found out that i was gay, they hated me and didn't want me to show up at all. there's a lot more and i can't say enough about it.

and these religious folks when i was there told me that we would have to use textbooks about gay people and that people would have to accept it. now that i look back to it, it's all a lie. nothing but fear.