I know, two posts in one night but I rarely get on here (don't really want my fiance to know and he's around a lot, not that it matters but this is personal). So I guess here's my question: I've been sexually assaulted numerous times in my life, But there were a few times I just need some clarity about. I guess the first incident I'm confused about was when I was with some guy I just met (and did not like) and I felt pressured by him as well as by myself to give him a blowjob. I came from a really strict upbringing and part of my teenage rebellion was trying to pretend like I was a slut (I really wasn't, in fact I was terrified of sex for whatever reason and didn't really like it). So anyway... I felt pressured but I never said no, I was sober, and I even pretended to enjoy it but I actually hated it. I felt dissociative throughout and I feel like he may have known I wasn't really into it. Thing is I'm wondering if that counts as assault/rape or not- as I did not say no and (although I know he was pushing me) I don't know if he really knew if I wanted it or not. All I know is this incident really affected me.

I've had other things happen to me in a similar vein. I was out clubbing and agreed to dance with a guy (just dance) for $30. I was pretty innocent at the time and thought we were going to just dance and instead he ended up rubbing his **** on my *** till he came. I never agreed to this but once again, I'm not sure if that really counts since he may have thought that's what I agreed to. A similar incident happened clubbing where a guy fingered me on the dancefloor without my consent but I didn't say no or fight back. Another time in college I was hanging out with this guy I barely knew and he pushed me into having oral sex with him as well as fingering me. I once again never said no, I think I even pretended to enjoy it but I wasn't even in my body at the time. I was sober and so was he but I felt like he knew I wasn't into it but I can't be sure. Is that rape/assault?
A similar incident happened at a party when a guy came up to me and fingered me repeatedly even after I pushed him away. So I guess I'm pretty clear on that one. He was wasted though so I don't know if I should give him a pass.

Also with my current fiance we were having sex and he started doing **** and I said no and he held me down and kept going for maybe 30 secs before I told him again that he was hurting me and then he stopped. We have rough sex a lot and I enjoy it but I feel like I shouldn't have had to say no more than once. He knows me well enough to know when I'm saying "no" in a sexy way and when I'm saying "no, stop". It was only for a split second and we were both drunk so I don't know if he just didn't realize he had gone too far or if I communicated it correctly. There was also a time when he was on Ambien and I was not (we've done this before no problem but usually I'm the one on Ambien or we both are) and he tried to push me into doing more than I wanted to. I feel like that can't count because he was so ****ed up and I guess I shouldn't have been having sex with him in the first place, but he pulled me on top of him and pushed me into doing it. Kind of makes me feel like a rapist myself. He also recently told me (I didn't remember this until he brought it up) that he was worried that the first time we had sex he might have raped me. He told me I kept putting my hands on his chest and telling him I wasn't on birth control and then we had sex anyway. I vaguely remember this and I have never even thought about it before. I don't remember ever feeling violated the morning after either but now that he mentioned it I feel kind of weird. Just brings up bad memories.

I guess all this just makes me uncomfortable. I feel like there's so much gray area in all these incidents and I don't know if I was raped/assaulted/abused in any way. I also feel incredibly guilty as my fiance and I talk all the time about how I've been raped based on these incidents but I don't know if that actually counts. I know a lot of friends (including my fiance) who have been violently raped and I feel that in calling what I've been through rape or even sexual assault is belittling to what they've gone through. Sometimes I feel like the only way to rectify the whole issue is to be violently raped like that. I feel like such a fraud talking about this with them and I just need some insight into this: was I raped or assaulted?

There's been other more minor incidents of sexual assault/harassment that I've encountered too but these are the worst things that happened to me and I don't know if it counts. I feel so guilty saying I was raped when I'm not sure if I was. I feel like my only worth is in my sexuality and so when I'm in a situation like that I generally don't say no, instead I smile and act like I enjoy it even if I dissociate and/or feel horrible and panicky. I know that was long winded but if a guy can tell you aren't into it even if you say yes is it still rape/assault?

Feel so guilty, shameful and confused. Any help would be appreciated.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by manicdelight

I know, two posts in one night but I rarely get on here (don't really want my fiance to know and he's around a lot, not that it matters but this is personal). So I guess here's my question: I've been sexually assaulted numerous times in my life, But there were a few times I just need some clarity about. I guess the first incident I'm confused about was when I was with some guy I just met (and did not like) and I felt pressured by him as well as by myself to give him a blowjob. I came from a really strict upbringing and part of my teenage rebellion was trying to pretend like I was a slut (I really wasn't, in fact I was terrified of sex for whatever reason and didn't really like it). So anyway... I felt pressured but I never said no, I was sober, and I even pretended to enjoy it but I actually hated it. I felt dissociative throughout and I feel like he may have known I wasn't really into it. Thing is I'm wondering if that counts as assault/rape or not- as I did not say no and (although I know he was pushing me) I don't know if he really knew if I wanted it or not. All I know is this incident really affected me.

I've had other things happen to me in a similar vein. I was out clubbing and agreed to dance with a guy (just dance) for $30. I was pretty innocent at the time and thought we were going to just dance and instead he ended up rubbing his **** on my *** till he came. I never agreed to this but once again, I'm not sure if that really counts since he may have thought that's what I agreed to. A similar incident happened clubbing where a guy fingered me on the dancefloor without my consent but I didn't say no or fight back. Another time in college I was hanging out with this guy I barely knew and he pushed me into having oral sex with him as well as fingering me. I once again never said no, I think I even pretended to enjoy it but I wasn't even in my body at the time. I was sober and so was he but I felt like he knew I wasn't into it but I can't be sure. Is that rape/assault?
A similar incident happened at a party when a guy came up to me and fingered me repeatedly even after I pushed him away. So I guess I'm pretty clear on that one. He was wasted though so I don't know if I should give him a pass.

Also with my current fiance we were having sex and he started doing **** and I said no and he held me down and kept going for maybe 30 secs before I told him again that he was hurting me and then he stopped. We have rough sex a lot and I enjoy it but I feel like I shouldn't have had to say no more than once. He knows me well enough to know when I'm saying "no" in a sexy way and when I'm saying "no, stop". It was only for a split second and we were both drunk so I don't know if he just didn't realize he had gone too far or if I communicated it correctly. There was also a time when he was on Ambien and I was not (we've done this before no problem but usually I'm the one on Ambien or we both are) and he tried to push me into doing more than I wanted to. I feel like that can't count because he was so ****ed up and I guess I shouldn't have been having sex with him in the first place, but he pulled me on top of him and pushed me into doing it. Kind of makes me feel like a rapist myself. He also recently told me (I didn't remember this until he brought it up) that he was worried that the first time we had sex he might have raped me. He told me I kept putting my hands on his chest and telling him I wasn't on birth control and then we had sex anyway. I vaguely remember this and I have never even thought about it before. I don't remember ever feeling violated the morning after either but now that he mentioned it I feel kind of weird. Just brings up bad memories.

I guess all this just makes me uncomfortable. I feel like there's so much gray area in all these incidents and I don't know if I was raped/assaulted/abused in any way. I also feel incredibly guilty as my fiance and I talk all the time about how I've been raped based on these incidents but I don't know if that actually counts. I know a lot of friends (including my fiance) who have been violently raped and I feel that in calling what I've been through rape or even sexual assault is belittling to what they've gone through. Sometimes I feel like the only way to rectify the whole issue is to be violently raped like that. I feel like such a fraud talking about this with them and I just need some insight into this: was I raped or assaulted?

There's been other more minor incidents of sexual assault/harassment that I've encountered too but these are the worst things that happened to me and I don't know if it counts. I feel so guilty saying I was raped when I'm not sure if I was. I feel like my only worth is in my sexuality and so when I'm in a situation like that I generally don't say no, instead I smile and act like I enjoy it even if I dissociate and/or feel horrible and panicky. I know that was long winded but if a guy can tell you aren't into it even if you say yes is it still rape/assault?

Feel so guilty, shameful and confused. Any help would be appreciated.

one thing about trying to define something as being rape is that different locations/countries/religions/cultures ...have different standards of what is and isnt called rape.

example in some countries it is not rape if a guy forces the woman to have sex, because in those countries /religions the man is the one that controls everything even sex, where as here in New York it is called rape if a guy forces sex on a woman.

my point is that for some people what you weent through is called rape and for others it isnt.. this website has all kinds of people from all walks of life, countries, religions, cultures so everyone posts according to how things are in their own locations, cultures, religions....

to find out if it was rape where you live you will need to contact your doctor, therapist or your local police force. they will be able to tell you whether it was rape and what to do about it..

[GirlOfManyFaces]

I don't really know what to say other than not feel guilty there are many levels of rape and assault. I was raped, sexually abused, and physically abused my the same person. Same issue here. Some of the times I didn't say no be he knew I didn't want it. And a few times I was scared if I didn't act like I liked it he would hurt me more... But I'm ok now... Sorta

Just hang in there and love your man. Get married and don't worry about it. God has a plan for you

[krisakira]

Originally Posted by manicdelight

I know, two posts in one night but I rarely get on here (don't really want my fiance to know and he's around a lot, not that it matters but this is personal). So I guess here's my question: I've been sexually assaulted numerous times in my life, But there were a few times I just need some clarity about. I guess the first incident I'm confused about was when I was with some guy I just met (and did not like) and I felt pressured by him as well as by myself to give him a blowjob. I came from a really strict upbringing and part of my teenage rebellion was trying to pretend like I was a slut (I really wasn't, in fact I was terrified of sex for whatever reason and didn't really like it). So anyway... I felt pressured but I never said no, I was sober, and I even pretended to enjoy it but I actually hated it. I felt dissociative throughout and I feel like he may have known I wasn't really into it. Thing is I'm wondering if that counts as assault/rape or not- as I did not say no and (although I know he was pushing me) I don't know if he really knew if I wanted it or not. All I know is this incident really affected me.

First, you don't have to take my word on anything I say. You are allowed to call it whatever you want, because it is your life, your body, and your experiences. But you've asked for help, and this is mine I'm offering. This first incident you described is not rape or assault. Sometimes people feel pressured, but if you did not somehow let the other person know you didn't enjoy/want it, then there is no basis for proving it was rape/assault of any kind. A lot of people, especially young women and teenagers have horrible experiences with their first few times having sex, because of the pressure. But as we get older, we get more experienced and can learn from our mistakes. It can still be painful and devastating to have such a traumatic sexual experience, so don't get me wrong- it can still be hurtful for you to think of these things. I'm just saying I personally do not call that rape or assault.

Originally Posted by manicdelight

I've had other things happen to me in a similar vein. I was out clubbing and agreed to dance with a guy (just dance) for $30. I was pretty innocent at the time and thought we were going to just dance and instead he ended up rubbing his **** on my *** till he came. I never agreed to this but once again, I'm not sure if that really counts since he may have thought that's what I agreed to.

This is a gray area story. It is up to you whether or not you want to call this assault. You never said yes, but you don't mention saying no either. It's not something you planned on happening, but as time goes on, you will learn what you want your boundaries to be, and how to voice them.

Originally Posted by manicdelight

A similar incident happened clubbing where a guy fingered me on the dancefloor without my consent but I didn't say no or fight back.

This is along the lines of the last story. You don't mention anything about letting him know that's where your boundaries are. I can't claim this one either. It can be traumatic still, no matter what it is called, so you are entitled to feel however you do about it. It was truly a negative experience, and hopefully you can start thinking about what can be done differently to stay out of those negative situations. I'm not saying what he did was your fault, please don't take it that way! There are ways of prevention, sometimes, and when we clearly set our boundaries and voice them, we can sometimes avoid those negative experiences.

Originally Posted by manicdelight

Another time in college I was hanging out with this guy I barely knew and he pushed me into having oral sex with him as well as fingering me. I once again never said no, I think I even pretended to enjoy it but I wasn't even in my body at the time. I was sober and so was he but I felt like he knew I wasn't into it but I can't be sure. Is that rape/assault?

I would say the same about this one as the last couple ones.

Originally Posted by manicdelight

A similar incident happened at a party when a guy came up to me and fingered me repeatedly even after I pushed him away. So I guess I'm pretty clear on that one. He was wasted though so I don't know if I should give him a pass.

This one's entirely different, and I'm glad you can see that it is clear about what he did, HOWEVER- Being drunk is NEVER an excuse for doing anything! If he can't get his ***** together when he's drunk, he should not be drinking in the first place! Please do not give this man a "pass." You clearly said no, by your body language. That's what I would call rape, because it is penetration with his body (fingers).

Originally Posted by manicdelight

Also with my current fiance we were having sex and he started doing **** and I said no and he held me down and kept going for maybe 30 secs before I told him again that he was hurting me and then he stopped. We have rough sex a lot and I enjoy it but I feel like I shouldn't have had to say no more than once. He knows me well enough to know when I'm saying "no" in a sexy way and when I'm saying "no, stop". It was only for a split second and we were both drunk so I don't know if he just didn't realize he had gone too far or if I communicated it correctly.

I consider this rape. You said no, he kept going. It doesn't matter how long he kept going afterwards, if it were 10 seconds or half an hour- if someone says no- you stop right away, or as quickly as possible. My rape was like this. I told him no, and he did me for maybe 10 - 15 seconds. That is rape. You communicated it very well, and he is the one in fault for being too drunk to do the right thing and stop. Remember- being drunk is NO excuse.

Originally Posted by manicdelight

There was also a time when he was on Ambien and I was not (we've done this before no problem but usually I'm the one on Ambien or we both are) and he tried to push me into doing more than I wanted to. I feel like that can't count because he was so ****ed up and I guess I shouldn't have been having sex with him in the first place, but he pulled me on top of him and pushed me into doing it. Kind of makes me feel like a rapist myself.

I'm kind of getting a pattern here, where drugs and drinking are involved. Maybe if he takes ambien that night, he should abide by a rule that states there should be no sex. I do know the effects of ambien, and that it can really cause inhibition and loss of thinking clearly (used to be on it, it makes me suicidal), so if this is his reaction to ambien, he needs to be off of it. Maybe you can somehow tell his doctor this, but it's serious. Ambien is a serious drug that needs to be taken seriously. But the fact that he pushed you into doing it, however you did not mention saying no, you DID say no with body language. If you wanted it, he would not have had to push you into doing it. You are NOT a rapist because of this.

Originally Posted by manicdelight

He also recently told me (I didn't remember this until he brought it up) that he was worried that the first time we had sex he might have raped me. He told me I kept putting my hands on his chest and telling him I wasn't on birth control and then we had sex anyway. I vaguely remember this and I have never even thought about it before. I don't remember ever feeling violated the morning after either but now that he mentioned it I feel kind of weird. Just brings up bad memories.

It might make you feel weird, but perhaps if you don't recall this too much, it might not be worth it to try to remember more of it, unless it is really affecting you. Then you need to talk about this rape too. Yes, it's a rape.

I think you really need to talk to a therapist about these incidents, and talk through how these negative experiences really are affecting you and your decision making today. You've described some very classic rape scenes, because they are the most common. The ones where the girl says no but it feels as though she has to just kind of "put up" with it, because of the pressure. Then she never mentions it, because she feels guilty for not doing more to stop it. This happens far too often, and I believe it is why not many people get help for their rape or assault experiences. Also, as I mentioned before, and with the help of a therapist, I hope you can come up with a plan of action and set boundaries with what you will and will absolutely not allow in a sexual encounter. That way, you can be prepared for such encounters in the future and possibly save yourself from more negative experiences. (this doesnt mean it's your fault, it just means that sometimes it can be avoided if we have the right skills to assess the situation. It's a tricky line between what we can and cannot control) Hope this clears anything up for you.

For the first one I'm still a little unsure. As I said before the guy knew I didn't like him and while I didn't push him away or say no before we started doing anything I feel like my body language was very clear- as in I tensed up when he touched me, wouldn't look at him, etc. It was only after we started that I felt like I had to pretend to like it. I don't know if that changes anything... still a bit unclear on it.

As for the guy in college... I think it was even more obvious. He was trying to get me to sit next to him and I didn't even want to do that. I told him I was comfortable where I was but then he kept asking so I did. When he touched me I immediately tensed up and pulled away but he kept going. He used the fact that he knew I self injured to try and convince me that sex with him could help me relieve that kind of stress but I dissented at first. He kept pushing me and it was after we started being sexual that I felt the pressure to act like I enjoyed it. I think it was this experience that really affected me the most at first... I started getting panic attacks and couldn't let any one touch me. Still doesn't mean it's rape but I'm pretty certain he knew from my previous dissent and body language that I wasn't into it when we started. I don't know... what do you think?

And as far as the last one... I was really drunk and I'm not sure if I meant for him to stop or if I was just trying to make sure he knew I wasn't on birthcontrol and was cool with that. I honestly don't remember the situation and didn't realize that he was unsure about it either till last week. Makes me really uncomfortable to think about.

But anyway... thank you for some clarity on that. It's been too much for me to really talk with my therapist about yet... at least not in those graphic terms and without laying it out like this I don't know how to get a real answer. It's a lot easier to write it. I'm just so scared of being some histrionic liar and crying rape. Especially after seeing what some of my friends and my fiance have gone through. I told my fiance about some of my earlier experiences (including childhood abuse) and it really set off some bad memories for him (he was raped as a child) and that really negatively impacted our relationship. I'm scared that I've done him some wrong in telling him I was raped because I wasn't sure if I really was and it affected him (and us) so badly.

Thanks for helping me get some clarity about this whole thing.

I'm not sure I can give you the clarity you seek, but I would recommend counseling for these issues simply because of your tendency to dissociate during sexual experiences and because you seem to somehow set yourself up to be used sexually. I feel like you may really have some underlying issues that need to be treated so that you can respect yourself to say no when you mean no. You mentioned childhood abuse, could that have led you to feel that you or your body deserve to be punished in some way so you freeze up and allow whatever unwanted actions?

Please take care and try to be open with your financee with his feelings and take time to listen to each other. You both need a strong shoulder to lean on.

[adam_k]

I don't think it has to be considered rape for it to feel traumatic. I think therapy would help you learn ti say no and not let people do things to you that you don't want. You get to decide what happens to your body and no one else has the right to violate that. Not even if they are drunk or whatever. I urge you to seek counsling to deal with your past abuse. I think your freezing up and not being able to say no stems from that. You go to another place when these things happen because you dont feel like you can stop what is happening.

[DarlaKat]

Originally Posted by GirlOfManyFaces

I don't really know what to say other than not feel guilty there are many levels of rape and assault. I was raped, sexually abused, and physically abused my the same person. Same issue here. Some of the times I didn't say no be he knew I didn't want it. And a few times I was scared if I didn't act like I liked it he would hurt me more... But I'm ok now... Sorta

Just hang in there and love your man. Get married and don't worry about it. God has a plan for you

been in the same kind of relationship keep falling back into other abusive ones. Ehhh.

[yellowted]

please learn the word NO and practice saying it till you are confident to use it, until such time steer clear of any situations where there is any possibility of these sort of things happening!
if you don't want sex or handelling in such ways you describe then say NO firmly, it is the only way to be sure, saying NO firmly will either result in the guy backing off preventing a rape, or the guy will continue just as he would if you had said nothing, only difference is your saying no means he was made aware you did not consent and giving you the crucial thing you need to prosecute for rape.

please for your own sake learn to say No!

[Big Mama]

hey. I hope I can help a little. I think very few of those occurrence are considered rape. Abuse maybe, traumatic absolutely.

There is one time that stuck out that was certainly rape. You acknowledged it as a rape as well and your assessment was correct in my opinion.

What happened between your current partner. The first time was rape. The other time when you said stop and he didn't for 30 sec or so. That might be. You said stop, he didn't, so that makes it rape. But I assume it must be quire difficult to just halt what you are doing. And depending on the verbalizations that were taking place at the time, because things can get heated, it may have been unclear to him but maybe not. If you guys are a little rough then you need to discuss a safe word. Pick a word that he and you agree on. One nothing related to sex. When you say that word he stops. Write it on your hand if you must so you don't panic about forgetting it.

I'm glad you have a T. I was raped and have not been able to say the words as of yet. But I can write them. I have taken things I typed here and printed them out and taken it to the T. I also journal and share it w/ my T. So she can see what is going on w/ me otherwise she'd never know there is anything wrong cause I sure don't talk about it. There has been no pressure to prosecute this individual. There has been no talk of confronting this guy. That made me feel safer. To know I am not going to feel pressured to go there. I hope you can share this w/ your T. Good luck.

[krisakira]

Originally Posted by GirlOfManyFaces

I don't really know what to say other than not feel guilty there are many levels of rape and assault. I was raped, sexually abused, and physically abused my the same person. Same issue here. Some of the times I didn't say no be he knew I didn't want it. And a few times I was scared if I didn't act like I liked it he would hurt me more... But I'm ok now... Sorta

Just hang in there and love your man. Get married and don't worry about it. God has a plan for you

Are you seriously telling the OP to get married to her fiancé when she has clearly identified him as a rapist? Get married and don't worry about it? Seriously?! It is remarks lie that that stop us from getting help. You are telling this person to just forget about everything that happened between her and her fiancé. She needs to get away from him, a rapist. OP, please don't listen to this person.

[IowaFarmGal]

This sure brings back memories. It's always possible to find someone that had a more horrible experience and some people don't survive the experience. All SA is traumatic and damaging. You don't need to feel guilty about the word choice. I never did press charges on anyone, but I'm don't think that's what you're talking about anyway. I hope you can begin to feel better about yourself and not feel like you're to blame some way. Maybe someday you will meet someone that respects you better.

Originally Posted by IowaFarmGal

This sure brings back memories. It's always possible to find someone that had a more horrible experience and some people don't survive the experience. All SA is traumatic and damaging. You don't need to feel guilty about the word choice. I never did press charges on anyone, but I'm don't think that's what you're talking about anyway. I hope you can begin to feel better about yourself and not feel like you're to blame some way. Maybe someday you will meet someone that respects you better.

Thanks, I never intended to press charges for any of this... I'm just trying to get things straight in my mind. I know it doesn't really matter what I call it (rape, sexual assault, just a bad experience, etc) so long as I deal with it. It's just so hard to wrap my head around all this.

Originally Posted by yellowted

please learn the word NO and practice saying it till you are confident to use it, until such time steer clear of any situations where there is any possibility of these sort of things happening!
if you don't want sex or handelling in such ways you describe then say NO firmly, it is the only way to be sure, saying NO firmly will either result in the guy backing off preventing a rape, or the guy will continue just as he would if you had said nothing, only difference is your saying no means he was made aware you did not consent and giving you the crucial thing you need to prosecute for rape.

please for your own sake learn to say No!

I'm actually working with my therapist on this. No is such a hard word for me and I'm not sure why. I'm not really concerned about prosecuting for rape (I don't intend to in any of these cases) I'm really just trying to process what happened and why.

Originally Posted by Big Mama

hey. I hope I can help a little. I think very few of those occurrence are considered rape. Abuse maybe, traumatic absolutely.

There is one time that stuck out that was certainly rape. You acknowledged it as a rape as well and your assessment was correct in my opinion.

What happened between your current partner. The first time was rape. The other time when you said stop and he didn't for 30 sec or so. That might be. You said stop, he didn't, so that makes it rape. But I assume it must be quire difficult to just halt what you are doing. And depending on the verbalizations that were taking place at the time, because things can get heated, it may have been unclear to him but maybe not. If you guys are a little rough then you need to discuss a safe word. Pick a word that he and you agree on. One nothing related to sex. When you say that word he stops. Write it on your hand if you must so you don't panic about forgetting it.

I'm glad you have a T. I was raped and have not been able to say the words as of yet. But I can write them. I have taken things I typed here and printed them out and taken it to the T. I also journal and share it w/ my T. So she can see what is going on w/ me otherwise she'd never know there is anything wrong cause I sure don't talk about it. There has been no pressure to prosecute this individual. There has been no talk of confronting this guy. That made me feel safer. To know I am not going to feel pressured to go there. I hope you can share this w/ your T. Good luck.

Thanks, I actually told my therapist about one of these incidents with my fiance and she mentioned having a safe word so I have one now. I really like the idea of printing this out and taking to her next time. I find it so hard to say these things out loud but I feel the need to get it out just the same.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by manicdelight

I feel like my only worth is in my sexuality and so when I'm in a situation like that I generally don't say no, instead I smile and act like I enjoy it even if I dissociate and/or feel horrible and panicky.

Hi MD, this ^ would be really important to share with T. Working through all of this with your T would be really helpful. Good luck!

Thanks again, I feel like reading all your responses over the last few days and thinking about it has really helped. I think I'm coming to the conclusion that if the guy knew I didn't want it then it was rape/assault (wouldn't necessarily stand up in court but I'm not concerned with that) and I know which situations those were if I really think about it. I guess the only people who can really judge that would be me and these guys and I think I can trust my intuition on that now. Sort of clears up the grey area. It makes sense too that even in the cases where it was not rape/assault it could still be traumatizing to me and no one is really at fault for that.

I guess I really have one more question- this is something I'm really struggling with- if I told my fiance about one of these traumatic but not actually rape scenarios and implied that it was rape does that make me a liar? I don't know why it concerns me so much but after what he's been through and how much that affected him I feel terrible. (He feels demasculinzed and humiliated and it brought up a bunch of his past issues as well.) I really don't want to be an attention ***** or a liar and I don't know if I should bring it up with him and tell him this particular incident wasn't technically rape but was still traumatic. I'm scared he'd be mad at me and more importantly that he'd have a right to be. I feel dishonest and pretty ******.

[Sannah]

You are not a liar for not fully understanding something. I'm glad that you have gotten some clarity on all of this.

[adam_k]

It may not be legally counted as rape but if you didn't want it to happen it probable feels just as bad, maybe worse because you blame yourself for not saying no and fighting back. Being pressured to do something you don't want isn't fair to you. I hope your bf can see that and be there for you. Some people can't emphathize with others and get angry and blame people for what they whet thru. I hope he isn't like that.

Originally Posted by adam_k

It may not be legally counted as rape but if you didn't want it to happen it probable feels just as bad, maybe worse because you blame yourself for not saying no and fighting back. Being pressured to do something you don't want isn't fair to you. I hope your bf can see that and be there for you. Some people can't emphathize with others and get angry and blame people for what they whet thru. I hope he isn't like that.

That's exactly how it feels. I never realized there was so much grey area to this. I'm always wondering if I fought back more or said no if it wouldn't have happened. And even in the cases where I am 99.999% certain they knew from my reactions and body language that I didn't want it (even though I didn't say no) there's always that chance that maybe I'm wrong and they really didn't know.

There was a period of time where my bf did blame me for the incident I told him about (the one that wasn't rape but was still traumatizing) as well as the other incidents (rape included). But thankfully that time has passed, although it still effects our relationship from time to time. But in short he doesn't blame me anymore and is really understanding about the whole thing.

[adam_k]

Maybe it takes time to heal. When my wife told me she was raped by her ex bf I was angry with her ex. I don't know the guy and I can't do anything to change the past. I wasn't angry with her, just angry that someone could hurt someone I care about so much. Then I felt sad about her pain and what she went thru. I just try to be there for her. I don't bring it up, but I'm there if she wants to talk about it. I think after a while she came to terms with what happened and now she is happy she is with someone who cares for her.

[IowaFarmGal]

Were you even able to speak? I know when I'm traumatized I'm not able to speak. I just try to get away. I think if you are trying to get away they ought to get the drift it's not consentual, even if you don't say no.

Originally Posted by IowaFarmGal

Were you even able to speak? I know when I'm traumatized I'm not able to speak. I just try to get away. I think if you are trying to get away they ought to get the drift it's not consentual, even if you don't say no.

It was exactly like that (at least a couple of the incidents I was talking about). I think my body language was pretty clear even if I wasn't using physical force to get away or saying no. And after a while I just gave up and tried to make them happy and act like it was ok so it would be over sooner.

Originally Posted by adam_k

Maybe it takes time to heal. When my wife told me she was raped by her ex bf I was angry with her ex. I don't know the guy and I can't do anything to change the past. I wasn't angry with her, just angry that someone could hurt someone I care about so much. Then I felt sad about her pain and what she went thru. I just try to be there for her. I don't bring it up, but I'm there if she wants to talk about it. I think after a while she came to terms with what happened and now she is happy she is with someone who cares for her.

I know it definitely takes time, and in my fiance's case I think probably therapy. I know it wasn't just this issue with me but also his own history of physical and sexual abuse. For a while he blamed me and we had these horrible fights that ended up getting abusive on both sides. I got help and I no longer do things like that and for the most part neither does he. He's also acknowledged that he blamed me for it and apologized. I know he doesn't anymore and he's trying to be supportive of me now. It's still something that's hard for us to talk about. He's mentioned seeking therapy about it and I'm encouraging him to do so. He's got a lot to work through still.

[Pikku Myy]

Yes. If you were underage .... and then if anyone at when you at legal age (here 16) ... this would be considered sexual battery. Every state and country is different.

My advice to you sweetie.... enjoy what you have now!!!! Discuss your issues with your partner.... But DO NOT LET anyone bullie you! in the future!!!