[hezaa82]

I come from a dysfunctional family. My mom is depressed and alcoholic, my dad has low self-esteem and is codependent, everyone is passive aggressive. I had emotional abuse and neglect as a kid and was made to take care of my parents' feelings.

Recently I tried to set better boundaries with my parents. My mom is always using my dad to get to me. I often get emails from him saying that my mom wants me to do something or my mom wants to tell me something and I just hit a breaking point on Mother's Day when my dad told me my mom was expecting a message from me.

I spoke to my therapist and she said I could tell my parents that if they want something from me they can come to me directly and not go through the other parent. I did that, and I guess I did let myself get a little too angry but that's natural considering anger wasn't ok in our family so I have decades of anger that wants to come out. My dad didn't respond. My mom responded with a manipulative calculated answer trying to sound sweet but essentially telling me that I'm wrong for feeling that way and that everything she's doing is just fine. I got angry with her again and she hasn't responded since then. It's been 2 weeks and still no response.

I'm wondering where to go from here? I'm sick of parenting them and I'm loath to be the one to reach out to them again. I know they're not mad at me they're just scared of me. They're scared of any kind of strong emotion or negative emotion (thus why I wasn't allowed to have my emotions as a kid). Should I just wait til they contact me?

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by hezaa82

...I know they're not mad at me they're just scared of me. They're scared of any kind of strong emotion or negative emotion (thus why I wasn't allowed to have my emotions as a kid). Should I just wait til they contact me?

That's an interesting interpretation as to "why" your family is this way. Did you come to this conclusion by yourself, or is it something someone told you??

I would advise you to do what you are most comfortable doing. If that means taking a little space, for now, and waiting for your parents to contact you, then go for it. That's appropriate, imo. If you're more comfortable planning some kind of date in the future, to see them again, then go for that.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

When I started recovery from abuse, I did get too angry when I communicated. I am working on that anger. I too was not allowed to get angry and I did not learn healthy communication. Now, when I try to talk to someone, I am often concerned about being too angry. Your therapist did give you good advice and you did follow it. I am glad you did that. But don't beat yourself up for not being perfect at it yet. You will get better at it.

Carol

[hezaa82]

Originally Posted by shezbut

That's an interesting interpretation as to "why" your family is this way. Did you come to this conclusion by yourself, or is it something someone told you??

I would advise you to do what you are most comfortable doing.

It was something that came up in the family therapy session I did with them in January. The therapist told my dad that I want dad to contact me more, and my dad brought up the one other time that I got mad at him and was like "what if I talk to her and this happens?" It felt good when the therapist told him he's a parent so he has to suck it up. My mom was also very scared of going to that family session because she didn't want everyone criticizing her. They're not good with anger or criticism.

Hm I guess I'm most comfortable letting them make the next move so I guess that's what I'll do. I live in a different country than them so I don't see them, just email or Skype.

[hezaa82]

Carol, thanks for the words of encouragement!

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by hezaa82

Hm I guess I'm most comfortable letting them make the next move so I guess that's what I'll do. I live in a different country than them so I don't see them, just email or Skype.

You could always send a card or note, letting them know that you do care about them. Plain and simple, but open about your positive feelings towards them.

[Jungatheart]

I really relate. That was great advice your therapist offered. When new boundaries are set, others typically don't know what to do. They might pull out all the stops to try to maintain homeostasis. Just continue to hold this boundary so that you may build on it.

I used to get really angry at my parent's manipulation or lack of response, ect....just nothing along the lines of health and healing. I'd get so angry, they'd deflect it, and eventually I'd just take it out on myself. They didn't care that I was angry or hurt - so I found myself suffering while they were "fine". If they wouldn't validate it....there are many layers, but I just struggled with it all. Anyone, especially your parents, that instills the belief that your feelings, experiences, and perceptions are wrong....to me, that is a form of emotional abuse. It's important for you to follow your feelings - if you loathe the idea of having to contact them, playing the role of the parent - then don't. Stay strong, and I'd guess that when they do contact you, there will be some guilt and shame thrown at you. Don't own it. It's not yours.

I try to channel "calm and assertive" when trying to establish my own boundaries. It helps me feel like I am taking back my power. That being said, anger is normal and natural - so express whatever you need to.