[eurocharm]

First, I apologize in advance if my story gets to long or to stressful, but I have no other way to ask for advice. I am in an emotional turmoil and the worst part is I do not know what to do or where to go. I feel trapped, overwhelmed, scarred, confused and out of air. As my mom would say I am a complete mess.

I started seeing my T this January (last week was our 8th session) . I went there for help to cope with chronic pain issues, that were interfering with my daily life for about a year now and my previous coping techniques did not suffice. Since then I had few knock-downs along the way ( news about plant closing this summer, death of the pet, injury that might leave me without job before being laid off due to FMLA running out etc). In April it just came out of my mouth how badly I wanted to cut it all short and just make a way out. This T was first person since I was 18 to ever ask for help. I always dealt with everything on my own, for various reasons. Although She ( the T) seems to be great, and she has proven worthy my trust for the first time ever, I am not good client- I just talk about things that just happened ( somehow it always something big did happen each session). I do not name my feelings that follow the story. She did tell me to call if I think I can't control my urge.

As she was asking some more about my urges and asking about all the beautiful things or likes ( normal) person would find in life, I had nothing to think about. After session, however, I started getting some weird emotions just making situation worse. That week I had another fight ( she yells I listen) with my mom, and when I couldn't take no more, I got up to try to leave, but at that moment I thought of my T and suddenly I did not feel alone and scarred as much. And everything seemed a bit easier for the first time. I left VM for the T thanking her for helping me and not giving up on me although I am complicated to deal with ( as I withhold any more personal info). In the following therapy I thanked her for giving me safe place for at least 1 hr. I was so "happy" with her diagnosis of chronic depression and not completely insane. But also she does not know me long so it could be just that she did not get to see that side of me, I thought.

That is when troubles begun- I started thinking why I feel safe in her office, when that was the last place on Earth I would ever want to be at. I got scarred that I used word "safe", because it was the first time I spoke it out. I was confused that she has not seen how insane I am. Is it because she doesn't know me or there might be a chance that I am not insane???

I am 38 and I live with my mom. I do love my mom and out of respect and upbringing, I stayed with her ever since we came to US. There are more reasons to it, and I know it was my choice. However, what I just realized last week is that all the new confusion and new mess I was in might be partially due to her. I am sure I have seen the signs all along, all these years I was trying to calm her down, "trained" myself to fit the role as good as I could. My dad died before he could join us, my brother returned to Europe ( where he got ill himself) and I tried to fill in all 3 roles. I tried to understand that she had hard life, she gave me life 2 times ( by giving a birth and also by saving us/ getting us out of the war when we were young). I remember at the beginning I was able to do that, because after she would go to sleep I would do things I enjoyed. At that time, I had extreme fear of future and not having control over anything in life- I could only think how hard she must have it ( new language, culture, loss of family) so I thought the only thing I could do to help her feel better is to give her complete control over me. Thus, I acted as 3 in 1 person, and she felt like she still had family and her life somewhat back. It also gave me some purpose in life, so I gained by that too.

Ever since the last session, I started having this emotions back, and the more I thought about my reasonings, the more I am having flashbacks from the war time, and many other ones that I never knew they existed. Actually, I knew they once did, but I think they were laying deep down for years, and I did not touch them for so long, because I did not have time to think about me. I could not afford to get weak, because weakness is only seeking attention. And then, last week during one of our fights, she "slipped out" that she always hated me not only because I always gave her nothing but troubles, but because I remind her of my dad ( my dad always loved me and we did have connection, but only because he felt always sorry for the way she treated me compared to my brother and he tried to make it up for her behavior. I knew that and I loved him even more for that reason). I reminded her of what she had to give up and what her life turned out to be. How God punished her with 3 sick people as family.She, in her old age ( she is 62 now), has not only to worry if she will be having roof over head, but she also has me and my brother to drag through life. And how I dare to complain about anything she tells me I should be doing after all she has done for me. When she took and destroyed all her Mother's Day gifts ( I always would get 4 gifts:something from each of us and 1 gift as "family"), the Truth hit me. I wanted to run to my car and drive it into first pole. Not as revenge as she always calls any action by me that she doesn't like. I realized why I am so tired, why I can't think, why I hyperventilate... I had to go back to that " guilty" mode, just to run from the thoughts that flooded me ever since. It is much safer and better there, it is something I know and is not causing me to have the thoughts of saving myself. The worst part is, that I can't leave her- so what is the point? There is just to much pressure since we live in large community of people from our country. You stick with your parents and you do always keep dirt hidden within 4 walls. That is why I have no friend now- I never allowed any of "my" friends" to stick around for long. Anyways she did not like them anyways, so it was win-win situation.
I can't call it emotional abuse, as I made a choice to stick with it and gave up on changing the situation while it was time. It is not abuse because I am gaining guilt free consciousness by staying- so I am "profiting" from my choice. I would call it trade off. There are times when she's the best mom- funny, doing things together ( like shopping), chit-chatting. And these times do give me reassurance that I can bare it all for as long as it takes.
However, with all the things going on with me (job, health) I need an outside vent. I need this pressure to be out, so I can continue to function.
Am I just to tired with other things that I see things in wrong light ( shouldn't "our" friends who visit now and then see something too?). Everyone loves my mom, so I might be just doing her wrong. Or I might be really going crazy like she told me I am???
My T said she would like to see me again, and our next appointment is in a month ( she was overbooked already for whole month) but she said she would put me on cancellation list.
The problem is she does not even know about all of this I wrote here. She does not know that I was not returned to work ( work nurse could not accommodate Dr's request for sedentary job) and I might be out of work (after 15 ys) before being laid off and security that comes with it. Nobody knew ever any of this until I put it here.
I feel that calling her and asking for appointment again in case of cancellation would be acting like drama queen asking for attention.
Can anyone recommend something I can do now to get me through until my next visit with T? I can't leave because anyway I have nowhere to go other then my park , but I am getting tired of it too. There is no way I can visit other therapist, because I am afraid of being sent to hospital- which is the last thing I need ( I was in 'prisoner of war camp for civilians') and I can't stand 1 second of being closed again. And when I try to talk, I freeze- words get stuck in throat and I chock on them. When I think about what I can't, there is nothing really I can do. I am not having immediate suicidal urges and am not danger for others, but I am complete mess. I guess I am trying to say I am not "emergency" case enough for call. And with all of this, I feel bad that I might be doing wrong to my mom by having thoughts that I do instead of putting blame on my own softness and non-resilience to life.

Would my T be mad if I called and asked for appointment or she would think I am just looking for pity? What if she sends me to someone else? Yes, I know that is fear of abandonment speaking, but how do I know what is right thing to do if I never have done it before? The only thing I can do is ask- others who might go/ have gone through something alike.

Again, I am sorry to this long and chaotic rumblings and sorry if any of this triggered bad emotions. Please don't judge me too, for coming asking for help/ advice here, and yet negating all the "normal" tips ( leave the place, go to hospital etc). I was wondering if there are tips to get me to cope with this situation until my therapy, because I have not gotten that yet in my previous sessions ( due to my own stubbornness of not being honest). I know better now, and I will change that way about me- but where do I go from here?
Is my mind really just playing tricks on me about thinking my emotions may be partially due to emotional abuse? Am I just over-sensitive and not "tough" enough? Why did the thoughts come after all this years- how could I not see it all the way through before? I mean, am I just "people pleaser" ( what I "diagnosed" myself with as a reasoning for my actions ) that got tired of pleasing her mom and society, or there is really something more? If it is then how do I talk about it? Without possible wrong doing to another person? What if I just get laughed at and it is only in my head?

[shezbut]

(((eurocharm)))

I'm sorry that you've led such a difficult life. I can understand your hesitation to share these intimate details with your T. In my personal experience, it takes a while for enough comfort and safety to build between a T and myself to the point that I can discuss major issues that haunt my life. I believe that this tendency is pretty common...especially when a person has been hiding scars for so long. They don't just go away once we're in therapy.

I know that it's hard for you to share the depth of your dark emotions with others, but you could contact your T's office. You could tell her that you are up against some major hurdles and you honestly can't wait another month for your next visit. Can you please be put onto her "cancellation list"? You won't have to go into details of these major hurdles over the phone, but they may ask if you're feeling suicidal. No, not suicidal ~ but you feel trapped and overwhelmed. Those are perfectly valid reasons to see your T more often.

Different cultures live differently. In my Western civilization-mind, your mom has said some very cruel things to you. Hurtful thoughts. Your emotions are perfectly valid in my opinion. I know that some cultures absolutely adore boys, and girls are viewed as a heavy weight to the household. It sounds absolutely cruel to me! I cannot imagine the emotions that come with the territory.

My own family was very unhealthy. I was always encouraged to "act like a big girl" and "be seen and not heard". We too kept dark skeletons in the closet until I was a teenager and could no longer live with what was happening in my life. Little by little, very slowly, some skeletons were let free. I continued to hold others deep inside myself for another 20 years ~ until I just couldn't take it anymore. So, I can relate to an extent, with some of what you've had to endure.

Very gentle hugs sent your way...and welcome to Psych Central!

[eurocharm]

(((((((Dear Shezbut,))))

thank you so much for your time, your hug and care. I am sorry that you understand what I am talking about, for that means you, too, know what pain is.
Reading your post I realized how good and warm it felt to finally belong somewhere, to be welcomed and accepted without conditions. Thank you for waking up that feeling in me also. I don't remember last time I was hugged and it is so appreciated.

I will follow your tip and call the office. Calling for an appointment between therapies feels like "asking for special treatment", as if I am any better then other clients. And I hate asking for help, but I know I have to learn to.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I am glad you talked to us.

You are not alone. We are here for you.

I hope you can find what you need in therapy, as well.

I really relate to being afraid of being "sent away" or being "too much" for someone. It's hard for me, too, to talk, esp when I feel that everywhere I go, there is not much understanding or sympathy; wondering if I am "asking for attention". This feeling can really cause us to shut down (IMHO) and to get quite discouraged about asking for help, esp when we really need it. I am kind of in that place, too and I can't even see a therapist because of finances and counseling centers being closed down.

It can also be hard for us to "fight" off abuse, it is never our fault when ppl hurt us, physically or emotionally.

I have been in situations, too, "by choice" and I have learned that it was because I did not know what a healthy relationship felt like. I had learned that love equalled pain, that security equalled oppression, that love and security was a scary, unsafe thing. I felt that I did NOT have a choice but to keep doing it.

I feel that my decisions in relationships or situations will feel more as though I am in control of them when I slowly learn what healthy relationships and situations look like and feel like. I am gradually realizing now that I do not deserve to be treated badly.

Love, security, etc. is NOT pain, NOT fear, NOT someone having power over you.

I am glad you shared with us.

Carol

[eurocharm]

Thanks for all your support and understanding. I really needed it in order to get the courage to make a call to my therapist. She returned my call within few hours and we have met yesterday. I couldn't talk about anything specific, as I still was in emotional turmoil. The talk steered toward my mom and I think she connected dots. I was able to some degree to get out some of the things thanks to her lead. I really appreciated that she was not judgmental of my mom or me, even more that she did not push to hard where I did not want to go. She noted that she is happy that I finally started to open myself. Of course, she still noted that with the internal work and help of medicine ( which I finally agreed to), we can make it through. I am sooooo blessed to have found someone like her as my first therapist. And to have found this forum to find a courage to speak. To not feel lonely.
My mind is on ease and I am no longer scarred of the thought. However, I chose not to deal with my discovery now, as I do not want to go back to the mess. I know I am not ready yet. My mom is actually "behaving" last few days, so I should be fine until her next outburst. "Luckily" my mind is to busy fighting the joint pain and trying to walk around and do chores, so I should be fine for while...Or at least, I can try to convince myself so.

Thanks again for being there to lean on. Thanks for being reminders that I can get where I would like to get. I am weak at the moment, but I do appreciate your signs to the place where it gets better. And I hope one day to follow your lead, so I can be there for someone else. Like you are for me and others like me now.