I dont want this history. I dont want to deal with it, I dont want to feel this way, I dont want to beileve it. I dont want to be a "victim" or a "survivor" I just want to be normal. I want to not have triggers and I want to not react abnormally to stupid little things. I Dont want this. Does anyone ever feel the same?

[FaithisAlive]

Yes.. to all of the above... and ya know what?I am working on it.... healing...

Faith

thank you faith. Its enough to keep me going that I know im not alone.

yes me too...infact those were the exact same words I said in therapy this week..."I don't want this history".....I also said I feel I need a "higher authority" to forgive me....as I don't feel I have the ablity to be the one too do the forgiveness....forgiveness to me means acceptence and Im not sure I have that strenght just yet....but I know my goal is too find that strenght....and too turn the shame and self hatred I feel... into admiration for how I survived all I did......that what I've been through will one day be off benefit in helping me carry on suriving and living!.....

You know what if everyone in the world had a chance to throw their life experiences into a pile and we could choose someone elses life....I'd pick my own!....so that tells me I can deal with this and at some level I'm glad I am who I am.

[ster]

I know how U feel it is good to have people that understand.

[Soidhonia]

Hello I hope things are better for you at this time. I really hope that you are seeing a therapist and a Dr that can help you through this, and help you feel better at some point. Rape causes many emotional issues because it is a violation,a nd I can see why you are confused about what happened but Being violated is something that can not be confused, because if you confuse the situation, in your mind then you will not get the help you deserve, and live a productive life that you would like to have. There is nothing wrong with feeling that you were violated, and getting the help you need the first step to recovery is admitting that what happened was a violation and wrong. No one is judging you here at Psych Central, so you are free to say and express yourself honestly and openly, because we care that you are not deceiving and harming yourself because you feel that you did something to cause this violation on you. No one feels that you caused this to happen, so you dont have to feel that you deserved what happened or wanted it to happen, what happened happened because someone chose to take advantage of you in a way that was a violation in your life PERIOD.
I hope one day you feel that way as well, and stop feeling guilty for someone elses violation against you everyone here is here for you and Ihope you take advantage of that fact and no one here feels that you are any less of a person for getting help that is a very courageous move that you are not wanting this to destroy your future. I really hope you work with your therapist in regaining your composure and see what really happened was not your fault and you can move on in the future if you work on having a better future. I am going to leave you the hotline number to call if you need someone to talk to in person 1-800-273-TALK. Take care please join us in chat today at 12pm in the support room for Support Chat we will be glad to have you there. Sincerely Soidhonia