i dont know..

I havent been this upsest in my life before. I have been having mixed feelings about my father for the past two weeks currently. He can be very hypocritical, manipulative, two faced and a liar. It's been getting to me lately that i really dont like who he is and who he is still becoming even though he's 47 years old. All my life since my parents have got divorced since i was 6 years old, now 16 years old, he has treated me differently. Like, he has been acting totally 'out there', drinking alot more (he is remarried and has a daughter. So i doubt its missing my mom.) He also has his very violent temper moments verbally, and can be physically to either objects or almost towards people. In the past, he has litt. ran across my dining room table during dinner because me and my brother were arguing about Pokemon Cards. (This happened years ago.) So he went after just me after he told us too shut up as he kept on screaming at me and looking at me, not my brother, only me. Another time we were in the car on the highway and he was screaming his head off at me because i was severely depressed, told me to shut up and stop acting like a baby. He kept on screaming at me, i cant explain it, it was bad again. :[ Then there was another time where i went to my aunt and uncle's restraunt/bar for dinner, and he was drinking so much and he stood up on the bar, danced and sang but it was in an odd type of way. nothing ive ever seen before in my life. We were there at 6pm 'till 3 or 4am in the morning. We went home because he finally realized my stepmom was home and my sister was sick. He drives us home, walks in the door and then i hear my stepmom angry becasue she had no help while my sister was sick. So my dad threw a HUGE fight and i heard my dad choke my stepmom, like the same sound my mom described that he did to my mom when they were married. My stepmom screaming for him to stop it and get off. My stepmom then ran into the kitchen demanding to call her mom to stay for the night, my dad then slammed the phone across the wall and it shattered and broke. My stepmom screamed so loudly, i was still up though in my bed. My dad then comes running in my bedroom and asking if im alright. I told him yes, and then i realized all he had on was underwear, not even boxers. heh. He then climbed into my bed and went underneath the covers and said he would stay with me intil i went to sleep, and kept asking me if i was alright. That was a little strange to me. heh. All the times i have either been admitted in the hospital or outpatient partial programs, he has been verbally 'harsh'? on me. idkk. Always screaming, cursing, making fun of me, nagging me, etc. It always made me feel down and uncomfotable. Then one time actually this past September 2005, i was admitted to a psych. hospital again and he was actually at my house dropping something off for me. He knew i was going in the hosp. and didnt bother telling me or giving me a hint, he just completely lied to me for two days, didnt bother to not say anything at all. I was throwing my clothes in my bag (packing for the hosp.), hysterical crying, and kinda screaming because i didnt want to be admitted again. He then walked up to me like he was all tough and then he tackled me to the ground, sat on my chest which was very hard to breathe, then took his both hands around my neck, choked me and then shook me over again, screamed in my face which was practically spitting on me and then he was screaming in my face and my ears and touching his nose on my face he was so close to me. heh, i hate him. Recently, i have been having several thoughts and images in my head all day and night about my father beating me like, giving me cuts, bruses, broken bones, scars, and black eyes. I'd imagine myself in the emergency room and then going to school and having to face everyone and tell them what had happened. I have these thoughts everyday of my life, and they bother me ALOT. I'm so afraid there going to come true sometimes, ive been trying to avoid my father lately on the phone too because of it. I saw him tonight because he took me and my brother out for dinner on a weekly thing then had to take me to my psychiatrist/therapist at a quarter to 8pm. We got into a little argument because im sick of being around him, taking his attitude and dealing with his own actions which bother me alot. heh. I spent my whole session tonight talking about how much i hate him and spent the night crying my eyes out too. :[ I then came home and i was in a horrible mood to begin with, and my mom asked me what was wrong. I told her how i hate my father, etc and the whole story and she doesnt even seem to understand!!!! He abused my mom when they were married, which i dont get why shes not trying to help me cope, or help me deal with my emotions at all..not fair!! I then had a mental break down (fit?) like i never had before in my life. I screamed, i cried, i started blaming and talking to god like he was there like saying how much i hate him and how hes no god, and there is no god at all, kicking and hitting things like the wall and table, and feelings i havent had in ages, wanting to cut myself. I seriously wanted too, still kinda do but i can control it now, luckliy. :] Although, i have a massive headache, and i never get headaches regardless of any situation, i have my period on top of it--so its not so great, and i have a stomachache which really bothers me now. lol. Another thing my father does to me alot is like: put ideas in my head, but then change them around afterwards. Its like hes playing two sides in me. Is that like psychological abuse or something?? idkk how to explain it well enough. He's a liar to me and everyone out there, a hypocrit, an abuser well known to others or at least used to be, and maybe now me. idkk. He screams his head off all the time, makes me feel horrible 24/7, i am FRIGHTNED to death about his attiude, he litt. scares me to death with his threats. He sometimes says that he'll kill me, like if i do something bad, but its like in a really threatning screaming kinda way which scares me alot. heh. not good i guess.

Lately, his personality too seems a little bit off alot. I've been thinking and maybe he has mental illness also, maybe i do get it from him. heh, that would be funny. haha. :[ oh well. Whenever i do see him or talk to him on the phone, i guess you can refer him as like two or three different people. Like, Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde. heh. I'm serious about that too. I dont trust him with anything he says or does. I'm sooo scared of him, and this is bothering me ALOT. I have been having lots of flashbacks, memories of what he had said, and thoughts about cutting becasue of it on and off. heh.

On top of it, i get severely paranoid at night in the first place about people out to get me and that are watching me. I know am having some paranoia about my dad, by thinking things, etc....yeahhhhh---

Would anyone consider this any form of abuse?? i just want to get my facts straight, with everything been going on with me before i make a big deal about in group therapy tomorrow.

Yeahh--thankss.

i would definately consider it abuse. but sometimes i think its more imporant what you feel and that you express your hurt and pain over the past. Take care of yourself and i hope you find healing and happiness.

You've posted all of this before and it seems to be in the past. Have you talked to your counselors about it?? They'd be more qualified to help you deal with the past. If it's still in the present, they could help you make it stop.

The most important matter in all of this is that you take care of you and be the person you want to be. I had the feeling that I was going to be beyond their reach affecting me so I survived and excelled. It's like the saying the only way to get even is to succeed. So be it abuse or whatever, you know, the fact is you have control over your behavior and goals. You can read up on the subject and do homework toward healing. In the end it doesn't matter who did what to whom, just what we have made of ourselves. I hope this makes sense to you. I guess I am saying prove to everyone that you are a GREAT survivor. Good luck.