[bluebythewater]

After 13 years I finally told someone for the first time about the abuse I endured as a child. This happened just a little over a week ago. Since then, I feel like my world is falling apart. Getting up the guts to talk has made it feel so real to me. The nightmares are occurring every night... so I haven't been sleeping more than 3-4 hours a night. I've also been struggling with Self-Injury for about 10 years... after a period of about 1 year where I thought I could beat this (the SI) this has dramatically increased. I'm at my wits end.

I've always been the type of person who held everything inside. Now it's giving me no choice but to get it out and I don't know how to deal with it the right way.

The person I talked to is a very trusted mother-like figure in my life. She wants me to confront him, I think this is a horrible idea. I don't think I can handle it. At least not yet. This week has been full of memories I've tried to forget for years. I hear him, I feel him..and I hate me because of it. I can't stop feeling guilty for the things that have happened in my past. I don't know what to do.

My trusted friend suggests counselling, even contacting a crisis center. I don't know. I've always been so opposed to those things thinking I could do it on my own. I'm not so sure now...

So, I was doing some research and I found this place and I've spent hours pouring over posts... crying and realizing just how not alone I am. I'm not even sure why I joined or why I'm posting. But i am..and I'm hoping someone can offer some advice as to where I should even begin. I'm really scared.

[OneAndMany]

Hi BluebytheWater,

Welcome to PC! This is a great place to be. I am in a very similar situation to you in that I just told someone about the abuse over the last two months.

I can say for myself that the best thing I have done is to go to a counselor who specializes in s*x**l abuse (that is what I had, not clear from your post if that is the same for you). I have also been slowly reading The Courage to Heal and The Courage to Heal Workbook. Both of these have been very helpful, but I don't think I could ever manage to deal with everything that is coming up without my therapist. She is truly wonderful and gifted.

I also agree with you that confronting the abuser is probably not a good idea right now (if ever, depending on your circumstances). If you don't think you can handle it, you should listen to yourself.

If you do decide to seek a therapist, the Courage to Heal Workbook has a good section on how to go about finding one.

I hope that you find a lot of support here and are also able to finally begin healing.



Elizabeth

[tallison]

i want to congratulate you on breaking your silence.. i too recently told someone about my abuse... it seems devastating, but i want to assure you that there is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel!! The Courage To Heal is truly a wonderful resource and i strongly urge you to seek counceling! i don't know what i would do without mine!! you are not alone!!! and you will survive!!! you already have! and you are the only one who can decide if you should confront your abuser... don't let anyone push you into something that isn't right for you... after all, who's healing journey is this??? stay strong!!! and get support!! you're worth it!

I hope you find a trusted counselor in your area. You don't have to confront anyone. The most healing thing you could do is find some supportive friends, family, and mental professionals to help you.

[katheryn]

no advice to offer just,
(((((((((((((((bluebythewater)))))))))))))
but here is a cuddle

[bluebythewater]

thanks so much for all of the kind words and advice. I'm really struggling with the idea of a therapist or counselor because in general- trust is a huge issue for me. I see a few of you mentioned The Courage to Heal. I think I'll look this up and see what it's about.

[sassyone]

i'm sorry - no real advice to offer, but i can tell you you are not alone.
You asked about where to begin? i think you've taken two huge steps, in finding the courage to confide in someone and in reaching out here.
i also think finding a therapist - when you're ready to - is a good idea. Local crisis centers and hospitals can help in finding them. Not sure what the links are offhand, but you can search on the internet also. i would be lost without mine. As supportive as my husband is, there are things only my therapist knows.
You're used to dealing with things alone? You don't have to. A therapist (counsellor, whatever) can help lighten the load.
As for memories & flashbacks, the only thing i can offer is my own experience. i spend a lot of time just grounding myself - concentrating on my breathing; being aware of my surroundings, reminding myself that i am safe here and that the abuse is over, it's not happening now; sometimes just curling up & hugging a pillow helps. It gives me something solid to hold onto and provides a sort of barrier between me and the body memories. Sometimes taking a shower or bath helps: i can picture the sensations rolling off of me with the water.
just a few ideas i've found helpful over the years...
please remember you're not alone, and take care.

Sassy