When you are bad-help

I've always struggled with this feeling of being bad. Its what I'm supposed to talk about next time in therapy. The problem is..that I feel like I'm "SUPPOSED" to say that I feel that way becauseof sexual abuse. In fact, I feel that way more because of all the things I did after that time in childhood. I feel like a horrible person for acting out as a kid. Yes, I know you all will tell me that its common. But even in my teen years I was too interested in sexuality. Even as an adult I struggle with these things. Even worse...sometiems I can idealize sa so that the memories of it arent bad at all to me. So yes, i feel like a bad person. Its so hard to explain b/c i feel like no one will just believe that i am bad. Everyone will try to justify it. ugh there needs to be a smile where one can just throw themselves into the trashcan.
i want to change how i think..but I can't rationally get there. I hate being bad.
ev

ugh sorry everyone i havent gotten sleep in days

You have nothing to apologize for - not your post, and not your teenage behavior. Ya know...LOTS of teenagers are VERY sexual, even if they were not SA'd.

For me, it would be helpful to think not of regret, but of how that behavior impacts who I am today? Did you learn something back then? Are you different now because of that teenage behavior? Are you wiser now than then?

For me, I can't change how I feel exactly, but I TRY (not always successfully!) to change how I view myself in terms of my history and my age. That's just the best I can do now.

Take care of you

em

I always feel guilty about that that I do for myself that gives me pleasure... even going to the movies! I don't really know where the guilt stems from, it's not like we did anything to deserve what happened. Maybe you feel guilty for having a good sex drive because you think you shouldn't have one, that you don't deserve to have one. This is also a form of self punishment, not leaving physical scars but emotional ones. Do what you enjoy and remember that the guilt you feel is only in your head, you are not bad, not even for acting out. I think we all tried to cope with it in some extreme manner and feel bad about it, but don't punish yourself for too long. Make a fresh start, get up tomorrow and look at yourself in the mirror. Say to yourself that this is the new you... no more guilt. What's done is done and you can't change it, but you can change yourself. When you go out of the house, smile to the people you walk past, don't just keep your head down, and give someone you don't know a compliment. You can start a fresh leaf everyday...

Tanya

Would it help to think that (mostly) people aren't bad... we just do bad things sometimes? I think you sound like a pretty good person. It's normal to be interested in sex, and I think it's normal for kids to act out sometimes. There may be a few things you've done that you realize weren't good for you (or others), but that doesn't necessarily make you a bad person. Just try not to make the same mistakes in the future. Recognize that you're still learning & growing, and mistakes are part of that process.