[growlithing]

I'm not sure if I should ask this question here or in the ADHD forum, but I think this problem probably stems from past abuse rather than ADHD. I could be wrong though.

When I was a child, my mom controlled literally everything about my life. She woke me up in the morning, kept track of all of my homework and corrected it, told me when to shower, told me when and what to eat, what to wear, and until I was 13, she even brushed my teeth. She was basically a drill sergeant and a constant voice of judgement in my life, not a mom. She would manipulate me by sabotaging my self esteem and as a small child would beat me into submission and lock me in my room for 12 hours at a time without food as punishment.

Now I'm 19 and while she's still way too involved in my life for my liking, I have a lot of problems keeping up myself. I only shower once or twice a week, I forget to brush my teeth for sometimes weeks, I sometimes forget to drink water or eat properly, and forget about having a regular exercise routine. I know how disgusting it is that I can't seem to handle my hygiene and I really want it to be as easy and automatic as it is for the other girls my age. I feel really immature and disgusting because of this.

Does anyone else have this problem? Do you think it is a function of my past? How can I fix this?

[BLUEDOVE]

Hi,
I think it could be LITTLE growli,rebelling!
"You won't tell ME what to do,I'll do as I damn
well please!" In which case, you will have to
start talking to her (this is solid advice though
you may think it silly), make a relationship with
her,and try to come to understanding with her.
("you do this,and I'll do that kind of thing").
Even if this was not going on, considering what
you have been through,it would STILL be a
necessary and good for you,action to carry out.
If you need more info message me.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE.

[Perna]

I had/have that problem too (and I'm 62 now :-) because my stepmother was a bit like your mother, very controlling. Some of my behavior later was due to "rebellion" against the earlier control (I don't have to shower anymore, you can't make me!) and some was because I wasn't taught to care for myself! You have to practice behaviors before they become "yours" and we were not allowed to practice caring for ourselves and becoming self-starters, etc.

I was in therapy a long time and that helped me. Too, I finally figured out that my life was for "me" when I was 41 and taking a final exam in accounting and "wished" to myself that I had studied harder because I was having trouble with one problem I knew I should know but it was on the edge of my remembering. Suddenly I got the lightning bolt of understanding that it is supposed to be all for "me", not my stepmother, teacher, the grade, etc. Anything I do I should be doing because I have decided I want to do it.

I just applied to a really hard-sounding year-long course that might be boring but I am taking it anyway to help me practice doing stuff I think I want/need because that's what I want instead of being like the grasshopper in the grasshopper/ant story and just playing because it's "easier" and more fun?

Learning and doing new behavior (caring for yourself) is always difficult, for everyone, because it hasn't been learned/practiced before! We're all beginners in activities we haven't learned/done before. Book learning is not enough, you may know "about" something but you don't really know the experience -- I love that saying, "The map is not the territory".

Give yourself a fresh start and look at things with fresh eyes. Don't decide there is something bad/wrong with bathing only once a week and don't compare yourself to others and what they are doing, what they say/like/do/advise, etc. Do you wish you were cleaner/smelled better or bathed more often? Forget the "arguments" your mother taught you about smelling bad or not being liked or "everybody has to bathe every day"; all of that is wholly opinion, habit, and individual preference, like whether you like the toilet paper roll so the paper goes over the top or from underneath! There's no "right" way to bathe!

Did you ever see Richard Gere and Julia Roberts in "Runaway Bride"? I love the scene where Richard points out to her that she doesn't know herself, doesn't know how she likes her eggs, so later she cooks eggs every possible way there is and tries them and in the end tells him how she likes them best. Do some experimenting and write down everything you do each day for a week, absolutely everything, and at the same time, write down what you think you might like to do/work on and then puzzle it all out. Don't allow yourself to "should" yourself, really think about what you would like and figure out how you could start doing that, get it to become habit so you could start on something else. If you want to shower every day, decide on a time to shower every day and that becomes your activity. Enjoy your shower, buy yourself special soap or shampoo or a loofah :-) Experiment with how long you stay in the shower (we all know people who read on the toilet and "enjoy" that? I get in and out :-) how hot/cold you like the water, how you like the towel you have, etc. When you have showering down, start on learning to grocery shop or cook healthy/nutritious food, bed time rituals/sleep schedule, etc. Do a "caring for self bucket list"