[Faint]

I feel dirty and disgusting
having flashbacks
I tried grounding myself but its not working and i cant think of what else to do
i feel like i need to self injure as well
I am sitting in my bed room on the laptop with the radio playing and all i want to do is escape this
Most of this feels like my fault something i have done wrong
because with the abuse most of the time my body responded to what they did
i am dirty they got what they wanted from me used me like a toy
its all that i am for
Abuse

[Travelinglady]

I hope you will feel less dirty about yourself soon. It is not your fault you were abused. And, yes, some females do feel some sexual response. You had no control over how your body responded either.

Dear one, are you in therapy for your abuse?

[Faint]

No am not in therapy for the abuse
i was but was only allowed 7 sessions it was with a charity for people who have been abused but you can only get it once

Av asked my Psych for it but he said no that id be better off learning to deal with the flashbacks

[shezbut]

((((Faint))))

I am sorry that your Psych (psychiatrist, I take it?) or pDoc isn't working with you on how to get through life. Flashbacks are a problem when they lead to dissociation, but how in the heck are you supposed to deal with one aspect without dealing with the main cause of your problems?? I don't get it! Aaaargh!

There are online groups that offer live support, but their hours are limited. Check out the link below...

SuicideHotlines.net - Text-Only Hotline Listings For Suicide Prevention & Emotional Crisis

Otherwise, there is Suicide Prevention available through this site...

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - Lifeline Crisis Chat

I've called the number for the suicide prevention hotline, Lifeline, before...and they were very kind and supportive. I would imagine that their online care is similar.

[IronButterfly]

Originally Posted by Faint

I feel dirty and disgusting
having flashbacks
I tried grounding myself but its not working and i cant think of what else to do
i feel like i need to self injure as well
I am sitting in my bed room on the laptop with the radio playing and all i want to do is escape this
Most of this feels like my fault something i have done wrong
because with the abuse most of the time my body responded to what they did
i am dirty they got what they wanted from me used me like a toy
its all that i am for
Abuse

i'm very sorry this happened to you. i can understand your situation. i feel like this as well but no one deserves to be abused, don't feel like that. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. flashbacks happen but you have the willpower when they come will yourself to focus on something else. it take practice but you can do it. our body reacts to certain things, not our mind. i enjoyed some part of it as well and i hated myself for it but it's our bodies reaction.
stay strong and good luck with everything.

[Faint]

My husband wants sex all the time ...i play along ...but really am dying inside
i haven't told him because i don't want to hurt him

I cant talk about my flashbacks to my husband because my sister is here at the moment and my husband and sister are about to watch a film

Maybe i shouldn't be leading him on but i feel i want him close to me without having sex

I feel bad for doing this to my husband

[shezbut]

I can relate to your emotions towards sex, your hub, and guilt & self-hate. Not an uncommon effect of sexually abusive histories.

I don't know how to work through this major struggle on your own. Even with a T, and your hub, it takes time and hard work. I don't think that you should keep these strong emotions that you have inside. You need to open up and trust your husband. It isn't an easy task, I know. But, that's what part of you is yearning for ~ gentle understanding and support.

Some men are more helpful than others in situations like these. In the beginning, my ex-hub was understanding & willing to slow things down a lot to reassure me. After a few years, physical and emotional illnesses outweighed my desire to continue working on improving my sexual appetite. The result was rare sex and dissociation to get me through it. Not real healthy, as you can see. I felt incredible guilt and shame for everything. My self-hate continued to increase exponentially!

I strongly encourage you to try to be upfront and honest with your hub, and get individual help in working through your SA past. In the U.S., there are lots of county therapy resources that work with an sliding scale, which ensures that those with MH issues aren't avoiding necessary T, due to financial cost.

Sliding scale fees - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[Faint]

I talked to my husband about how am feeling
he was really understanding
he said he will only do things when i want him to but i have to tell him when am not feeling good
communication is key