[choosetolive85]

I was seeing a counselor when I could afford it and now I can't and I feel myself slipping.

A little backround first.
I gew up in a very abusive household. My mom wasn't the issue, my step dad was the one doing most of the screaming and hitting. When I got older she past away after committing suicide. This left me with two other very abusive siblings and for eight years I was beat physically and menatlly. I finally got the courage to x them from my life a little over a year ago.

I'm happier without them around however I feel lost. For so long everything about me was wrong, my personality, my looks, my feelings, everything about me they hated. (they acted like it anyways) Now here I am second guessing everything.

Growing up if I was sad or nervous I’m weak. If I’m mad I was a phsyco, if I was hurt I was being a drama queen who was too sensitive, if I couldn’t keep a friend if no one wanted to hang out with me I was the one who was wrong and who had the problem. I’ve been conditioned to think that everything about me is wrong or bad or un-wanted. It’s been more of a struggle now than when I had my abusers in my life. Before they told me who I was and now I’m out here all by myself trying to learn about me and trying to reverse everything I’ve been taught and it is a struggle. I don't know how to fix this. Can someone help me?

Is this normal? How do I fix this? it's bad and it feels like it's getting worse. I used to like who I am but I hate everything about me. I hate how i look, my personality, my talents, everything. I feel like a big black endless hole and there isn't a way out. why?

My two siblings were diagnosed with Narccasstic personality disorder, my mom was bipolar manic depressive. My counselor says thiere isn't anything wrong with me.........it's just me trying to reverse what I've been taught but how come I feel liek something is wrong?

[Frankbtl]

Hi, I'm really sorry you had to go through all that. But I'd say that it would be a really good start to get some support to help you with what you've been through, whether that's through your doctor making a referral, a support group or a charity/organization.
As for establishing YOUR identity though, at least that can be more in your hands now. You do know the abuse was about them, NOT you don't you? So whatever you did/whoever you were you DID NOT deserve that. NO-ONE is ever that bad/wrong so NEITHER were you. And I'm guessing you were abused for the slightest thing??? so HOW can that make you bad/wrong??
Now you have the chance to bring out the parts of you that you were maybe afraid to show before?? and begin to reflect on/experiment with who you want the new/free you to be. Of course, that's probably going to be a lot easier said than done, but with support you may be able to separate yourself more from what has happened to you.
Now I may be misreading the reversing what you've learnt bit but I'm thinking it may be a bit easier on you in challenging where those things came from, putting them back where they belong and replacing them with more reality based facts/recognition of things as they are. And those ARE naturally going to be a lot more favorable towards your looks, personality, talent......And you KNOW deep in yourself that you ARE more than what you've been told you are, you ARE a much better judge of value than they were.
And as for your counselor saying there isn't anything wrong with you, well I'd say that going through something like that is going to have an effect on ANYONE. So, yes, get the help and support you need AND deserve to get through this and to see the person who has SO much value underneath all of this clearly for yourself.
Best wishes
Alison

[GirlOfManyFaces]

It must be hard being you. But you have made it this far. So don't feel so bad about yourself. You're obviously stronger than you think. And I see that you said you hate your talents... Well even though you said you hate them, at least admitting you have talents shows me that you aren't too far gone I think you can do it. You may feel lost and confused but you're just trying to find yourself. Nothing is "wrong" with you. You just need to broaden the way you look at things. There isn't a specific way a person should be. You don't have to me a certain way to be "correct". Just be you and see where that takes you. I know you'll figure it all out eventually. Just be patient and keep us updated on how you're doing