Used at 14

Hey guys..

Where to begin really? I'm 23 years old and for a long time I thought that the things I've done or the way I'm feeling weren't right, but that everything was a result of what I'd done and the choices I've made.

I'm not entirely wrong but up until Monday night I suppose I'd blocked things out, plastered over them but never really addressed them.

I was out with my old friend and my boyfriend and we bumped into a man we hadn't seen in a while. He's now in his late 30s with a child. We regularly used to sleep with him when we were 14 years old; having "relationships" with him, believing we were grown up enough to do so. There were a few other men in this group who thought that at 14 we were fair game and had been targeted by them and their friends to which we rarely consented to, but they still used to try their luck.

That over and done with, I guess we never really mentioned it again, somehow we thought it was ok as there were a lot of girls in the group.

Having seen him the other day, it snapped into my head that it was wrong, and that as a result, my own judgement and views on relationships had been severely impacted by this. I crave attention from men, I associate sex with love and I find it increasingly hard to trust men.

Patterns were set and again, at 19, I found myself in a relationship with an older man, who turned abusive, even trying to pimp me out on the internet and giving me nice yellow bruises on my face for me to explain about at university..

I am now with a lovely man and have been for a year and a half, and I must have been putting him through hell.. I wonder why he's still around, but after this all came out on Monday for both me and my friend, I've finally found the answers to some of my erratic and scared behaviour..

I'm in the list for counselling but unfortunately there a long list, but my question to you is how can I start to have a normal life? How can I start to accept that love is deserved and it doesn't rely on sex all the time?

I'm not placing blame on anyone, i know more than anyone that I played my part and I do not want to be any kind of victim; I just want to be able to enjoy my relationship with a man who deserves so much more than I can currently give...

Thanks

Be true in the moment. Be honest with who you are with and open now. Don't dwell on the past.
I only say this because I lost my virginity when I was 14 to a man twice my age whom I was babysitting for. My innocence about the repercussions kept me sane for a while but echoed throughout my life. I have since been married for 37 years and remained faithful to my husband. That part is easy to say but our sex life is lacking because I can't initiate intimacy when I would love to be a confident sex goddess. I have issues I would rather not have and dealt the best I could. I saw that man recently and wanted to run, he is 70 years old? How dare he have influence over me now.
My advice is not to make an issue now or will screw you up later down the track.