[swtydoll21]

FYI - This contains some sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and bullying. I really need some help with this and I know it's really long.. I just don't have anyone to talk to about this I honestly have no one to talk to about this.. my bf gets mad when I bring this topic up and is beyond done with it.. My parents are completely non-objective and just wants me to forgive my evil sister and my sister is just well, the delusional one, not me as she was the viscious bully my entire life. I would hope I could get some help with this on what I should do about "Jane" my sister.

I have various thoughts of denial and confusion swirling in my mind of whether or not my older sister's treatment of me (my entire life) has been emotionally abusive or not.. I am leaning more towards it is. I don't know if I should forgive her.. I was hoping you all could help me (examples are below as well).

Again, some parts are all over the place and it is hard bc I have been wanting to talk to someone about this but I can't right now. And I can't see a Psychologist about this at the moment but will in the future. Please bear with my back and forth topics please.

I go in and out of wanting to forgive her as she has said sorry to me, but I really can't trust her and feel like she totally lacks empathy (even though she can cry..I feel it's crocodile tears.. I still don't trust her).

So my sister is 4 years older than I..I'm 27 she is 31 now. I really cannot remember a time when she was "genuinely" nice to me. I can only remember her laughing when I would get sad/start crying, she would say things like "you're so overly sensitive"/ "are you going to cry now? Don't cry little baby" / you were adopted that's why you don't look like anyone else in the family" etc. I have always wanted to have a friendship with her but she never wanted anything to do with me. I would steal her clothes cause I wanted to be like her but she just didn't give me the time of day. I would share my cool toy with her only to realize that I would never get it back again. When I'd ask for it, she said she doesn't have it anymore..

When she did hang out with me, I was her "puppet".. She would force me to "do a photoshoot with her" or basically, force me against my will to do things for her (for example, I would be her slave, get things for her, clean things up for her, etc). I was never seen or felt like an equal. I have always felt like I was walking on eggshells around her out of fear she would yell at me, throw things at me, or just be flat out mean. She would steal my toys and I remember seeing how happy she would get when I would cry.

I even remember her at 4 years old, she actually took advantage of me sexually.. she woke me up in the middle of the night and made me go on top of her and kiss and touch her. I was crying hysterically and still remember everything to this day. I brought it up when I was about 7 and asked her if she remembered doing that..she was 11 at the time and she said she doesn't remember doing that. So I believe she took advantage of me sexually, even if that occurred only once. Part of me feels like it didn't happen like it was a nightmare.. but I remember ALL the details. Is this considered sexual abuse or molestation even if it happened once?

Another incident of her (emotional) abuse involved taking a formal family picture.. I was 4 she was 8. It was a picture of my grandparents, she and I and I remember she made me cry RIGHT before the picture was taken.. She was SO happy in HER picture but you could tell I was crying. I brought this up to my parents and her the last time (July 2013) I had the "forced" family dinner I "had to" go to.. and they said "Oh come on, are you serious? You really think she purposely did that to you?? You can't be serious..". They all ganged up on me like I delusional..they have NO IDEA that is how she was the entire time I grew up with her!!!

I also remember in pictures where I am the HAPPIEST, she is SO unhappy, very grouchy looking.. does this mean she hated when I was happy?..This mis-matched personality was so obvious to ONLY ME.. everyone else is in denial about it as just because "I seemed happy at times", they don't really know that I really WAS scared and "walking on eggshells" around her constantly.

As I approached my teen years, the times when we would go out shopping (hardly but when we did) we would sometimes go to the clothing/misc items store called Ross'. She said "if I see anyone here, I'm going to tell them that YOU wanted to come here.. don't tell anyone I shop here". If it didn't protect her image, she would blame it on me. She didn't know that her "using me as her scapegoat" more than likely caused me to view myself as a second-class citizen which is how she has treated me my entire life.

Things got progressively worse as time goes on. I had suffered from social anxiety from the time I was about .. 13 til.. 23ish (I'm 27 now, and have cut ties with her for the past 2 years.. I saw her most recently in July 2013 at a family dinner my Mom forced me to go to .. I only went cause I HAD to.. I"ll explain this in a little bit..).. So anyway, goin back to my teen years.. I had always had a low self esteem and didn't know why. I now attribute it to her "trying to do what was best for me" which is what she would always say.. I remember her saying "oh god your voice is SO high pitched and screechy.." or "your make-up is so ugly".. or "your clothes.. ugh it's so ugly looking. Who would wear that??". She said that she only wanted to "help me" .. How was saying those things supposed to HELP ME?? I never felt accepted for who I was with her, and I don't feel I ever will). I later found out that "SHE" hated her voice as I heard her say it out loud, and that there were things about herself maybe she saw in me that reminded about herself. That's what I think about I definitely know she was projecting some of her self-hatred and taking it out on me.

My Mom always had said over the years "She has a really stressful job.. don't worry she is changed now"..She didn't mean to take it out on you, she takes it out on me too sometimes.. I said "I don't care HOW stressed out she or anyone gets.. that does NOT give that person ANY RIGHT to treat the other person like pure CRAP".. I had heard so many times that "she changed" from my Mom but she is SO SUBJECTIVE and "only wants a happy family" that it seems like she will do it at ANY COST even if that means I'm going to be treated like crap. Not saying she wants me to be treated like crap.. but she and my Dad so badly wants our family to be whole that they would want us to be "fake happy" than be separated.. We are Japanese-American so the concept of family and cutting ties would NEVER happen regardless of the family situation.. It was only until my bf realized the situation (non-Japanese) that he said (as well as my Psychologist) said that in order for ME to grow, I needed to cut ties with my sister as she is TOXIC and will ONLY BRING ME DOWN. Needless to say, the time I have been without her I have been THRIVING, I have been able to hold down a job and I have such a great self-esteem now!!) My bf who she wanted me to break up with was a HUGE reason to my success!!

Also.. my bf has told My mom and my dad "could you PLEASE not mention "Jane" (my sister) or try to get us to talk to her? (she has tried breaking my bf and I up even though he has been SO great to me. YES he has messed up, we have gotten into ONE physical ALTERCATION but he is the one that helped me quit drinking, smoking, using drugs, and is VERY POSITIVE..we have not gotten into a physical altercation after that). So ever since then "Jane" has hated him BUT, she doesn't know HOW much of a positive influence he is on me and she just wants to see me unhappy. I can see why she didn't want us together when she first found out we got into a physical altercation, HOWEVER, he profusely apologized, it never happened again, AND I was able to turn my life around and have been thriving ever since I cut ties with my sister).

Going back to my teen years.. when I was about 15 or so, that was when I started getting into alcohol and drugs. I dated a guy 7 years older than myself (he was 23) and so that made him 3 years older than my sister. She tried to protect me and said she would call the cops on him. In that sense, I thank her for that. BUT, that does not excuse her horrible treatment of me all those years. I think partially the reason why I went to the arms of an older sicko pedophile is bc 1) I had no self esteem (due to her), 2) my parents thought that giving us everything we wanted was going to make us happy but it didn't.. and 3) I was COMPLETELY mis-guided. Still during this time, she would put me down and say really hurtful things about me about how I looked, how I spoke, it seemed like I couldn't do anything right. My parents were there but being that they both had very crappy upbringings (overly strict parents), they kinda let us do whatever we wanted. So, my sister kinda "took over" as mother, even though my mother was there (she wasn't really a disciplinarian and my Dad wasn't either). They felt that everything my sister was doing "was normal sibling rivalry". It wasn't.

I didn't realize that my sister may be narcissistic until time started to go on. One of the most HURTFUL things she has ever said to me was that she had to move back to our hometown bc I was so messed up (I was struggling with alcohol at the time bc I was using it to self-medicate, probably from her emotional abuse all those years) that she didn't want my parents to feel they only had a messed up child. She said she had to overcompensate for me. She still has not apologized for that and I most recently brought it up at a family dinner I was FORCED to go to.. Which brings up another thing.

My mom thinks that "my sister was only trying to help" even though she made me feel SO horrible about myself. and my mom said that "her own mother and sister used to gang up on her" and I said well.. YOU should have cut ties with them too as I did with my sister. She said that's not acceptable and you can't do that to family. My bf is the one that encouraged me to do so since he sees how my sister has lied, manipulated my parents against my boyfriend and how they are blaming ME for "not wanting to talk to her". I don't want to talk to her bc everything out of her mouth is a lie! It's funny bc she said the same thing about ME when all those times, I WASN'T LYING she was!! She was projecting her faulty behaviors onto me!

As I mentioned, I had to go to a family dinner that I was FORCED to go to (I hadn't seen my sister in about a year bc I blocked her from calling me/texting and I chose not to see her).. my Mom said she wanted all of us (Mom, Dad, and 2 sisters together) since my bf and I were going to move out of state (I told her I absolutely DID NOT want to go bc she is NOT going to change, and I am not going to pretend to like her cause I don't). Well guess what. She tried doing her typical crap she usually does, which is..

She goes and tries to buy me something great/give me something (in this case, she tried giving me some of her expensive facial products since she works at a dermatology office (which I politely declined bc I am SICK of her trying to "BUY MY HAPPINESS" when in the past, I didn't know that was what she was doing until my bf pointed it out to me! In the past she would try to give me expensive designer crap and I didn't realize she was just trying to "buy my love" and then several weeks later when we were "SEMI-OK" she would say some really heinous things to me for no reason, then I don't talk to her for like 2 or 3 weeks then she buys me something/tries to take me out..and then the cycle repeats! Well, I had stopped that cycle thanks to my bf.. This had been going on for YEARS and my bf had noticed this quite early on .. (we have been dating for 3 1/2 years now). I had NO idea until he pointed that out to me. It was NO WONDER that I felt SO horrible STILL after getting her "expensive gifts".. it was bc she was STILL ACTIVELY putting me down even though she gave me those "designer gifts". Talk about her manipulations!

Even though I know this is how she is.. part of me feels SO guilty bc I KNOW my parents want us to be cordial BUT my bf does NOT TRUST HER.. She HAS got in between us before and I assured him now that we have been together for 3 1/2 years, NOTHING will come between us! She has also cussed him out for "ruining our family" (bc he wants to protect ME from HER) and he didn't respond or say anything back to her. He didn't even tell me in details or really at all bc he didn't want me to even respond to her in the slightest (he wanted to protect me). I realize that HE is the one that has been positive on me as I quit drinking and drugs while with HIM .. I was actually using heavily WHILE WITH HER cause she was putting me down! He messed up one time with the physical altercation, has truly changed from that incident and he is the one that boosts ME up daily!

I told my parents I would ONLY TALK TO HER "for my parent's sake" and the fact that I am a forgiving Christian, that I SHOULD overlook her mistakes. BUT... just the last time I saw her, SHE LIED TO ME FOR NO REASON!! I cannot trust this person.. and I don't know WHY lying comes SO natural to her!!..

An example of her most recent lie.. Just in July 2013 she said that she has a new facial cream that she wants my mom to use (she works in a Dermatology office) and I said "Mom doesn't need that.. it's going to make her look plastic-y" and she said "no, this is all natural, it doesn't make you look plastic-y it just makes you look more refreshed and awake". I said "ok..so" then I asked my sister if she used it and she said "No not yet.. my boss doesn't want me to" and I asked "why if it's so good why don't you?" and she said "bc it's going to make me look like this ____ and she made her face look like she had a face lift (implying that it would make her look plasticy". And I'm like what the F.. we are supposed to be going to a semi-cordial start and you are ALREADY lying to me??

To add insult to injury.. my parents are now blaming ME and my bf for not wanting to talk to her bc they said that "we need to grow up". My sister is the one that has started this entire thing and I told her a long time ago, if she had just tried NOT to "run my life" and "be my mother and instead making me hate and resent her" then we would have been fine. Instead, she completely disregarded MY feelings, making ME feeling like a second-class citizen and lies at any and every opportunity just BECAUSE. She also said that my relationship with my bf "is just for show.. and that we really have problems".. Um, first of all. SHE has the problems, my bf and I are both Christians who do NOT put others down for WHO THEY ARE, we do not use any drugs or drink like she does, and I do not spread rumors about her to my parents.. She really IS making me look bad in front of my parents and tells them that "my bf is the one that is ruining our family and she has cussed him out bc he is trying to protect me from her!" (He has seen me cry so much bc of how I wanted to have a relationship with her and she was so mean, manipulative and just cruel to me).

Other incidents that made me NOT trust her:

This was when we were doing "semi-ok" several years ago.. She said that I would need to help set up for my parent's wedding anniversary party bc a lot of people are going and I would need to help out. I said "OK I would.. I'll buy some stuff for it". Well, long story short, she ended up saying that I didn't do ANYTHING for the party (I told her I would help out but she didn't call me back or notify me or ANYTHING about what was going on when I was asking her! I said I would help) and come to find out, there was NO one that was even GOING , there was NO PARTY and my parents ended up going to Ruth's Chris by themselves as there was NO party so I have no idea what she was talking about). My parents said they hadn't even heard of a party even happening as they both had plans to just have a nice dinner (the 2 of them) alone. They said they didn't know what she was talking about!

She has told me over the years that that "I'm crazy"/ "I'm delusional" / "I have issues" / "I'm Bi-Polar" and that everyone knows that I am crazy. She has told her friends "my sister has mental issues" (probably because of HER ABUSE).. I have seen HER snort cocaine (lots of it), I have seen her lie straight to MY face for NO reason) she is "in sales" so my parents both say "it's in her blood to lie.. that's her job".. (so therefore they justify her lies"). Hah, and they really still expect me to talk to her?

Her selfishness ... She has done this on many occasions.. we had a box of chocolates, she'd go through every single chocolate and eat half and leave the other half there because she wanted to sample all of the chocolates herself. She would laugh when we all thought that was so disgusting. My parents wouldn't do anything about it like a lot of things that she did.

Once we were sitting by the Christmas tree and I said something to her she didn't like and she threw the scissors at my face. My Dad was sitting right next to her and he said "I shouldn't have said that". Oh really? But you didn't say anything about her throwing the scissors at me.

She and my parents said "that is the past" and I said that is what I'm basing her behavior on and she STILL lies to me, most recently in July 2013 after a year of not talking.. what gives?!

I know this is so long but could you please tell me what I should do? I now live in a different state and my bf said that he would be OK with me talking to her "when we have time that has passed" as everything is SO fresh (again, he knows that bc of my wanting her approval all these years that I would listen to her and I have actually in the past broken up with him once bc of her brainwashing).. I would NEVER break up with him again!!

Part of me wants to forgive her but I know he will NEVER have anything to do with her. He has tried to meet with her on 3 separate occasions in the past but she was a 'no-show' so he is done with her. Plus, she tried breaking us up.

I believe she has "the first born syndrome" , is a BULLY, and genuinely liked to "be above me". I feel she has hugely narcissistic tendencies and she said that I am just a victim (I am not the one that bullied for NO reason and put her down for NO reason.. NO one ever did that to her!!).

I have tried to explain to my Mom and Dad how I feel but they said "She is family and that I am a Christian and I should forgive her". It is NOT that simple, esp when she just lied to me at the "family dinner I was forced to go to" and I told her she still hadn't apologized to me for that comment that she "needed to overcompensate for me" when I was struggling with alcohol in the past. My mom brings up HER experience and how it was worse with HER sister and mother ganging up on her and picking on her. I said "this is not a competition Mom, I do NOT want to have her a part of my life". I know this is killing my parents and they both cried the last time I was there since I blew up at my sister at the "forced dinner". She did say sorry to me but I don't believe her. My sister is still blocked from contacting me..

What would you do if you had a sister like this? Forgive her or be done with her forever? Again, my life is great without her but my parents both cried over this and it makes me SO sad for them.. I could care less about having a relationship with her as I felt I never had one.

Thank you so much for your response in advance. I really just need some advice on this.

[gayleggg]

Just a thought. You can forgive someone and still keep them out of your life because they are toxic. Forgiveness in my opinion is a state of mind that let's you let go of the offense(s) and move on with your life. I don't believe it entitles you in anyway to put up with such disrespect from your sister. It is sad your parents couldn't admit the bullying that they had to have seen when the two of you were young and put a stop to it then. You will need to forgive them too, for not being there for you when you were growing up. I think when you do get in therapy you will need to work on forgivenss for them and your sister but for your sake not their's. You will have to just let your parents own their own feelings about the matter. You need to take care of you. Good luck

[unaluna]

So why do you have to do anything about this now? Are you being pressured to make plans for the holidays or something? I think you are lucky to have your bf. I am Italian-american, so I get the family "stuff" - asian, italian, east indian - we all get that family carp! I also think you are lucky to have gotten away at such a young age - I waited too long. I would make an excuse for the 2013 holidays, then again for 2014... It's hard, but they made their choice a long time ago. Now you are making your choice. You have had enough of their nonsense. It's not a joke anymore. They can't fool you anymore. Just get mad. You matter.

[nicoleflynn]

As an adult, you have choices. A good book is "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud. I highly recommend it! you do not "have" to do anything someone tells you to do.

Don't allow your parents to "guilt" you into anything or manipulate you. That stuff is emotional blackmail. Don't discuss your sister with them, or respond to anything you aren't comfortable with....this is where good boundaries come in. Knowing when to keep toxic people out and or/let certain people in.

[swtydoll21]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

Just a thought. You can forgive someone and still keep them out of your life because they are toxic. Forgiveness in my opinion is a state of mind that let's you let go of the offense(s) and move on with your life. I don't believe it entitles you in anyway to put up with such disrespect from your sister. It is sad your parents couldn't admit the bullying that they had to have seen when the two of you were young and put a stop to it then. You will need to forgive them too, for not being there for you when you were growing up. I think when you do get in therapy you will need to work on forgivenss for them and your sister but for your sake not their's. You will have to just let your parents own their own feelings about the matter. You need to take care of you. Good luck

Hi there Gayle, thanks so much for your response. I agree that I could forgive without having her in my life. I actually at one point said "I forgive you but that doesn't mean I want to associate with you". I have realized though, that for myself, even though I "really" do not want to forgive her, it is killing me with the guilt of my parents and also, the fact that she has been trying to reach me. I majored in Psychology and really do believe that people CAN be rehabilitated if they have the desire to change and the willingness to admit and deeply understand their mistakes. I am going to say that I am VERY, VERY CAUTIOUS though, and have told my parents that I will contact her via email in the next 30 days (then we'll see how things go from there).. so I'll be contacting her sometime in the first week of November. I know she'll be on her best behavior, so I'm not expecting much for the next.... 5 months with her. BUT.. I should try to keep an open mind, afterall, I am trying to "start over".

My bf obviously was NOT happy at my decision to want to speak with her because she has really been so horrible to him, trying to break us up etc. It even came to a point where he said to choose her or him so i ended up choosing him. But I did explain to him how this is something I NEED to do, and that HE is #1 and NOTHING will ever come between us (I allowed her to come in between us in the past cause I thought she had good intentions and at that time, my bf and I were only dating for about a year or so). But anyway, I told him HE is my PRIMARY family now, and I'm so sorry I let her come between us. He said that he understands this is important to me BUT do NOT expect him to EVER give that witch the time of day (again, he has tried to speak with her on 3 separate occasions in the past and she was a no-show) so he said to hell with her. Oh, and also, she randomly saw him in an elevator at our old building (she lived there as well) and she cussed him out saying that he is ruining my family bc he doesn't allow me to talk to her. He didn't tell me in detail what she said or even the main jist of it because he wanted to protect me from her and not want me to retaliate back. When she cussed him out he didn't say ANYTHING and he didn't even make any facial reactions at all. He just let her say whatever she wanted to say. He knew she just wanted a reaction.. He is SUCH a great a protective and an amazing bf

My parents were both very understandably happy, however, I am of course reluctant to even GIVING her another chance. I have hated her SO much that I ended up feeling apathetic towards her after a while.. The quote I used to have stuck in my head while thinking about her was "Hate destroys the vessel that carry it".. SO true. I couldn't even look at two sisters on a TV without feeling enraged and resentful and nightmares carried over into my life bc of her. I think I need to learn to forgive her, and if she really DOES turn out to be the monster that I think that she is, I will DEFINITELY need to cut her out. I'm giving her another chance because I am no longer an alcoholic/druggie as in my past (when she was trying to "help me") and my life is so wonderful now (probably because I am not talking to her, HAH.. but ok, I do need to be semi-cordial and forgive her cause I think it would be good for MY health).

Thanks so much again for your response!

[swtydoll21]

Originally Posted by hankster

So why do you have to do anything about this now? Are you being pressured to make plans for the holidays or something? I think you are lucky to have your bf. I am Italian-american, so I get the family "stuff" - asian, italian, east indian - we all get that family carp! I also think you are lucky to have gotten away at such a young age - I waited too long. I would make an excuse for the 2013 holidays, then again for 2014... It's hard, but they made their choice a long time ago. Now you are making your choice. You have had enough of their nonsense. It's not a joke anymore. They can't fool you anymore. Just get mad. You matter.

Thanks Hankster for your response. Thoughts of needing to forgive my sister and feelings of internal hatred for her has caused me severe stress and mental anguish. It has nothing to do with the holidays and I just feel like for myself, I must break free from this mental bondage and power that she has over me. If not forgiving for HER sake, I will forgive for MY sake and also my parent's sake as well. If she is serious about making a HUGE change like my parents have been saying, then fine, I will give it a go, again, at least for MY sake (yes I am being selfish here bc all these years SHE has been selfish and I feel it is only fair for myself that I do what is best for ME, esp when I didn't freakin ask for a b-word of a sister to begin with).

And yah, I could imagine for you in an Italian-American family, the importance of family closeness and cohesiveness. My bf is very much family-oriented as well but had to cut ties with his own sister bc of VERY messed up reasons. It must be really hard for you as I know it has been very difficult for me as well.

I hate seeing it as "they made their choice" as you said, but it is true. I have felt that "all they wanted was a close family unit, and they felt that we were dysfunctional in ways which is no different from any other family (wrong)".. considering both my parent's parents were very cold and non-loving or supportive in any way. So, my parents were VERY open-minded, liberal and let my sister and I basically run amok and get whatever we wanted (bad parenting but coming from a loving place). I felt that because my parents had suffered so much, that a little sibling rivalry wasn't that big of a deal. Well guess what? It's called sibling abuse and though it wasn't as severe as what THEIR parents made them suffer, I TOO suffered a LOT in my own way and it f*n SUCKED and I am STILL feeling the after-effects of that b-word's wrath.

Oh I also have to mention that my sister is a drug-addict (cocaine fiend, very well connected to the pharmeceutical world and doctors as she was a pharm sales rep and is now a dermatology sales rep). So yea I don't know if I could trust the B but I'll find out, won't I.. That's the risk I'm willing to take so that I WILL have peace of mind (one way or another I will have a peace of mind, whether it will be from 1) being cordial with her and having some sort of relationship OR 2) Really seeing that my thoughts on her as being a monster was right, and that I really DO need to cut her off. We'll see what happens.

Thanks again for your help

[swtydoll21]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

As an adult, you have choices. A good book is "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud. I highly recommend it! you do not "have" to do anything someone tells you to do.

Don't allow your parents to "guilt" you into anything or manipulate you. That stuff is emotional blackmail. Don't discuss your sister with them, or respond to anything you aren't comfortable with....this is where good boundaries come in. Knowing when to keep toxic people out and or/let certain people in.

Hi NicoleFlynn, thanks so much for your book referral. I know I don't "need" to do anything they want me to do, it is just SO hard bc on one hand, my parents admit their mistakes and say that they should have disciplined her more, yet on the other hand, they tell her off and bi.tch her out but she already feels like she is above them (and everyone else). As mentioned in my other responses, I will give her a go (I am no longer drinking/using drugs/I am very stable now), and will see if things are better. I will say that I did try to speak with her whilst I have been sober (been sober for about 3 years), but still saw how dominating and forceful her personality is overall. I didn't like it. BUT, I will try to forgive her and give MYSELF that peace of mind that I DESERVE and will no longer surrender power to that b-word.

You are SO right about my parents "emotionally black-mailing" me. As jacked up as that sounds, that really is what they are doing. My bf is the one that had told me about "boundaries" in the past (with regards to my parents NEEDING to respect them) and we had respectfully asked them to NOT bring my sister up in ANY circumstance, and what do they do? Every once in a while they say "Jane did this.. or did that" ..or "we're going to visit Jane's friends" (SO the hell what!!) .. Just 3 weeks ago my mom said "oh ..Jane (sister) is going to Oregon with your Dad for your Dad's bday, they're going to watch a professional basketball game".. (this was JUST 3 weeks ago.. didn't I tell you, oh I don't know.. a year or 2 ago and in between that I didn't want to hear about her??!). I just said "oh that's great! " .. like wtf do I say to that, I'm tired of getting pissed about it. Then I changed the subject.

I feel HORRIBLY for my bf because my mom actually brought up my sister at 2 different birthdays of his (I ruined his first bday by breaking up with him a week before his bday but that's bc we were early on in our relationship (a couple of months of dating) and I wasn't sure about us.. I was SOOO WRONG!).. Anyway, so my mom bringing up my stupid b-sister caused my mom and I to get into a HUGE fight ..HUUGE fight (my sister was not invited) but ever since then... my bf does not celebrate bdays cause he said it is jinxed. I tried doing a celebration for him for this year (his bday was this past August) but he said he didn't want anything, no celebration, NOTHING. I Gave him a card and he barely accepted that. Going back to my mom.. I can't f*ng believe my mom did that (OF ALL THE DAYS!??!! ON HIS BDAY?!) and now my bf does not celebrate bdays.. SO pissed about that. (btw my mom was saying how we need to forgive her and that she is a changed person blah blah same shi.t she has been saying for the past 3 years).. SO pissed she did that to my bf.

It is so sad for me because my bf hates my sister so much, that he said he doesn't want to get married to me. I told him do NOT allow her to have that much power over OUR relationship. He said that he knows either my parents or I may want her there at our wedding and I said NO I DON'T and that is NOT fair to me. He said that he absolutely feels she is SO toxic, and he doesn't know if he wants to deal with her the rest of his life. I told him that I will NOT make him talk to her ever again, and he said that he is just concerned about "I may have a huge change of heart in the future (she is VERY... VERY manipulative and subtly and overtly persuasive so he is VERY afraid of her influence over me). Again, I reassured him that HE IS MY MAIN FAMILY NOW which was something I hadn't learnt about in the past (I have realized as he told me, that my bf (life partner) is my PRIMARy family now, not my parents anymore.. they are my family BUT my life partner is my PRIMARy family now.I have told him NOTHING will come between us and HE IS NUMBER 1 ). So anyway, I just hope that we could get married one day as we have been dating for almost 4 years and I wouldn't want that B to have so much power over our relationship. I KNOW he loves me SO freakin much but he really hates thinkin about how he would have eternal ties to the B by marrying me. I told him it wouldn't be like that cause I KNOW he wouldn't ever talk to her again (not that I'd want him to anyway cause I don't care if they have a relationship).

Sorry for goin off topic.. I don't have people to talk to about this (obviously) lol

Thanks for reading & responding hun!