[blueredgrey]

I was sexually and verbally abused by my father in my early teens. I have recovered well...I think . My father is no more. My mother and brother have NO IDEA of the kind of person he was. My family, extended family, his colleagues, neighbors, etc. hold him in very high esteem....and FIRMLY believe that God can make a mistake...but my father can't.

They think of him as Dr. Jekyll....only I know about the Mr. Hyde.

I've been toying with the idea of confessing to my family. I have my reasons....I feel things would improve in family. On the other hand, it may completely backfire. They may not believe it AT ALL....and I may lose what's left of my family.

It's my word against him. I recently did confess to my family that dad's calling me "stupid" so many times has affected my self-esteem (didn't even use the word "verbal abuse")....my brother rejected that notion and my mother ignored it.

I can live without telling them anything and let them live in this delusion that everything was "perfect" in family. On the other hand....I am seeing cracks in the family....the truth may hurt them...but it may make them realise of all the emotional abuse they endured at his hands and start healing (my father often told us that he wanted to leave us...he never did).

If you were me, would you confess??

Do you have any experience in confessing to family??

[Open Eyes]

Are you seeing a therapist right now?

You say you live in India I am wondering if you are Indian and may have different customs that may make "telling" harder on "you". The "most" important person in this picture is "you" and "what is best for you".

Often when someone chooses to finally talk about the abuse they suffered, she doesn't get the kind of response that is "helpful" to her. As with anything "bad" people often respond with "disbelief" at first. Depending on the people you tell, sometimes they will "not accept" it and can be dismissive or want you to not talk about it. Often people "prefer" to believe that their father/spouse was a good person and in good standing and they will not allow themselves to think differently. Sometime the "victim" gets blamed for what happened too.

You should be able to talk about it, but it really depends on what kind of people and customs they have in a situation like this. Always remember, the most important person who needs to feel "safe" is "you" and the only thing that would benefit you by "telling" is if you would get support and care and comfort.

Sorry that you experienced that.
((Caring Hugs)))
OE

[tinyrabbit]

I would strongly recommend you talk this through with a therapist and work through all the potential scenarios and how you might feel about them. I think you need to ask yourself what kind of response you're realistically likely to get, what you're expecting and why. All too often, families don't respond the way you want and it can end up being more hurtful.

I can't speak for your family, but in mine... these things were not so secret, and people did know, and realising that has been very hard.

[blueredgrey]

Thank you for your reply guys!

@ Open Eyes.....believe me, I've come to the conclusion that human beings maybe socially different in different countries, but individually, they all are just the same. What rules work in US, works in India too!

@ TinyRabbit....I am no longer seeing a therapist....coz there is nothing to work on......I'm no longer depressed, I've accepted that I was molested. I was a sex addict, I've better control over my compulsive m'bation. I had maladaptive daydreaming, I have better control over it...though my T felt that I can completely never get rid of it, since it's my first option in case of stress.....but yes, I will join T again to get rid of it completely.

The only reason why I wanted to tell was because....perhaps 2 things can happen. 1, they may accept it.....which is win-win for me. or 2, they may completely not believe me.....but atleast comments singing praise of my dad wouldn't hurt me.

One day I may tell my brother.....just don't know when that would happen!!

Thanks for answering!!

[gayleggg]

I agree with TinyRabbit about talking to a therapist before you do anything. You could manage to lose your family, if they choose not to beleive you. Think very carefully before you tell all.

I am sorry these things happened to you at the hands of your father, who you should have been able to trust. Best wishes. And we here at PC are with you which every road you take.

[nicoleflynn]

Yes, I would speak to your therapist.....There is a saying: "You are only as healthy as your biggest secret(s). I may have misquoted some, but that is close. Family members don't want to hear the truth, so if you speak, you will have to live with the consequences. As for "confessing"----you didn't do anything, so you have nothing to confess....words are powerful, so you might consider using the word.....exposing the truth....secret. Then there is "the truth shall make you free."

[blueredgrey]

@ gayleggg - thank you so much!! Yes, I will definitely go through the permutations and combinations or possible response before I speak out. Thank you so much for your support.

@ nicoleflynn - wow! I never thought of that when I wrote "confess", but you are right. One day, I would speak out about what happened to me, to my family. Just don't know when the right time would be. Thank you so much for your response!

[tinyrabbit]

I agree re confessing.

I would say tell, or disclose - but not confess.