[AngstyLady]

Ok, so I posted like two weeks ago about being raped. I didn't file a report and have not talked to the dude (my ex) and he kept trying to call me and texted me. He even stopped by my place of work one time being all friendly like he was going to smooth things over because he felt bad about what happened. I finally texted him that I didn't want to talk to him anymore because I thought it was best after everything that has happened.
I shouldn't have talked to him anymore anyways.
So, this was over a week ago and he hasn't responded to my text or tried to call me anymore.
Damn, so now I'm having these weird feelings, like I want him to try and contact me again . . . . . I don't know why.
Like, so I tell him off? I don't know what I'm feeling right now.
Am I effed in the head? I don't get why I feel like this.

[kaliope]

maybe because he was your boyfriend, you are feeling the loss of that relationship despite what happened. lonliness does weird things to people. they are able to overlook a multitude of sins of their partner rather than face the idea of being alone. focusing on the negative things he did to you should rid you of the desire to contact him. take care of yourself. if you are not in counseling, get some.

[blueredgrey]

So sorry you were raped!

I sincerely hope you are seeing a T. Sometimes, we underestimate our mental pains and end up getting hurt a lot more. Please make it a point to continue T. You can push things like that under the carpet and think that you'll get over it. You need to heal your mind.

What you are feeling is not uncommon. I guess it is similar to Stockholm Syndrome. I also guess that's why many rapes and sex abuses never get reported. I never told anyone when I was being sexually abused....instead, I convinced myself that my abuser (my father) was actually doing it because he was going through tough times at work and the fact that his father was dying off cancer.

We feel a sense of protecting the perpetrator. You initially HATED him for all he did....and I'm guessing, you suddenly have a feeling of protecting him, that's why, you are wishing he'd contact you, so that you can get closure on this incident. We sort of want to diminish the pain by "not making a big deal" out the crime against us.

Fight this urge dear. Work with your T. See if you can get this creep arrested (because he may rape again). He doesn't deserve ANY sympathy or care or to that matter protection. Give yourself some time. You'd mortally hate this guy when you are healed. But I sincerely hope that he'd be in jail then.

Good luck!!

[gayleggg]

Hi, AngstyLady, it is hard when the person is someone you know and have loved and trusted. I, too, suggest you get counseling if you haven't already. Do not contact this person. He cannot be trusted. Believe me it won't be any different than before, except he might hurt you worse. You deserve better.

[AngstyLady]

Yeah, I got over this feeling, I think it was bitterness. Like I wanted him to try and contact me again so I would lose my cool with him.
I keep myself so calm and collected, I don't even realize when I stuff down feelings anymore. I'm actually not even bothered by the whole thing anymore.
I don't know if that says something about my feelings of self worth or what.
Like, it took four rapes that I was thinking about to write that heated poem- but now I don't feel like I'm even angry for what he did (the most recent occurrence), just sorta a mixed feeling of sadness and emptiness.
I'm not seeing a Therapist. My psychiatrist keeps telling me I should, but I really don't have the funds.
I think I have some good healthier coping skills. I should be fine . . ..