Sorry!

I have a habit that has followed me into my adult life from my childhood. Sorry. I guess you need a little background. My mom's Crazy Aunt tried to kill her when she was six. This is terrible. As a result people with Mental Illness scare her. When I was six or seven I started having symptoms of bipolar. My mom did not intentionally hurt me, but she would freeze and leave whenever I was weird or worse. I thought I was a monster if even my mom was afraid of me. These were the times I needed her most. To cope I started apologizing to her in hopes of keeping her in the room. Now whenever I feel uncomfortable or afraid I apologize. I've been trying to break this habit for over a decade. It feels like it is so instantaneous that I have no control. Each time I say sorry inappropriately I am getting a flashback of abandonment. I don't know how to fix this. I want to type sorry now. Sorry.

p.s. The words Crazy and weird are my moms in this case. Those are the words she used to describe the situation to me. It's not to offend anyone.

I would suggest counseling if you haven't already. Abandonment issues run deep but with work can be worked through.

Dear RR18, so sorry for what you've been through. Both you are your mom need a therapy and you both need to take some sessions together.

Your mom, never coped up with the trauma of being attacked by sister. Instead, she just swallowed it and never dealt with it. You deserved unconditional love and support from your mom, but since she never dealt with her trauma - you were made to feel guilty for something you had no fault. That has given you a very unhealthy behaviour of dealing with things by apologising.

Dear, pls stop apologising for no fault of yours and start taking action. Pls find a therapist which both you and your mother are comfortable with.

Good luck!!

I am in therapy. I am working on it. But... my mom won't take part in therapy.

funny i used to say sorry all the time as well, for me i said it because i thought people would like me more. it is possible to retrain your mind i have.
hypnotherapy has helped me work through a lot of issues it might help you.
take care

Dear RR18,

Good to know you are in therapy. Hope you recover well from it. If your mother is not ready for therapy....then you really have no choice but to emotionally distance yourself from her.....start accepting the fact that you may never have the kind of relationship with her which you need or imagine . Accepting it, will bring some amount of closure.

Good luck!!