Not sure on how to call this..

Idk why he is this kwam lately.. It didn't used to be this bad.
I stayed home sick today and so he came home for lunchbreak.
And he told me to turn around on my stomach and well I guess I don't need to say what happened.
And then he came back upstairs and said he wanted a bj and ugh i just cant wash and svrub this feeling of my skin.

Dear Cas,

Good to know your brother are not bullying anyone...sorry for assuming that.
No kid should be in a position where they have to hide energy bars and substitute it as dinner.

You know, parents who tell their kids that they'd give them "good food" if they score well in school and "bad food" if they score poorly....are disgusting parents and are ruining their child's esteem.

Providing food is one the BASIC duties of parents. Even animals do that - at great expense. But to dangle the carrot of your basic right - food and doing something criminal.....that's just repulsive, repugnant, disgusting, revolting, monstrous, sickening, atrocious, despicable.

I am going to stop calling him your father....and just refer him as AAA (alcoholic abusive a-hole). He expects you to give him a bj when you are sick?????????????????

Dear Cas....why are you tolerating this deplorable abuse???????? Why are you protecting this man who is doing something so criminal????????

I just want to tell you something .....2 somethings.

#1. All criminals, when they ask something specific as NOT TO DO....that's something you should exactly do. Rapist who says..."just go with the rape without shouting and I won't kill you."......the woman should just shout....coz that may stop the rape....but there is no guarantee that the rapist may not kill her, even if she complies, after he has extracted what he wants.

#2. We all face situations where we have something difficult to say. Like once, I had to quit a job within a month of joining....my boss had stuck out his neck to get me the job....and I was quitting. It was difficult...I just wished I could be buried instead of telling. I wish I could just walk out and never return. But that's unprofessional. But once I said....things became light and easy.

The reason I gave the above example is because - no matter how difficult things are to say - if it's the right thing to do, once you tell, it becomes just easier to deal with. You are making it difficult in your head. Reality is not that way you imagine it.

Cas, you may think you are protecting your family from the truth. You are not doing that. Instead, you are letting AAA build a lie and live in that.

My father molested me many times - forcibly kissed me...., entered my room naked, fondled me.... I swallowed it all, to "protect" my mother. I am an adult now...and take it from me.....you are not protecting their feelings. My mother's marriage is a lie and she feels "empty". My brother turned emotionally abusive and achieving way, way below his potential. I DEEPLY REGRET not telling back then. Don't make the same mistake Cas.

Yes, it's very difficult to tell. How do you know your mother and brothers will be hurt? They may be shocked....then they may be angry at AAA. Hurt is not something they'd feel.....maybe just hurt by the fact that they were not there to protect you.
The feeling may last for a few days (i've had many earth shattering moments....believe me, it passes real quick), maybe a few months or a few years....but that feeling WILL PASS. It would be a LOT shorter than the abuse.

Think again....what's so bad if your mother and brothers come to know??

That "hurt" may last a very short time....but man is surprisingly good at moving on. You don't have to feel like you "ratting out" or betraying your family. Whatever your family feels....only AAA would be responsible for that.

And don't feel like you are making any sacrifice by tolerating abuse and hiding truth about AAA from your family. You are letting yourself be manipulated by AAA and helping him build a delusional world for family. He's counting on you not to tell so that he can run his "torture house" as per his whims and fancies. Betray him by telling the truth and doing the right thing....the way he betrayed your trust, your brothers' trust, your mother's trust by doing the wrong thing.

Give a little payback and talk to child protection anonymously....it would be the right thing to do.

Though I don't think they'd put you in a foster home.....but even if they do....would that be so bad??? Child Protection services try to keep family together. Whatever happen will happen for good. Nothing will change without intervention by CPS.

If you tell child protection - you will have enough food at home, access to free therapy, you will not be hit or have your hand burned, your brothers will not be hit anymore, your brothers will have access to free therapy, you will not have to give bjs, no sexual abuse.

AAA may get the intervention he needs to make him from AAA to your father. He may be temporarily be kept away from you guys....but it may have a happy ending.

Cas, you don't have to go through all this abuse when full stop to all this abuse is a call away. You deserve a secure home where you are NOT abused. Help is there for you.....why not avail it?? Why do you want to go thru so much abuse so that AAA can get away with his repulsive criminal acts?? If he's really sooo concerned about not "hurting" your mother, he shouldn't be sexually abusing you in first place!!!!!!! This whole "don't hurt you mother" is just a ruse to guilt trip you into carrying out his heinous actions.

Just anonymously mail CPS and see their response on what they can do. Whatever happens to AAA....he absolutely would deserve that. Whatever "hurt" your mother and brothers feel - it won't last long. If you are sent to foster home....it's better...in the long run.

You are put in a very difficult place Cas. But it's not more difficult than what you've gone thru or will go thru in the next few years. Just talk....it's better for everyone - your brothers, your mother....but above all - you. Who knows, it may also be beneficial for AAA and turn him into your father. Bottling up will help no one. Hear it from survivors who have been there and take lessons from the mistakes we made and regretted it!!

Pls, do talk about the reasons which is holding you from making that call and getting help. What are the reasons you want to keep hiding it?? We're here to help!

I don't want to talk about it
It scares the crap out of me just thinking about talking about it
I'm scared of what's going to happen
What if they don't believe me
What if my mother and brothers will be mad I spoke about this
What if everyone finds out it was my fault my mom is in a wheelchair
I don't want everyone to find out how disgusting I am and what things i have to do for him
I don't want to lose my mother and my brother
I don't want him to go to jail or something because of me
If I was a better son, if I hadn't put my mom in a wheelchair none of this would have to happpen.
That's just some things. I just feel terrible and disgusting and I don't want everyone else to say that about me too.. I guess I'm just to coward to try and change anything anyways. I don't know what to think anymore.
I just wish it was only the beatings, I can deal with those I deserve those anyways so it's fine.

Thanks for sharing your reasons to stay quiet. I share many of those same fears. But I also regret not telling anyone. I'm 25, my parents are in their late 40's. Since I never told my mom what my dad did to me I'm going to live the rest of my parents' lives with this huge burden. Probably another 20 years give or take.

It gets easier to talk about the more you do it. You could try writing it in a word document on your computer and either delete it or password protect it so no one else can read it. The unknown is scary but no worse than what you are experiencing now and will have a better outcome. They will believe you. Why would someone lie about that? Your not disgusting. What your father is doing to you is horrible and he is disgusting but that has no reflection on you. You don't deserve the beatings. You deserve to be safe and protected.

Dear Cas,

I know exactly how you feel. You probably feel like you deserve the punishment....you must have done something wrong....and all you are going thru is for that. You feel like talking about it will leave your family shattered and broken. You feel like by talking, you are betraying your family. You feel like you will be in a lot of trouble if you speak the truth.

I felt exactly the same....mebbe 16 yrs back. I have walked that road. Today, as an adult when I look back....I deeply regret not talking to anyone. Things could have been so much different if I had talked. Unfortunately, very few abused kids have the right sense to call Child Support. Most swallow it....especially when the abuse stops and they think they can move on. Many forget what happened. It's only when as adults they face problems - anger issues, depression, PTSD, substance abuse and what not....they look back at the abuse and realise it as the root cause of the problems they face. THEN they regret not talking. As adults, we have a much more mature view of the situation and realise....that all the fear that kept us from talking are very trivial reasons. Silence was a mistake. Talking about it was the right thing to do....and it still is.

We should have talked and told someone.

But no point in crying over spilled milk. But you can learn from out mistakes!

I wish to address your concerns. I apologise if you feel overwhelmed or smothered

"I don't want to talk about it"

No one wants to talk about it. But some things in life have to be said, especially if it involves abuse and talking about it protects yourself or your loved ones. You will not be selfish or a backstabber if you talk about your abuse. If the very people who are supposed to protect you, harm you.....you have no option but to protect yourself and getting the help you need. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL. Please call CPS. They'd help end abuse in your family, help AAA lose his addiction, help you get meals....help you and your brothers with much needed therapy.

"It scares the crap out of me just thinking about talking about it"

I know the thought talking is very scary....but let me assure you....it would be NOTHING like what you imagine in your head. You are making it big and scary in your head. Rothfan has given a very good suggestion....why don't you type out stuff and delete....it would help you prepare to talk. Why don't you imagine talking? Why don't you create a character based out of you and AAA and type out a story full of facts about the stuff AAA is doing? Maintain a secret blog online which only you can view.

Talking may seem scary in your head, but what AAA is doing to you is scarier. The more you imagine talking about it, the less scary it would get to talk.

You can always start with an anonymous email to CPS, without giving personal details about what you are going thru. If you feel comfortable, you can talk more.

"I'm scared of what's going to happen"

Future is unknown and that's why it is scary. But present, the physical and sexual abuse is scarier. Whatever happens, will not be worse than what is happening.

Whatever will happen, will happen for the good. You may not see it immediately....but future you will really thank you for talking to CPS. These people know what's best for the child. Ending the abuse, ensuring you get therapy and enough to eat would be their first priority. AAA will not mend his ways by a sudden attack of conscience. It needs intervention from other people.

CPS' first priority is to ensure child's safety....and they'd do everything they can to do that. AAA is not trust-able with you and your brothers - give CPS a chance.

"What if they don't believe me"

What if they believe you? Your brothers are protective about you. They may believe you. If your mom doesn't believe you, you keep talking till everyone believes you.

Having the backing of CPS is necessary. CPS ppl handle hundreds of such cases every month. They will definitely believe you. These people are trained to assess situation and how to help abused children. They can paint the whole picture just by looking at your reaction.

Probably, your family will also believe you. Unless you talk, you may never know.

What if my mother and brothers will be mad I spoke about this

Why would they be mad at you dear? You have not done anything wrong. They will be only mad at AAA. Whatever reaction they feel - you neither would be the cause of it, nor or you responsible for it. Each person is responsible for their own reactions.

Even if they get mad - please don't fret over it. Over a period of time, they will see the truth. You have a duty towards yourself of protecting yourself.

Whether your family gets upset, sad, mad, angry....please, for the moment don't think about it....at the moment, ending abuse is the priority. That would happen only if you approach CPS. They may help you on how to talk to your family.

My assumption is that they'd be angry at your father....and rightfully so.

But with therapy, intervention of CPS and time....you may never know, thing may turn out the way you want to be. Without talking, things will not change and may get worse.

Dear Cas, don't tolerate years of abuse followed by years of pain, to protect your family from a few months of anger/hurt....for which you are not responsible. Whatever your family feels, only AAA would be responsible for it.

What if everyone finds out it was my fault my mom is in a wheelchair

You are not the reason your mom is in wheelchair. It was an accident. You were at age when most kids pee and poop their pants. How can anyone be responsible for anything at the age???

Tell everyone. Show me a single person who'd hold you responsible for her condition.....except AAA...and your mom (coz she may be manipulated by AAA)

I don't want everyone to find out how disgusting I am and what things i have to do for him

You are not disgusting. Things AAA is doing is disgusting and repulsive and abhorrent. You are a brave little boy, way more mature than his age who is at a wrong place.

He just needs to find that tiny voice that wants to protect him by talking.

You are being forced, coerced, manipulated and hit and burned, to doing those things. AAA holds the power position here. All the disgust you feel should be felt by AAA.

He is supposed to protect you, not harm you.

I don't want to lose my mother and my brother

You will not lose your mother and brother, because they are not harming you. AAA is harming you. CPS will try their best to keep you in family.


I don't want him to go to jail or something because of me

He won't go to jail because of you. If he goes to jail...it would be because of himself.

If I get raped, I identify the suspect....and he gets jailed. Does he goes to jail because I talked about my rape....or because he raped me??

CPS' first priority would be to keep the family together. Your father may be temporarily separated and if he co-operates, may improve with therapy.

Even if he is jailed....don't you think he would sort of deserve it?? Life is simple - As you sow, shall you reap. If he indeed is jailed - he invited it on himself. He shouldn't be abusing his kids....he's an adult and he knows that.


If I was a better son, if I hadn't put my mom in a wheelchair none of this would have to happpen.

You ARE a good son. You cook for your family. You hide all abuse and are willing to go thru few more yrs of abuse....because right now, you feel that it would protect your family.

You clearly care a lot about your family - even about AAA who put you thru so much pain. You are a wonderful son Cas - pls don't doubt that. If you had a good father, none of the abuse would have ever happened!

And it's not true that none of this would have happened if your mom wasn't wheelchair bound. AAA would have used some other nonsense to carry about abuse - simply because he is an abusive person (reason could be mental disorder, poor parenting he experienced, alcohol....only a psychologist can determine that).

My mom did everything for my dad - cook, clean, manage entire house, deal with us. My dad just had the responsibility of earning - and he earned a lot and was in a good position at work. Yet, he abused me.

AAA is using your mother's accident into guilting you to carry out sexual abuse.

Even if your mom was healthy - he still would have abused you....because he is an abusive person.


"That's just some things. I just feel terrible and disgusting and I don't want everyone else to say that about me too.. I guess I'm just to coward to try and change anything anyways. I don't know what to think anymore."

You are not disgusting. You are not a coward.

You are a wonderful person Cas....and honestly, you are very mature for you age. You are a very caring person. You are very brave for living thru the abuse. If the story of abuse comes out, everyone would really feel for your situation...just like we are feeling.

However, they may have some terrible words for AAA.....and he rightfully deserves it.

You don't have to worry about the whole world knowing it. Such information is shielded from public and identities are protected.

I just wish it was only the beatings, I can deal with those I deserve those anyways so it's fine.

No....you DON'T deserve getting hit with belt - whether it's your fault or not. NO ONE deserves to be hit....even AAA - he has done something terrible....and there are laws to punish him or therapy to help him.

You don't deserve being hit or have your hand burned or being yelled at for things which are not your fault. No child deserves that. Not even an adult deserves that. But children are young, impressionable, delicate, vulnerable and should be protected - NO MATTER WHAT.

Every child deserves and loving abuse-free home. You only have to think about you Cas, just take care of you right now...everything will fall into place. Contacting CPS is the right thing to do....hear it from all survivors here.

Please feel free to discuss all your thoughts and fears...even if they are repetitive We are here to help you dear.

You are being sexually and physically abused. PLEASE tell a teacher or trusted adult. It won't stop until you get help. This is changing your life. Hugs

Cas,
I want you to know that even by coming to this forum and talking to us here anonymously you have taken a big step and did something very brave. I pray you continue to speak to us about what's going on because at least SOMEONE in the world is listening to you.

Rely on you friends. I had a different situation than you, but abuse is abuse and the affects are almost always the same. I relied on my friends to speak up for me, so if you can tell just one person - even an acquaintance from school or something - try and lean on them to do the rest of the work.

I know I felt too broken and beat up to say anything myself. I felt like I deserved it, like I was trash and he was teaching me a lesson. Well, I didn't deserve it, I am not trash, and the only thing I learned was what it was like to be a slave. In the end I said something but only after my friends pushed me and pushed me and gave me so much support I wasn't able to think anything except that at least one person still loved me.

Well Cas, I know everyone on this forum is rooting for you, and all of us are pushing you to say something - knowing EXACTLY how hard that is. Many people here have been where you are, and others like me have been in similar situations, but not one of us thinks this is easy.

So most of all I wanted to let you know how incredibly strong you are for even admitting something is wrong and something is happening. I am so damn proud of you for that it's energizing because I believe that you CAN speak up further and you CAN make that change that many of us were too late to make and you CAN recover from this and live a normal life full of self worth and love, especially if you speak up.

I'm rooting for you Cas. (((BigSafeHug))) Small steps, and we all know its hard, but we can all tell you it's worth it.

I tried telling my mom a little about the hitting, but that didn't go well, I didn't even get to show the bruises or the burn on my arm. She just got really mad and said things like 'if your dad disciplines you, he has a good reason for it' and 'you will learn to respect your parents' and more stuff and then she tried to put me in the corner! As if I'm a little kid that needs a time out! I just left to my room instead, but needles to say dad was really angry when mom told him I'd been 'complaining and whining and disobeying her'.
After he hit me with the belt he made me give him a bj again and more stuff and he went out to drink with his friends tonight but I'm just nervous to go to sleep because he's gonna be drunk when he comes home and likely going to sneak in my room again then.. Everything pretty much just hurts right now. I'm just feeling pretty weak and upset after a week of no food and being sick and all this other crap too

I'm so sorry she didn't listen to you Casper. I'm proud of you. That's a very brave and courageous thing to do. Don't get discouraged though. If she's not willing to stand up for you bypass her and talk to someone at your school or cps. I hope you stay safe tonight. Is there a way you can get out of the house for the night? Maybe a friend's house? (((BigSafeHug)))

No id have to sneak out of the house and it would just make things worse in the end.
And most people would think it's weird if i asked them if i can stay over at 1am in the night!
If it were earlier my parents wouldn't have let me either though. I mean I'm still sick too and in trouble now and my dad wouldn't want them to accidentally see any bruises or anything

Sorry poor suggestion. I forgot about the time difference. It's 7pm here.

Dear Cas,

I am so sorry your mom didn't believe you and went on to emotionally abuse you with the whole discipline cr@p.
*Hugs*

But please let it not shade your thinking that "this is how people would react". Pls don't let it give you the slightest idea that you should not talk about it. On the contrary....like i said, maybe your mom will not believe you...but you have to keep talking until someone believes you and get the care you need - thru Child Protection Services.

I don't know why your mom didn't hear you out and instead blamed you that you were whining - but unfortunately, the bitter truth is - people in a dysfunctional family have warped their thinking and don't believe the victim. She's an enabler...to AAA's behavior.

Cas, again, I am very sorry that your mother didn't believe you....didn't listen to you for reasons best known to her. But, please don't be hurt by it. A dysfunctional family works in mysterious ways. There is an abuser at one end and the victim at the other end. All the remaining family members just twist themselves in a way that lets abuse go on.

Abuser subtly manipulates situation that favours the abuse to go on.

That's why Cas, you, at this moment can't rely on your family to help you. Some family listens, most families don't. It's also no surprise that no one knows that AAA is alcoholic, etc. Dysfunctional families look completely normal to the public. Abuser comes across as the "nicest man you've known".

Dear, you have to talk to someone now - you have to keep talking till someone believes you. There are plenty of people you can talk to -

1. Your friend's mom?
2. A teacher you trust?
3. School counselor (does your school have a counselor...what school do you go to?)
4. An uncle or an aunt??

Ultimately, they all have to contact CPS, because ultimately only they can help you.

It must have taken a lot of courage for you to talk Cas....we are SO PROUD OF YOU. It's unfortunate your first experience was so negative. Pls don't be disheartened. Pls take your courage a little further and contact Child Support. Send an email....first....it's as simple as that. NOTHING is worth what you are going thru.

You deserve food everyday, without having to do something for it. You don't deserve to be hit with belt - no one does. You deserve an abuse free home and unless you tell CPS....sorry dear, it won't change.

Pls, don't feel like you'd betray or hurt your family - they are hurting you. Pls don't feel like they'd be mad at you.....they got no effin rights to be mad at you....you have every right to be mad at them - you are the one being abused. Pls don't feel like it's much ado about nothing and contacting them is unnecessary....you are receiving gross maltreatment at home. Contacting CPS is necessary. It's not only child abuse - but child neglect, child endangerment and grossly against basic human rights.

Pls don't think that they won't believe you. They'd believe you because they are trained people who have seen similar scenario....hundreds of times. They know that when a child says something, it's always true. They'd believe you, just as WE believe you and feel for your situation.

Dear, please just contact CPS....without that nothing would improve. It may get worse, but will not improve. Earlier, the better.

You can send them an email (before computer is snatched away from you, after food). You can call them at 0 900 123 123 0.

Please memorise this number - oh nine hundred 123 123 oh. You may never know when you find yourself in a situation when you need it.

All my love dear. Please, just contact CPS and end your abuse!

We're hear to support you in any way we can!!!

I wasn't eating because I was feeling sick and it would come right back out.
I might try something easy today

Dear Cas,

Hope you are feeling fine now.

Please don't take it to heart that your mother didn't hear you....the reasons are best known to her. She's behaving the exact way most members of a dysfunctional, abusive family behave.

I request you to only take care of you and think about you. Everything else will fall into place.

I understand that the idea of contacting cps may seem like a "big bold decision" that will bring plethora of changes. But don't view it like that. Contacting cps is only to end your abuse.

If you can, please do share your thoughts on contacting cps.

Good luck!

If you decide to send cps an email you could write it out and post it here first if you want. It might make it easier to send it. Just a thought. I don't think you will have to write all of the details out, I know that's hard to write about. I think you could just say something like "my dad is abusing me physically and not providing me with food" or something like that and they would listen to you and start to help. It might make the idea of getting help and taking that step a little less scary and overwhelming.

im jsut tired and a little hungry and not sure what to think anymore.
sleeping habits all over the place i mean its 3.30 at night and still waiting for dad to come home... just so tired even though i slept enough during hte day to make of up for it.
idk. stomach hurts and no sleep make it hard to think right

What is that avatar you have rothfan? I cant figure it out ...

Cas,

Sorry about your mom not listening. Can you try your friends parents? That might be an easier first step. Or tell your friend and see if they can tell their parents if you're not sure you can do it yourself.

Try and get some sleep. In any situation, sleep and food help a lot. At least in my experience.

At very least try and keep your basic needs met (food, shelter (whether your house or someone else's that you trust), sleep, and hygiene), and try and spend time outside of the house. Maybe go to a library, or stay after school and see if you can find something to occupy you there? You a sports person, or an arts person, or something like that?

Send me a message if you ever have to. We're all here for you, and hoping the best for you.

Also you're probably sick from the stress. Try and eat anyway.

Its a guys shadow. Its hard to see in the avatar. You can see his arm and hand in the bigger picture.

cool!

I'm trying to organise my thoughts and feelings but it isn't working very well.
Just a chaos in my head. I did go back to school this week though I still don't feel a 100%.
Atleast dad left me alone for the week well, untill today but that was kinda my own fault anyways. I'm probably the only kid who doesn't like weekends, because of no escape to school!

You could try writing down your thoughts. It might help get them organized. I doubt whatever your dad did to you was deserved or your fault. Can you join a sports club or hobby that meets on Saturday or Sunday? That would give you one less day on the weekend to be home.

Dear Cas,

I hope you've recovered fine.

You're not at fault for anything - aaa has no excuse for his behavior....what he's doing is wrong - he's the one at fault. You are only a 13 yr old child.

Rothfan6 has a very good suggestion - please start writing whatever you are feeling - it would bring you some clarity. If you are comfortable, you can type everything here - we'd try to help you in any way we can.

Hope you find some support and help in this website - https://1in6.org/

Writing has always helped me and I hope it helps you too Cas. And whatever punishment your dad gave you I don't think it was deserved. I know the kind of punishment your dad gives no one deserves. For anything.

Wishing you the best of luck. Also rothfan's suggestion is good, but if you can't join a club a good place to feel safe is the library.

Stay safe Cas and were all here for you, even just to listen to your thoughts. Pm me if you ever feel so inclined and will get back to you as soon as I can. ((Hugs))