Hate

I feel like a husk, a discarded shell. I've spent the better part of my life pouring everything I had into those around me and adjusting myself to their likeness, to the point that I don't even know I am anymore. Everything is just consumed by self-blame, self-loathing, and self-doubt.

The worst part is that I can remember when things were different, good. I was happy and optimistic without having to make myself appear that way.

All that's left in me now is hatred. I hate everyone and everything so that nothing can hurt me like that again. I've been able to figure this much out in therapy, but it feels like I've gotten worse since I told my T what happened. She says that I've been bottling these feelings up and didn't even know that I had them.

Thank you all for reading this. I'm not sure what I hoped to gain from posting this. If you have any advice on how to deal with this, I'd be very grateful.

With therapy and home renovation, one thing is common - it has to get worse before it gets better.

Looks like your therapist is finally getting to your real feelings - which came from being hurt by the people. I am guessing no one in your life poured unconditional love to you, which made you blame yourself, loath yourself and doubt yourself.

Work with your therapist and at the same time, I request you to maintain some sort of online journal about how you feel, your progress, what you feel about all the people around you. Please be completely honest about what you feel. Writing gives a sense of validation and would definitely help you clarify your mind.

Work with your therapist. It will take time and patience and work......but things would improve once you start healing.

Good luck!

hate is not a good emotion, in the end it does not destroy those that you hate, it actually destroys you .
as hard as it is we all have to forgive ourselves and those we perceive who have wronged us.
we can slay our enemies, but it is better to show kindness , it heals your soul, and is the greatest revenge.
take care