Realized today my mom has narcissistic personality disorder & need advice

My mother's favorite saying was "Do you want to play power.... " WHO in their right mind says that to innocent children, especially their own. She's a sixth grade teacher and there is no way in hell she would ever say that to any of her students but it was okay to say it to her kids. ....sad just sad.

Reading through the link provided about narcissistic mothers, honestly, I think there are a lot of these kind of mothers out there tbh. I think they get into these "clicks" too where they pretend to be "super moms", but it is all about them and god forbid you don't fit into their idea of "acceptable". I can also see a lot of these "traits" in my older sister too. God forbid you have a "real" problem either or struggle because they will label "you" as the narcissist.

I have run into too many of these individuals unfortunately and I found it very perplexing how so non empathetic they really were and how they say things like "you care too much".

I agree that many people can have these narcissistic traits. Essentially everyone can be narcissistic at times but a majority of people know where to draw the line. It's crazy how you hear stories or meet people who grew up in a toxic, abusive environment whether emotionally, physically or sexually who hated the way the were treated but grow up carrying out the same behaviors. I know that's the case with my mom. Her father was the one who emotionally abused her. I'm thankful that I can break the cycle.

This is absolutely true. That's where the "disorder" part comes in. I don't think it's possible not to have narcissistic traits or not be narcissistic SOMETIMES. We are all born narcissists. It's just that many of us grow up to balance that narcissism with other people's narcissism and also adapt to our environments. In short, at first it's ME. Eventually it's ME, OTHERS, and the WORLD. And we just learn that from interaction and trying to make it in the world. It's not like we read a book on it. And it's not free of problems either, and we push and pull against the world and other people to get what we want. But like you say, generally speaking we know where to draw the line. More importantly we learn. People who have the disorder don't seem to learn. They don't seem to adapt. Sometimes you get mad at them and the only thing they seem to "learn" is that you are being an a$$hole or that they are bad people. Neither is true! It's tragic in a way. Sometimes I feel like there is a divide, a breakdown in communication, as if there is no real possibility of change for them. Which is not something I want to believe. I want to believe change is possible, even if it takes long or happens in smaller way.

((cubabe29))

Hi when I read your initial post I felt like it was my own story, so similar. My mother is the same as yours and it's taken a long time to realise this. I'm distancing myself from my mother as she is toxic and everybody has taken sides with her. I do believe her relatives think I'm the crazy one. She has no idea who I really am but only sees me as an extension of herself so as to feed her narcissistic supply. I need to withdraw to maintain my sanity. My mother never accepted me as a child because I was born a boy and I believe does not accept me today. I do believe she talks about me and plays the victim role viewing me as an ungrateful son.

[quote=Purple Heart;3445452]((cubabe29))

Hi when I read your initial post I felt like it was my own story, so similar. My mother is the same as yours and it's taken a long time to realise this. I'm distancing myself from my mother as she is toxic and everybody has taken sides with her. I do believe her relatives think I'm the crazy one. She has no idea who I really am but only sees me as an extension of herself so as to feed her narcissistic supply. I need to withdraw to maintain my sanity. My mother never accepted me as a child because I was born a boy and I believe does not accept me today. I do believe she talks about me and plays the victim role viewing me as an ungrateful son.

I know that if I were to tell anyone in my family that my mom has NPD, they would think I was crazy too. A few months ago, I remember my brother telling me that I snap at my mom a lot, which pissed me off bc her tone of voice & condescending way she speaks to me is incredibly degrading. So, now she can't handle me actually standing up to her. Whenever I get angry because of the inhumane stuff she's done to me, I've been trying to remind myself that I need to worry about me and my cat & as soon as I get my arm figured out, get the hell out of my parents house!!! I have been doing pretty well with no longer revealing things about myself that she will exploit later on. I KNOW what you are going through and you can message me anytime if you need to. I just keep telling myself that I need to focus on me and my little man (my cat, he's the love of my life ) and I need to stop worrying about other people & I have been doing a pretty good job no longer people pleasing like I used to do bumpy only does my mom do it so everyone will love/adore her, but I did it bc I didn't want to piss her off.
If I were to confront her for what she has done, she will say that im ungrateful just like u said about ur mom.

I'm here for you !

My mother and sister are both narcissists. They support one another completely. You are definitely correct on them behaving as two drug addicts. They support each other, but if one was to change, it would be hard for the other to accept it. Our mother has been a narcissist since I was 14. She has lived the life of a narcissist for 39 years. Just like a drug addict or alcoholic, there will be no change until she realizes that she has a problem. They lack empathy. As long as they continue to receive the admiration and superiority, they have succeeded. It is hard to cut off a relationship. I have had a load lifted off of my chest when I came to the realization that they are narcissists. We can't change them. We need to remember to protect ourselves both mentally and physically. Happy New Year!

You are in a sticky situation, having to depend on and live with someone so destructive. Knowledge and acknowledgement of the disorder is an amazing breakthrough for you. I too had a narcissistic mom. She was dead years before I was able to figure it out; you are ahead of the game.

Be careful. These people can be very dangerous and you are living in her home.

When I started reading about NPD, some bells went off for me too. I began to recognize the symptoms in individuals that had affected me in my life and left me very hurt and confused. Yes, they can be very mean and insenstive and intrusive. However, I also think there should be two separate catagories for them because some of them developed by being spoiled and they really believe they are "the best and very entitled". But, some individuals that develop NPD have not been spoiled, but instead developed the disorder in order to thrive in spite of growing up in severe dysfunction and had no one there to nurture and care for them.

It is important to realize that human beings have to have "some" narcissism to thrive. And that as children and even adults, human beings are so very maleable when it comes to having a sense of "ones rights to develop narcissistic ideals". Think about it, we are so overloaded with messages that say, "if you own or wear this you are to be respected and deemed successful and worthy of respect" and then when we are educated, if one gets all A's they are "the best" and one needs to be with the "popular crowd" to be worthy as well or somehow "look the part" too.

When my husband and I moved to our second home, we moved into a new neighborhood where everyone was building homes and I was excited to do that for the first time and we built what we could afford. It was a small culdesac and I thought all the homes were pretty, it was actually a very pretty neighborhood. However, when it came time to get to meet the other couples it got strange. I tried to be nice and invite a few of the women in to show them my home and to my shock these women basically picked apart my home as though I was not even there. I still tried to be friendly and interact with them one day on the street and they were all wearing reflector sunglasses and acted as though I was not even there, not even answering me when I asked questions. I did not even know these people and yet they acted like I was completely unacceptable and unworthy of their attention or any crumb of respect. I still stood there thinking "be patient" and one of the women that was very tall and lanky walked away and the others began calling her the giraff and began laughing. Wow, I decided to walk away and god only knows what they called me as I walked away. That small street was all about who had the biggest house, who had the nicest designer clothes, who had the nicest and newest car and the nicest lawn. I would lay in my bed at night and all I wanted was to "move" away from that "fishbowl" of "mean women". What I did learn about them however was they were raised to be that way, "entitled" and they had bigger homes because of their well off parents that basically handed them the money to have what they had.

Well, then there is another kind of individual with NPD, and they were not given permission to be that way, they had no one to actually give them a healthy sense of narcissim, but instead were abused and grew up without love and a sense of safety. They are also molded by society's ideals of "worthiness" as well and they develop their own "illusions of granduer" that helps them thrive in spite of their low self esteem. They don't know "love and empathy" because they had never really experienced it. Yes, they do want to be "adored and deemed worthy" and their expectations of their spouses and children are not healthy and they often do not recognize it. Often they see one child as the golden child and will scape goat the child that somehow doesn't quite measure up. So the golden child often becomes a narcissist as well, while the scape goat tends to feel lost and unworthy and confused.

I think it is important to not just "hate" the label, but to instead try to understand why it is there. People don't really set out to behave badly like that, they are created somehow and they do not realize the gravity of their dysfunctional ways. Yes, they can actually be very mean, manipulative, lie alot and be very vengeful too, and they tend to be "users" too.

I have been trying to learn about what this type of personality means, I have individuals close to me that are expressing many of the traits that fall into this disorder and "yes" they have hurt me. And yes, a weakness of any kind can become their way of "control" over and is often used in their manipulation quest. Yes, if they can step on you to climb to where they are climbing to, they will and do so without a thought, they don't want to look at you, instead their comfort zone is that of looking "down on you". Yet, they are often very unaware of that need, often they are simply "entitled", be it by being taught that or somehow developing that inner message on their own.

This is so weird, last month I realised that that my mother is a narcissist and I am around the same age as you. I have been dealing OK with her for the past number of years because I moved out when I was 18 however this year I am getting married and because she wants to contribute financially to it she wants to have absolute control. Nightmare. I am seriously considering eloping at this point but I hate this would ruin it for everyone else.

Anyway, the things that have helped me in the past have already been mentioned, low-contact (email only) however I know this is not really an option for you as you live with her (my condolences on that one, its enough to drive anyone insane). When I am stuck with her I pretend that I am very busy and have work to do, this is not ideal as it isolates me from everyone else too. I limit the information I give her about myself as like you said she uses it against me, or judges me by it. The main thing that I have found helpful is talking to non-family members who are close enough to the situation to see what she really is, so for example my fiancee and my brother-in-law, I find that friends who don't actually know her think that it is not as bad as it really is.

What irritates my mother the most is that she knows I don't need/depend/rely on her for anything anymore. She still does try to interfere though. She will go and do something "for me" and make a whole song and dance about it, even though I never wanted/asked for it to be done.

Please know that you are not alone, you are NOT the crazy one and that you are the good person in all this. Keep on writing about it here, or wherever you are comfortable, I find it really helps.

Ha that like my mother, hers is "I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it"....