Keep Walking

I was thinking about coming clean and writing about the trauma that I’ve been subjected through over the span of all of those degrading years. Thoughts about what to write, about how terrified I was, and for how long, and add a few specific details in order to demonstrate how I suffered in order to prove that I was worthy of your sympathy. And then I stopped. Do I need to prove that I belong?

Quite frankly, I’ve had enough of the whole miserable affair that was cast onto me by another ruthless selfish person and persons. I survived a long abusive marriage and I got my children and myself out without losing my life. I fought with my internal thoughts of self degradation, and with the biting words of others, and slowly over time, I learned to stand up to the forces that hold me down. I cried for years, did the wrong thing, did the right thing, did nothing at all and yet didn’t give up. So many people can look in and judge what happened from start to finish and cast superficial judgments on me, but the truth of the matter is no one can know what I’ve been through unless they have walked in my shoes. I wonder why people are so critical of people who are in abusive relationships and I realize that maybe it is because it is too close to their own vulnerabilities. Or maybe they are the abusers and it gives them a high into believing that they are superior. I don’t know and I don’t care anymore.

I am who I am and as cracked and twisted as I’ve become while I’ve aged, I know that I am still that kind gentle girl that started this life so many years ago. The core of who I am have never changed and I will continue to wake up every day and keep moving forward to discover something else.

If I was to give anyone advise, who is going though their own personal hell, I would say never give up. I know it sounds as trite as a silly bumper sticker, but in those few words are a cornucopia of wisdom. Life moves forward and with a little effort, things will change. As painfully slow as the process may seem during your time of sorrow, there is always a new tomorrow where you can try again. When you find yourself walking in hell, keep walking.

Great Post

Thank you for this post........for saying what I couldn't and for being soooooo much stronger than me.
((((((((((Angela))))))))))

Lori

Almostangela,
I have walked in your shoes before... I know what hell is like I have been there more times than I want to count. I am out of the abusive hell, but in another hell with my DID.... I feel like I have no control over my life yet. Stay on your path.....mine still has some bumbs and holes, but I will continue the walk.

Thanks for the fanfare wisewoman, fuzzy and orion. You guys are great.

Mssumom.... you can't recognize courage in someone else unless you have it in you. There is no way that I am stronger than you and one day you will find out just how tough and wonderful you really are. Hang in there. Your friends are here for you.

Lilith. Congradulation on making it this far. You conquered the worst before and you can tackle this bump too. It seems like life keeps tossing issues back at me too and I like to think that it is just to keep me practicing what I learned before. So proud of you for continuing to walk.

(((Almost angela))) first you should change your nick to ANGELA!! you deserve it, girls!
Love the post, but if you ever want to just spit everything out, feel free to do so.
I think you are terrific!

((((biplol))))) awww, thx for the encouragement. We are all in the same boat with different paddles. ((((back at ya)))))

yes, we are , and I think it's great to find us all here.
Everyone in their own, different way, trying to heal.
~hug~

I wanted to thank you for this beautiful post Angela. Especially the part where you said

"I am who I am and as cracked and twisted as I’ve become while I’ve aged, I know that I am still that kind gentle girl that started this life so many years ago. The core of who I am have never changed and I will continue to wake up every day and keep moving forward to discover something else. "

I often wonder where that little girl i used to be went and how i got to be so "cracked and twisted" as you say so it is a great thing to try to keep in mind that the core never changed and that i can go on to add more positive things to that core. to dig it out again and polish it off maybe? it feels unrealistic but your words hit home and i ll try to remember them.

"If I was to give anyone advise, who is going though their own personal hell, I would say never give up. I know it sounds as trite as a silly bumper sticker, but in those few words are a cornucopia of wisdom. Life moves forward and with a little effort, things will change. As painfully slow as the process may seem during your time of sorrow, there is always a new tomorrow where you can try again. When you find yourself walking in hell, keep walking. "

Thank you also for this. Every time i hear someone say to keep going its like a little boost of encouragement that i add to my stockpile to remember next time it feels so pointless. And you have said it so gracefully.

Im glad that you keep walking and that you have shared this. i hope you continue taking care of yourself.

biiv

(((Biiv))))

I was concerned that I would be wrecked for life, but after the trauma and the oppression was over, that little seed began to grow again and flourish better than before. You must still feel it deep inside of you for you to feel some hope in what I am saying even though another part tells you it is unrealistic. Hang in there as we are all here for you and if you ever need to hear words of encouragement again, or just a shoulder to rest on, I am here for you. You will make it because you are stronger and wiser than you realize. All the best to you.

((((Angela))))
thank you

your words speak of my heart.

((((davidswar))))))

((((((( almostangela ))))))))