[Stronger]

This secret has been kept hidden for far too long. I need to break the silence and face my fear. This is something I should have done a long long time ago.
My skin crawls anytime a guy puts a hand on my shoulder. Or just touches me in general. I hate it. I can stand from far away and blush over a super attractive guy, but if that insanely hot man were to come over and touch me in any way, I would do what I always do: shut down. Get a lump in my throat and want to go hide in a dark corner.
It happened over ten years ago, but I have never told anyone. I thought that these feelings would go away with time, but they have only gotten worse.
Writing this is an enormous step for me. But I know that I still need to do more. I'm in therapy for a bunch of other reasons, and I really do like my T. I've had a lot of Ts in the past and this one has been good for me. But one of the reasons I can't open up about this specific issue is, well, ... he's a guy.
But tonight, after weeks of thought, I finally got up the guts to post this thread. Honestly, I'm shaking. I'm so scared.
This has way too much control over me and I'm just so tired of being the victim.

[peppermint1]

You are doing great just by posting this, I am in a similar position, I never talked about it for over 10 years, my T is also a guy, he is great, it wasn't easy to talk about it but he has been amazing about it. we havnt been talking about it for very long, the 1 time was 2 weeks ago, he did everything he could to make me feel comfortable, and we discussed the gender issue, that he was a guy and we were talking about it. he brought up that talking to a man about it may also help make it easier to be able to have healthy relationships with men in the future. maybe try just telling him that it happened, tell him that discussing it with him is something you want to work on because of the issue of gender. he will understand as mine did. good luck

[shezbut]

((((Stronger))))

In my experience, it takes a lot of time and sure comfort & trust for us to open up those deep wounds that we carry within ourselves. It's a very sensitive area. One in which we hold deeply for many, many years.

Not memories that we hold onto with pleasure, no. But, instead, memories that bring up a lot of deep, intensely negative emotions that make us question our purpose in life! The memories have a huge affect upon nearly every way that we live our lives.

It isn't easy to finally let that border down a little bit, and trust that you will be okay. I held my border up as long as I possibly could ~ 20+ years before I finally openly recalled the incidents. I still have an hard time with things, intellectually...even though I was only 5 or 6 when they first began. But, that's no excuse, in my mind. I carry very deep shame and self-hate for things that began occurring at this age. I also fight nearly instant self-deprecation for the memories as well.